Hey all, spotdog here with this week’s PreView Reviews…
Dukes of Hazzard – I want to hate this movie. I really do. Seann William Scott couldn’t act his way out of a colostomy bag. Jessica Simpson, while having the best double D’s ever to be fondled by her creepy dad*, sounds like Corky from “Life Goes On” when she tries the southern accent. Burt Reynold’s face looks like a piece of rawhide stretched over a Terminator skull. But, I know damn well I’m going to be in the theatre this weekend with a bottle of Jim Beam by my side laughing it up to this horseshit. So, I guess all I can say about that is… Cooter.

7 Drinks to Enjoy
[*Ashlee has C's]

Hey all, spotdog here with this week’s hungover, lazy, yet succinct PreView Reviews…
Stealth – Jamie Foxx battles with an out of control, crazed robot bent on world domination. Didn’t he already do that in Collateral? Get it? It’s a Cruise burn. How timely! Snap!

9 Drinks to Enjoy
Sky High – Yes, I am, but not enough to see this crap.

8 Drinks to Enjoy
Must Love Dogs – Also Must Love Shitty Movies.

9 Drinks to Enjoy

Hey all, spotdog here with this week’s PreView Reviews…
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory – A pale faced man who dresses funny and lives in a strange world with weird creatures who invites kids over to play. I know what you’re thinking… Mr. Rogers, right? This has everything I look for in a movie. Candy, Johnny Depp, midgets, killer squirrels, young children… Wait. No, that’s inappropriate. I meant young girls. My bad.

5 Drinks to Enjoy
Wedding Crashers – The Butterscotch Stallion and Mr. Sunshine picking up chicks at weddings? Where do I sign up? Yeah, it’s an R Rated comedy, something that was seeming to go the way of the fanny pack. All I can tell you is that I’m still giving this a high drink rating, and not because it needs it, but because I think that’s how they would want you to see it. Drunk. Preferably on champagne.

7 Drinks and to Enjoy

Hey all, spotdog here with this week’s PreView Reviews…
Fantastic Four – Everyone knows the real Fantastic Four are Jessica Alba and Jennifer Connelly. But if you really want to see them, save yourself the $15 bucks and click here and here. I mean, I like comic book movies and all, but Stretch Armstrong wasn’t even fun when I was nine, I got my fill of big angry hulky guys with, what was his name? Oh yeah, Hellboy, and don’t get me started on the Flamer Guy. Seriously, I don’t care if James Cameron is directing me in Aqua Boots, I’m not saying “Flame On!” And to think this kid looked directly at his agent and said, “So, it’s the director of Barbershop and my catch phrase is “Flame On”? Where do I sign?” God help us all.

8 Drinks to Enjoy
Dark Water – Another in the endless line of completely worthless, not scary Asian “horror” movie remakes. I bet there’s a freaky looking kid in it. How original. At first, I must admit, I was intrigued.. Miss Connelly, wet, scared, wet. Did I mention wet? But you always have to read the fine print. PG-13. If it had been “Dark Water, White Shirt,” then maybe I’d make it, but they’d have to grow a sack and go for the ‘R’ to get my hard-earned moolah, just like the strippers at the club do. They understand the rules. Dollars=Titties. It’s a simple equation. Shit, that’s not even an equation, there aren’t even any variables. Damn, Hollywood, get your shit together.

7 Drinks and to Enjoy

Hey all, spotdog here with this week’s PreView Reviews…
War of the Worlds – Why didn’t someone tell me that this came out on Wednesday? Imagine my surprise when I come rolling up this morning from a week of eating peyote in the Mojave and see that Tiny Crooz has been fighting back the aliens for two days. Not to brag, but I have been too. As far as the movie goes, if I wanted to see shaky handheld footage of an overpowering force with higher technology occupying and destoying another world in which they know nothing about, I’d watch Fox News. And Dakota Fanning is creepy.

5 Drinks and 2 Ritalin (A Street Drug) to Enjoy
Rebound – Who would’ve thought that Martin would actually look like the sane one out of these two? I’m not sure who thought this was a good idea for a movie, but who am I to say? The freaking Pacifier made a buttload of money. I refuse to watch Martin if he’s not standing next to Will Smith and being directed by Mr. Bay. And speaking of Bay, who can’t wait for The Island? Fuck Sith and Batman, that is the real Summer movie to see. Shit, I’ve neglected to say anything substantial about Rebound. Yep. Totally did.

9 Drinks to Enjoy
Have a Happy Fourth kids, and remember, “Beer Before Booze, You Can’t Lose”. Actually, beer before anything and you’re pretty much golden.
-spot

Hey all, spotdog here with this week’s PreView Reviews…
Bewitched – Okay. Let me try to get this straight. It’s a remake of a tv show, but the actual movie is about some assholes trying to remake the tv show. Deep. And let’s just say that if you didn’t feel bad for Nicole Kidman back after the divorce, now you have to. Xenu only knows what kind of hell (do those freaks believe in hell?) she had to deal with back before we all found out that ole Thomas Mapother IV (real name) was a raving brainwashed lunatic pedophile. I’m not one to judge, but really, brainwashed? Shit. I’ve gotten off topic again. I would love to be able to say that because Will Farrell is in this one that it will be tolerable, but I think it’s plainly obvious that this is going to make you wish also you had a broomstick, so you could jam it up your or your nearest neighbor’s ass.

8 Drinks to Enjoy
George Romero’s Land of the Dead – So, after 28 Days Later, Shaun of the Dead, and Million Dollar Baby, everyone’s jumping on the Zombie Bandwagon and trying to squeeze some coin out of this “dead” franchise. I’m not sure who this Romero dude is, but the real Zombie movies went out of style in the 70s and no one will ever be able to top the guy who made those originals. I can’t remember his name right now, but I can guarantee that if he were around today to see your crappy ass remake or whatever it is, he’d agree with me.

4 Drinks to Enjoy
Herbie: Fully Loaded – This should have been the review I’d been waiting my whole year to write, right? Well, it would have been at one point. But now both the reasons I used to be excited about are shriveled down and hanging off some bleached blond human hat rack. Sure, she’s still an 18 year old drunk, drug addled nymphomaniac, and yes, that’s usually what I look for in a girl, but there’s just something missing now. Now, she’s just become no better than most of the coked out gutter sluts I usually take home and that just isn’t right. So, what about Herbie? Did you really think I was going to waste this opportunity and write about Herbie? Please.

2 Lines, 1 Cigarette (picked up off ground), & 2 Virgin Bloody Mary’s (Hold the Virgin) To Enjoy

Hey all, spotdog here with this week’s PreView Reviews…
Batman Begins – So, everyone got all upset when Schumacher gayed up Batman & Robin, right? But really, the Dynamic Duo? Come on. Bruce and Dick have always been TV’s first openly gay couple. Anyone who dresses up in rubber and swings around town with his little buddy, who by the way is named after that ferocious little bird that lays brown eggs – scary, is obviously involved in an “alternative lifestyle,” if you will. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.*
So what about this new movie? Shit, how am I supposed to know? I haven’t even seen the freakin’ movie yet. How do you expect me to give a review? Damn. It looks good, but it’s surely crap. How ’bout five. Yeah. Five Drinks.

5 Drinks to Enjoy
The Perfect Man – Seriously folks, this is getting ridiculous. Lizzie McGuire trying to hook up her mom, the MILF from Dallas, with that guy, Mr. Big from Sex And The City? It’s getting harder and harder to not just toss around my 10 Drink Rating like E Pills at a German rave. Mmmm. German rave. E pills. Uh, wait, where was I? Oh yeah, well, Horse Teeth McDuff alone virtually warrants the rating, but just because I’ve been a bit too liberal with it lately, and really, who gives a fuck about this abc family bullshit anyways? I’m going home.

13 Sleeping Pills and 1 Bottle of Everclear to Enjoy
*© Jerry Seinfeld, 1994