HOT TUB TIME MACHINE: This movie has everything I look for in a movie, and life for that matter, hot tubs and time machines. If I had a hot tub that transported me back to 1986 I would totally play with my G.I. Joes until way after midnight and not go to school because I wanted to play my brand new Nintendo Entertainment System until my tiny fingers became bloody and misshapen from all the wondrous finger mashing. Well, what would you do?? I’d only be 9 years old and I had yet to learn how to train my dragon, (see below).
HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON: I don’t know about you, but I learned how to train my dragon when I was 12 years old in between sessions of spanking the monkey, choking the bishop and as Kevin Spacey said so eloquently in AMERICAN BEAUTY, “Saying hello to my monster.” In what I can only assume is another in the tired series of stories featuring the love story of a boy and his dragon, (see AVATAR, THE NEVERENDING STORY, ANY MOVIE FEATURING SARAH JESSICA PARKER), this looks to be another reason to find your buddy with the pot card, eat some brownies and sit back motionless for 2 hours with funny looking glasses on saying “whoah” multiple times to yourself and others. Or you can see the movie.
Archive for PreView Reviews
PreView Reviews: How To Train Your Hot Tub Time Machine Dragon
Best. Movie. Ever.
Nothing more to say really. Just go see it. Love it. Touch it. Bathe in the glorious light that is GIANT FUCKING ROBOTS. I’ll be seeing it a few more times this week without a doubt.
Go.. Now.
PreView Reviews: Go See The Departed Again
THE GRUDGE 2 – If this shit is half as boring as the first one then it’ll be about as exciting as watching flies fuck.*
9 Drinks to Enjoy
MAN OF THE YEAR – Robin shouldn’t have quit drinking. I still miss his manic, sweaty standup routines from the seventies. Wooo!
7 Drinks to Enjoy
THE MARINE – I’m sure as I type this that Lazlo is already in a theater watching this movie as he has the day off and a huge John Cena poster hanging in his bathroom. You forgot about… THE MARINE. Ha.
7 Drinks to Enjoy
*Blatantly stolen line from Carlin, but it was appropriate, so suck it.
PreView Reviews: Can We Just Get To The Oscar Pics Already?
THE GUARDIAN – TOP GUN meets THE PERFECT STORM. Meet my ass. (Don’t know who the chick is, but I’m not about to put a pic of Kutch and Kostner up on my site, thank you very much).
7 Drinks to Enjoy
OPEN SEASON – Don’t know anything about this.. Seems there’s a new kids crappy ass CGI bullshit cartoon every weekend now. Shit, this one probably has Martin Lawrence in it or something. No Pixar, No Lou.
8 Drinks to Enjoy
SCHOOL FOR SCOUNDRELS – Oh, how the mighty have fallen.. Todd Phillips leaves BORAT to do this. Great move, dumbass. At least you got that Amish guy from NAPOLEON DYNOMITE. I heard he’s a hot commodity three years ago. Fucktard.
9 Drinks to Enjoy
PreView Reviews: Just Go See CRANK
THE COVENANT – 4 teens not big enough for the CW are desce3ndants of witches from 1692 or some shit. If that isn’t enough to make you not see this movie, maybe the fact that Renny Harlin directed it will. Even the chicks in it look like 3or4 beer chicks. Pass.
8 Drinks to Enjoy
HOLLYWOODLAND – If you wanna see Ben Affleck as Superman, just click HERE. Nuff Said.
6 Drinks to Enjoy
THE PROTECTOR – Just the same old “Aisan Guy in Australia seeks revenge on The Mafia in order to get back his Stolen Elephants” story. Jesus, Hollywood. Run out of ideas, indeed.
8 Drinks to Enjoy
PreView Reviews: Booze, Football & Worms.. Just Like Every Weekend In The Fall
BEERFEST – If you think we’re not whole-heartedly endorsing this movie, you’ve probably never been with a Tijuana hooker and you sir can go fuck a duck and leave my site for good. This is our real Snakes on a Plane. Our Chinatown. Our Road House. Just get some cheap ass beer and go see this freakin movie you lazy fuckball snatch.
MPAA Rating: R for pervasive crude and sexual content, language, nudity and substance abuse.
-Nuff Said.
3 Drinks to Enjoy
HOW TO EAT FRIED WORMS – How? With fucking tequila bitch. Everyone knows that.
9 Drinks to Enjoy
IDLEWILD – There was a time when I was excited for this movie. That time was 2004. This is 2006 and I’m just drunk at work and not.
7 Drinks to Enjoy
INVINCIBLE – “I can do things! Things you don’t know about!” Like serve warm beer, throw a football and put things in her trunk.
6 Drinks to Enjoy
Drunks On A Site
There’s really only one thing to say.. BRING IT!!
Now get out of your office, go grab a 40 of King Cobra or some Samuel Jackson, “It’ll Get You Drunk!” and go see some mutherfuckin’ snakes on a mutherfuckin’ plane, yo!
3 Drinks to Enjoy*
*Nothing ever gets less than 3 drinks. This is the top rating I offer. Nothing should be enjoyed while under the influence of under 3 drinks.
PreView Reviews: Just Go See Little Miss Sunshine
WORLD TRADE CENTER – Nicolas Cage has a mustache and a bad New York accident. That’s really all I have to say about this. Don’t have a lot of 9/11 humor anymore. I’ve moved on to mystery liquid terror jokes.
6 Drinks to Enjoy
PULSE – Haunted gadgets, huh? Yep. Haunted cell phones.
9 Drinks to Enjoy
STEP UP – He’s a poor kid from the streets.. She’s a rich girl who dances ballet.. I’m going to fucking go into a theatre all Trench Coat Mafia stylie and start peelin’ caps and then turn the gun on myself and splatter my brains all over the screen.
9 Drinks to Enjoy
ZOOM – Jesus Christ.. This weekend can’t get anymore depressing can it? Teenage superheroes. Tim Allen. I just don’t have the energy for this shit. Can we just get to SNAKES ON A MUTHERFUCKIN PLANE already? Fuck.
9 Drinks to Enjoy
PreView Reviews: Get A Six Pack Of PBR And Get To The Theater
BARNYARD: THE ORIGINAL PARTY ANIMALS – Oh, how fucking clever is that huh? Get it. They’re party animals. HAHAHAHA. Kill me.
9 Drinks to Enjoy
THE DESCENT – When I think of chicks and spelunking, it’s usually completely different than this, but it does end up with tears and blood and screaming so I guess it’s not that different after all.
6 Drinks to Enjoy
THE NIGHT LISTENER – Did you guys know that Robin Williams can play a creepy reserved character too? Do you give a shit? He should just start doing coke again and see where that takes him. George Carlin, too. Just sayin.
7 Drinks to Enjoy
TALLADEGA NIGHTS: THE BALLAD OF RICKY BOBBY – Again, if I have to tell you to go see this movie, you’ve wandered into the wrong website, son. Get your mom’s thumb out of your ass and have her take you to the nearest theatre and bask in the glory that is Mr. Ferrell. Milk was a bad choice.
4 Drinks to Enjoy
PreView Reviews: Jan Hammer Lives
MIAMI VICE – If you’re not speeding out of your work today and rushing to the nearest theatre only stopping along the way to pick up a bottle of rum and maybe a bag of cocaine in order to see this masterpiece then I don’t want you returning to the site. Ever. Seriously, go over to fucking Perez or some shit. We don’t want your kind here.
4 Drinks to Enjoy
THE ANT BULLY – I don’t have kids, (that I know about), and this isn’t a Pixar film so it doesn’t get my gin-soaked dollars and therefore shouldn’t be agettin’ yours.9 Drinks to Enjoy
JOHN TUCKER MUST DIE – With Colin Farrel and Jesse Metcalfe all having flicks this weekend, all you need is Peter Gallagher and you could have an Unconfortably Large Eybrow Triple Feature. Just like my mom used to take me to as a kid. Ah, the good ole days.
7 Drinks to Enjoy (Couple drinks off for the kickass poster though)
