PreView Reviews
PreView Reviews: I Fell Into A Burning Goblet Of Fire
Nov 18th 2005
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire – Another November, another freakin Potter movie. Still haven’t seen one. I don’t care how many “adult” directors you put at the helm. Until that little brunette is of age to start showing some skin, I’m out. Scratch that. She doesn’t have to be of age, just has to show something. You know, for her craft.
9 Drinks to Enjoy
Walk the Line – In the long tradition of The Ron Goldman Story and Fox’s little watched Menendez Brothers’ Christmas Special, we get another biopic that’s released before the body is even cold. In this gem, Johnny Cash is played by River Phoneix’s retarded younger brother who tries to make us believe he is someone who is actually talented. If June Carter Cash were alive today, she would take Reese Witherspoon’s three sets of teeth out and fashion a medieval torture device to finally put her whiny little face out of commision for even attempting to play her. I just can’t wait until next year when Joanqueen or Jowkween or whatever his name is teams up with Kanye West to rape another dead legend with Joliet County Blues. Other than that, looks like a great film.
7 Drinks to Enjoy
PreView Reviews: Get Drunk Or Puke Tryin’
Nov 11th 2005
Derailed – In this farce, an attractive man cheats on Jennifer Aniston and all hell breaks loose. Now, we all know that’s not how it happens. In really real life, you get to bang the hottest craziest chick in Hollywood and get to be an instant father to a couple third world kids she bought while on her travels. Stupid Hollywood.
8 Drinks to Enjoy
Get Rich or Die Tryin’ – Even with Bono as your director, Fitty, you sir, are no Eminem.
9 Drinks to Enjoy
Zathura – Kids play a board game and then all kinds of crazy shit starts happening. From the writer of Jumanji. No Shit? Really? Huh. At least Robin Williams isn’t all up in this one. I just can’t wait until they get to Saturn and Vince Vaughn is smoking on one of the rings and tells the little brats just how money they really are.
4 Drinks to Enjoy
PreView Reviews: The Sky Is Falling And The Ground Is Burning… Happy Times
Nov 4th 2005
Late last week we all lost track of spotdog.. He may have wandered off into the desert on some peyote driven quest as far as I know, but until we find out where the hell he is, I, Lou, will be doing the thankless task of bringing you the PreView Reviews…
Chicken Little – Remember that cute story you heard when you were a kid about the little chicken who thought the sky was falling? Well, this is nothing like that. This has a huge pig thingy getting into a fight with a ATM machine.
Dear Pixar,
Please don’t leave. We’re sorry we were so selfish. We promise we’ll be better this time. Just come back and show us how to make good movies again.
Love Always,
Disney
P.S. You know Eisner’s gone, right?
8 Drinks to Enjoy
Jarhead – Jarhead just makes me think of waterhead which makes me think of Git Er Done which makes me think of rednecks which makes me think of moonshine which makes me think of getting completely blitzed in the middle of nowhere drinking out of a mason jar… huh. jar…head.
5 Drinks to Enjoy
Doom, Dakota Fanning, & Oscar Bait: AKA Hell On Earth
Oct 21st 2005
Hey all, spotdog here with this week’s PreView Reviews…
Doom – Do you smell what The Rock is cookin’? No? Oh, well it’s crap. A huge hunk of first person shooter crap.
8 Drinks to Enjoy
Dreamer: Inspired by a True Story – I still can’t that image out of my head. Dakota Fanning is Satan’s spawn. True Story.
10 Drinks & 4 cans of Jesus Juice to Enjoy
North Country – Ancient proverb say, “Bandana and dirty face do not an Oscar-winning prostitute serial killer make.”
7 Drinks to Enjoy
Stay – No. Seriously go.
8 Drinks to Enjoy
Keira Knightley Gets Naked
Oct 14th 2005
Hey all, spotdog here with this week’s PreView Reviews…
Domino – Please refer to title of post.
4 Drinks to Enjoy
Elizabethtown – That gay rat-looking guy from the hobbit movie and that saggy breasted whiner from Spiderman 2: The Freudian Years star in the latest from that guy who made that gay Scientology guy be completed by that lemon-sucking face chick who married that gay cowboy for a couple weeks back in June. 100 bucks says there will be a lot of poignantly placed 70s rock. I am a golden god!*
7 Drinks to Enjoy
The Fog – WBTV Superman is in this movie so I’m sure it’s crap. Not that I have high expectations of a movie about killer fog, but it’s PG-13 which inevitably means no boobage which inevitably means no spotage.
9 Drinks to Enjoy
*P.S. I’m on drugs.
Waiting… For Happy Hour
Oct 7th 2005
Hey all, spotdog here with this week’s PreView Reviews…
In Her Shoes – If it were called In Her Pants… Guaranteed hit. Shoes? Not so much. Too much estrogen for the spotdog.
9 Drinks to Enjoy
Two for the Money – Pacino? Check. Sports betting? Check. Pacino? Check. Sounds good to me. It’ll probably be crap, but the director is that guy who made that sweet meth movie a couple years ago where Vincent Dinofrio didn’t have a nose, so he gets a free pass in my book. Wait a minute.. he also made Taking Lives?!? Free Pass Already Given. Forget it. Skip it.
6 Drinks to Enjoy
Waiting… – I can’t properly give this a review because I know the people who made the damn movie. The script was funny back in the day when I first read it. Given, I think I may have been doing copious amounts of illegal performance dehancing drugs then, but I honestly don’t remember. All I’ll say is go see it. If it sucks, send all your hate mail to Lazlo@SorryIGotDrunk.com.
5 Drinks to Enjoy
Wallace & Gromit: The Curse of the Were-Rabbit – Wait for the rental. Get stoned. Watch. Eat Cheetos.
6 Drinks to Enjoy
Jessica Alba Is A Terrible Actress
Sep 30th 2005
Hey all, spotdog here with this week’s PreView Reviews…
Serenity – I have an idea. Let’s take a crappy tv show that was cancelled because no one watched it, not even the Buffyfucks who suck Josh Whedon’s balls all day and make it into a freakin’ movie. The show sucked then. The movie will suck now. Serenity Not.
8 Drinks to Enjoy
Into The Blue – If this were called Into The Pink, I would so be first in line. Unfortunately, it isn’t, so I’ll probably just catch the Saturday matinee in Hollywood. Come by if your there. You won’t be able to miss me. I’ll be the one with the raincoat and sweatpants on.
6 Drinks to Enjoy
The Greatest Game Ever Played – Please.
9 Drinks to Enjoy