BARNYARD: THE ORIGINAL PARTY ANIMALS – Oh, how fucking clever is that huh? Get it. They’re party animals. HAHAHAHA. Kill me.

THE DESCENT – When I think of chicks and spelunking, it’s usually completely different than this, but it does end up with tears and blood and screaming so I guess it’s not that different after all.

THE NIGHT LISTENER – Did you guys know that Robin Williams can play a creepy reserved character too? Do you give a shit? He should just start doing coke again and see where that takes him. George Carlin, too. Just sayin.

TALLADEGA NIGHTS: THE BALLAD OF RICKY BOBBY – Again, if I have to tell you to go see this movie, you’ve wandered into the wrong website, son. Get your mom’s thumb out of your ass and have her take you to the nearest theatre and bask in the glory that is Mr. Ferrell. Milk was a bad choice.

MIAMI VICE – If you’re not speeding out of your work today and rushing to the nearest theatre only stopping along the way to pick up a bottle of rum and maybe a bag of cocaine in order to see this masterpiece then I don’t want you returning to the site. Ever. Seriously, go over to fucking Perez or some shit. We don’t want your kind here.

4 Drinks to Enjoy
THE ANT BULLY – I don’t have kids, (that I know about), and this isn’t a Pixar film so it doesn’t get my gin-soaked dollars and therefore shouldn’t be agettin’ yours.

9 Drinks to Enjoy
JOHN TUCKER MUST DIE – With Colin Farrel and Jesse Metcalfe all having flicks this weekend, all you need is Peter Gallagher and you could have an Unconfortably Large Eybrow Triple Feature. Just like my mom used to take me to as a kid. Ah, the good ole days.

7 Drinks to Enjoy (Couple drinks off for the kickass poster though)

CLERKS II – Clerks II. Isn’t that enough? You shouldn’t even be reading this right now. Just get your lazy ass away from the computer and go see the damn movie already. Just don’t suck any dicks on your way to the parking lot.

3 Drinks to Enjoy
LADY IN THE WATER – M. Night Shamalamadingfuck brings you the fascinating story of.. Oh who gives a shit anymore with this twat? Just go see CLERKS II for fart’s sake.

9 Drinks to Enjoy
MONSTER HOUSE – Unless this has Jesse James welding a keg to a toilet, then no one needs to waste their time with this crap.

7 Drinks to Enjoy
MY SUPER EX-GIRLFRIEND – The only super ex-girlfriend is a super dead one. Nuff Said.

9 Drinks to Enjoy

YOU, ME AND DUPREE – Not You, Not Me and for fuck’s sake I’m not seeing Dupree. What is this February or March? What is this shit doing in the middle of the summer? Why isn’t there another huge Summer blockbuster this weekend? Why am I asking so many questions? LOUD NOISES!!

9 Drinks to Enjoy
LITTLE MAN – From White Chicks to Black Babies.. Just like Brad Pitt. OH! Rimshot! Is this thing on?

9 Drinks to Enjoy

CLICK – Haven’t seen CLICK.. not going to see CLICK.. didn’t read CLICK.. don’t know what’s going to happen, YET I can guarantee you I know what this piece of shit movie is going to be about. How, you ask? Well, lets see.. the guy who wrote it also BRUCE ALMIGHTY which is the same fucking movie if you think about it – God=Remote.. which is actually a pretty true statement. Tivo has much more of an effect on my daily life than “god” ever will.. moving on. So, that movie could have been okay had they not gotten into all the BS at the end where he learned the true meaning of life and that god can’t just give everyone what they want. Blah blah blah.. Ever seen JACK with Robin Williams? (Directed by Francis Ford Coppola BTW – Paycheck anyone?) Well, this is that movie too. Remember, JACK was kinda cute when Robin Williams was 40 playing with the 10 year olds, but it wasn’t nearly as cool when they were 25 and he was 100 was it? “Hey Jack, we can’t fit your iron lung in the lap dance room at the strip club. Would you go outside and die or something?” Bottom line, Sandler is going to fast forward all the way to the end and miss his family’s entire lives hence learning the meaning of life. For the love of Farley’s syringe, please! Sandler hasn’t made a great movie in years, he’s made tolerable ones. Well, don’t go see this one. Where’s the drunk guy seeing dancing penguins or the fantasies of midgets or grandmas or girls in nighties? Ah, forget it. I’m sure it’s going to make $52.3million at the box office because people are sheep and will see what we tell them to. Cuddles.*

10 Drinks to Enjoy – YOU’RE BETTER THAN THIS SHIT SANDLER.
WAIST DEEP – I gave Sandler that many words because I respect him and I think he needs a intervention before he turns into Kiddie Murphy. If you think I’m going to waste my typin’ fangers on Tyrese’s Waist Deep Direct-To-DVD Party, you must be smokin’ more meth than I am.

9 Drinks to Enjoy**
*Sorry drunkenstepfather for totally stealing your salutation, but it was too appropriate to not use. You remain the man.
**And no, even though it has a better rating, I don’t think Tyrese’s movie is better than Sandler’s.. It’s just that Sandler will never learn if you don’t go that extra mile and I would never bless Tiereeese with the honour of receiving my worst rating. It only goes out under extreme circumstances.

THE DA VINCI CODE – Jesus Christ! This movie is going to suck. I usually will promote anything that paints the Messiah as a pimp, but the HanksMullet needs to go and so does Opie’s attempt at making A BEAUTIFUL MIND II: ALBINOS GONE WILD.

8 Drinks to Enjoy
OVER THE HEDGE – Bruce Willis is a talking racoon. I’m not sure there needs to be anything said except maybe it could be called DIE YARD. I’ve been drinking, so that’s probably funnier to me than you, so screw off. If you did like it though, you’re an outstanding individual. A force to be reckoned with. I need a nap.

6 Drinks to Enjoy
SEE NO EVIL – Finally, FINALLY a movie by the over grown retards over at the WWFECW, whatever its called now.. Hey, I know, let’s watch a 9 foot tall steroid junkie chase around a bunch of no name former Nick Jr. actors. Let’s not. Let’s just go home, drink a couple bottles of Madd Dogg 20/20 and call it a night.*

9 Drinks to Enjoy
*Maybe call a couple craiglist escorts after, but then, definitely call it a night.

GOAL! THE DREAM BEGINS – A Mexican playing soccer with an English team? That’s like a black guy playing hockey or me having sex with fat girls with the lights on. Just doesn’t sound reasonable to me.

7 Drinks to Enjoy
JUST MY LUCK – Remember when Lindsay Lohan was hot? And I’m not talking about when she was 13 in Freaky Friday, (although inside I’m thinking about it), I’m talking about like a year or so ago when she wasn’t such a crack whore or “going through puberty” or “working out a lot” or “blowing huge lines off toilets at Spyder Club.” Oh well, now she’s just another annoying girl who I have to see every day. Ugh. The hazards of a half-assed blogger, I guess.

9 Drinks to Enjoy
POSEIDON – Never saw the original version. Don’t watch anything older than my dates or that doesn’t star both Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee or that doesn’t have the words “Wild,” “Gone” and “Girls” in the title, (not necessarily in that order), so I can’t tell you if they should’ve remade it. What I do know is that dumb aussie bitch from Real World or >Fear Factor or West Wing, one of those stupid reality shows is in it and she has nice tits. Still not seeing it, but hey Tits+Water=Enteratainment. Actually Tits+Just About Anything=Entertainment. Except Eddie Murphy, he’s totally gay*.

9 Drinks to Enjoy
*By “gay” I mean both homosexual and the completely innappropriate slang term that “gay” means “sucky.” Wait. Maybe “sucky” wasn’t the right word. I meant to say “shitty.” Wait. That’s not the right word either. Let’s just go with “bad.” And not bad meaning good. Bad meaning really gay. Shit. I’m right back where I started from. Forget it. I’m going to a bar.

An American Haunting – Remember Blair Witch? Yeah, me neither. Even if Carrie is in this, something tells me that there isn’t any hot teen boobs showering in the 1800s, so by way of the that description, no Lou.

8 Drinks to Enjoy
Hoot – Again, without the “ers“, there’s just something missing from this title, hence Lou will be missing from this film. See a trend?

9 Drinks to Enjoy
Mission: Impossible III – Wow. So, again, here we are with this, the inevitable end to the last 9 months of media circus/farce/closetcase/relationship/pregnancy that has led us to the actual film itself. And here I stand, a complete JJA devotee, (Did I mention how awesome it was to see them kill Ana and Libby last night?), stuck without knowing what to do. Like a wolf across the speeding highway from a field full of lambs or better yet a dyslexic (Is that spelled right? Is it ironic if it isn’t?) Varsity QB at the door of a sorority house that can only be opened with the alarm code ACDB.. I stand here wanting to see this P.O.S. bitch-ass Cruise in his probably decent movie. Well, I have only one thing to say.. monkey monkey monkey monkey.

6 Drinks to Enjoy