Annapolis – Isn’t Tyrese in this? Shouldn’t that be enough reason to not see it? Can I do an entire review with only questions? I think I can. Fuck.

9 Drinks to Enjoy
Big Momma’s House 2 – Martin Lawrence is half legend/half fuckball, ya know? On one hand, you gotta respect the fact that this man got all fucked up on crack and went running down the street with a gun. You just have to. But on the other hand, well, there’s Big Momma’s House 2 isn’t there?

7 Drinks to Enjoy
Nanny McPhee – Any movie with nanny in the title that doesn’t also include “Putting it in the,” “Backdoor,” or “Naughty” doesn’t get my business. That’s just one of the rules I live by and that’s that.

7 Drinks to Enjoy

The New World – See Colin Farrell on video chasing after a 13 year old girl. Legally.

7 Drinks to Enjoy
Underworld: Evolution – See Kate Beckinsale run around in skin tight leather in a PG-13 movie. Leave with blue balls.

8 Drinks to Enjoy

Bloodrayne – I’d rather fuck an Xbox than see this shit. For that matter, I’d rather fuck an Xbox than do most things, so I guess that may not be a great argument. What can I say? I just have a very special relationship with my gaming equipment.

9 Drinks to Enjoy
Grandma’s Boy – Category: Movies Lou Won’t Be Seeing
Answer: A movie so craptacular, Adam Sandler won’t even star in it with all of the retards who usually surround him in all of his movies.
Question: What is Grandma’s Boy?

9 Drinks to Enjoy
Hostel – A horror movie about a hostel seems redundant at best. Have you ever been to one these places with all the foreigners who don’t shower and the cots and all the beer and and the drugs and loose foreign girls who are drunk and high and loose and can’t speak english. Shit, I did it again. Talked myself right out of my argument. Hostels rock. End of story.

5 Drinks to Enjoy
Munich – Remember back in the good old days when people cared enough about the Olympics to kidnap people and kill them? The Boring-ass Spielberg shows us that terrorism is bad, (really?), and it only takes him 3 hours to do it. If he would’ve added a nice quiet scene of The Incredible Hulk guy sliding on the ice with one of the terrorists, then I think maybe then I could buy the whole relationship. Otherwise, it’s just another one of his crappy feel-bad shite flicks and I don’t have time for you, Steve.

8 Drinks to Enjoy

Cheaper by the Dozen 2 – Shouldn’t this sequel be called Cheaper by the Baker’s Dozen? Rimshot! Shoot me.

8 Drinks to Enjoy
Fun with Dick and Jane – Remember when Jim Carrey was funny? That’s not a joke. I’m actually having trouble remembering.

6 Drinks to Enjoy
Memoirs of a Geisha – I thought this was Rudy from The Cosby Show’s life story. Geisha Knight-Pulliam? I was wrong. It was just a bunch of Asian ladies screaming at each other in another language. I think it was Asain.

8 Drinks to Enjoy
The Producers – Can Sarah Jessica Parker still be Matthew Broderick’s beard if she can actually grow one herself? Discuss.

7 Drinks to Enjoy
The Ringer – Johnny Knoxville acts like someone who fakes being retarded instead of actually being retarded and faking like he can act.

8 Drinks to Enjoy
Rumor Has It… – …movies that use ellipses always suck.

9 Drinks to Enjoy
Wolf Creek – Murder. Mayhem. Young Hot Girls tied to things. You know, Christmas at the Crack House.

5 Drinks to Enjoy

King Kong – Usually when I think about a giant ape thrashing around destroying things while chasing a hot blonde, I think of Lazlo whenever he gets drunk in bars in Beverly Hills and thrashes around destroying things while chasing hot blondes. But not today. Today, it’s Kong. What can I say about this movie? It better be better than those fucking Hobbit movies because if not, then P.J. is going to lose his L.A. privileges with Lou. This 35 hour long movie tradition has to stop. Seriously. Just because those Lord of the Dance movies made more money than Master P does not give you the right to make me have to sit in an uncomfortable plastic theater chair for some ungodly amount of time. Even it is allowing me to stare at Naomi Watts be molested by an oversized primate. Oh, and for the love of Cobra Commander, please get fat again Peter. You’re freakin’ me out dude.

3 Drinks to get through the first boring hour..
[Bathroom Break]

2 More for Skull Island Hour..
[Bathroom Break]

3 More for New York and [Spoiler Alert!] Kong’s big hit onto Broadway.

The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe – Now I don’t read much, except for maybe whenever Laz and I are arguing over how much alcohol is in whatever brown bottle we may have found on sale that evening or when I’m trying to find the page number of a layout in this month’s Barely Legal, but apparently this movie is based on some book or something. It looks kinda like those midgets in Ireland movies that the Donkey Kong director guy made. Well, all I know is there is talking animals in it and anytime animals talk to you, it’s never a good thing. This one time in college a panther started berating me about the deficit and Clinton’s views on abortion and I tell you that’s not a conversation you want to have with a panther. I don’t care how many hits of acid you’re on.

7 Drinks to Enjoy

Aeon Flux – I used to watch this show when I was a wee lad and I thoroughly enjoyed the silent antics of a half naked brunette cartoon bouncing around my tv screen. Now that I’m older and that half naked starlet is now the oftenly naked Charlize Theron, I have to say that the little boy inside me is excited. Kind of a lock the doors and hope mom doesn’t come home from work early excited. But being older, I also know that this is rated PG-13 which means side boob and maybe an ass shot at best. And since I’ve seen her nude plenty of times, the story can wait. I’ll spend my weekend doing adult things instead. Like playing Xbox and surfing the net for porn. While drinking beer I bought because I’m over 21.

8 Drinks to Enjoy

In the Mix – Please refer to the title of this post.

9 Drinks to Enjoy
Just Friends – There is no such thing as “just friends.” They’re just girls who you’ve already roofied and you know they just lay there.

7 Drinks to Enjoy
Rent – I think I would actually rather get AIDS than see this film.

9 Drinks to Enjoy
Yours, Mine & Ours – When it comes to kids, they’re yours, yours and yours. I don’t care what the test says.

9 Drinks to Enjoy
The Ice Harvest – Sometimes I sit down and try to find the snark to throw at these damn movies and I just can’t do it. Cusack. Billy Bob. Egon. Shit! I’m sure it’s a piece of shit because these always end up being those, but damn it, I just want it to be good. So there.

5 Drinks to Enjoy

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire – Another November, another freakin Potter movie. Still haven’t seen one. I don’t care how many “adult” directors you put at the helm. Until that little brunette is of age to start showing some skin, I’m out. Scratch that. She doesn’t have to be of age, just has to show something. You know, for her craft.

9 Drinks to Enjoy
Walk the Line – In the long tradition of The Ron Goldman Story and Fox’s little watched Menendez Brothers’ Christmas Special, we get another biopic that’s released before the body is even cold. In this gem, Johnny Cash is played by River Phoneix’s retarded younger brother who tries to make us believe he is someone who is actually talented. If June Carter Cash were alive today, she would take Reese Witherspoon’s three sets of teeth out and fashion a medieval torture device to finally put her whiny little face out of commision for even attempting to play her. I just can’t wait until next year when Joanqueen or Jowkween or whatever his name is teams up with Kanye West to rape another dead legend with Joliet County Blues. Other than that, looks like a great film.

7 Drinks to Enjoy

Derailed – In this farce, an attractive man cheats on Jennifer Aniston and all hell breaks loose. Now, we all know that’s not how it happens. In really real life, you get to bang the hottest craziest chick in Hollywood and get to be an instant father to a couple third world kids she bought while on her travels. Stupid Hollywood.

8 Drinks to Enjoy
Get Rich or Die Tryin’ – Even with Bono as your director, Fitty, you sir, are no Eminem.

9 Drinks to Enjoy
Zathura – Kids play a board game and then all kinds of crazy shit starts happening. From the writer of Jumanji. No Shit? Really? Huh. At least Robin Williams isn’t all up in this one. I just can’t wait until they get to Saturn and Vince Vaughn is smoking on one of the rings and tells the little brats just how money they really are.

4 Drinks to Enjoy