Hey all, spotdog here with this week’s PreView Reviews…
The Adventures of Shark Boy and Lava Girl in 3-D – Unless you’re one of those poor bastards who passed out in their own vomit and woke up with a bunch of ankle biters, then I see no reason to bother with this crap. Yeah, I know it’s Rodriguez and he’s supposed to be God or some shit, but remember, his 8 year old kid came up with the idea for the movie, and 8 year old kids don’t know shit. Most of them can’t even make a decent martini. And don’t get me started on their constant “but the whiskey burns my throat” whining. I say skip it and get drunk in the nearest alley.

5 Drinks in the Alley to Enjoy
High Tension – It’s hard for me to a do a regular PreView Review on this one because I saw it last year when it was in French and called Haute Tension. I guess, now they’ve dubbed it in English for all the illiterate fucks who can’t be bothered to read during a movie. So, at the very least you’ll be able to mock the screen when their mouths don’t move with the words. All I really remember about the movie is that it had some pretty decent killings and the sexy little French broad was easy on the eyes. I’m pretty sure there’s a dubbing joke in there about putting something English in her French mouth, but I’m too lazy to be clever.

4 Drinks to Enjoy
Mr. & Mrs. Smith – What do you get when you put the two best looking actors in the world in a movie together? Divorce. And poor Jennifer Aniston is left to the wayside to continue her inevitable slide into Sarah Jessica Parker Face Land™. We all know that Angelina is hotter than shit and under the right circumstances, I think even I would fuck Brad Pitt, but what kind of movie can Brandgelina™ give us? Who really gives two shits? Grab a date, get liquored up, and get some, God damn it!
+ +
3 Drinks Before the Movie + 2 During + 4 Afterward Because You’ll Feel So Ugly = 9 Drinks to Enjoy
The Honeymooners – After last week’s Sisterhood 10 Drink rating, I’m cautious to throw it out there again so nonchalantly, but seriously, The Honeymooners? Cedric The (Non)Entertainer in another It’s just like ____________ except it’s “urban” movie? Please. And when the hell did “urban” become the P.C. word for black? What about all the black people that live in the country? I, for one, can’t wait for the white remake of Boyz N Tha Hood except Sub-urban. I need a drink.

10 Drinks to Enjoy

Hey all, spotdog here with this week’s Pre-View Reviews…
Cinderella Man – Finally, a boxing movie that won’t end up being about kids in China. (Get it? Youth in.. Aw, forget it). I think this is the sequel to Seabiscuit, except the horse is now reincarnated into the body of Russell Crowe who has to get beaten up all day and then come home to the eternally puckered face of Renee Zellwegeronivich (sp?). Talk about the Depression. This masochistic tale is brought to you by Opie, so you know there will be no cussing, screwing, or really anything of great interest. I say stay home and watch Rocky 4.

5 Drinks to Enjoy
Lords of Dogtown – This is not, as I originally thought, the prequel to All Dogs Go To Heaven, and I’m pretty sure Dom Deluise isn’t in it, which sucks. Apparently, it’s a skateboading movie about the kids who figured out skateboarding didn’t have to be sucky, with handstands and other Beach Boys type crap. And it’s directed by that lady who made Thirteen, about young girls who get high, make out, and give head. So, you know I’m a fan of her work. I’ve been working on a documentary along the same lines for years.

4 Drinks to Enjoy
The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants – There was a time when a “sisterhood” like this with “magic pants” would have been burned at the stake. Ah, the good ole days. This movie is obviously a fantasy as these pants seem to fit on all of these girls, even though I’m pretty sure one of them, how do I say this delicately, has an enormous ass. I don’t throw out the 10 drink rating haphazardly, but I’m pretty sure if you were to see this movie sober, or conscious for that matter, people would end up dead. And you’d end up gay.

10 Drinks to Enjoy

Hey all, spotdog here. First off, I would like to welcome all the TVgasm peeps who have stumbled onto our little site over the past couple days. Hopefully some of you will stick around, and now that the TV season has taken a break, (until Big Brother that is, right B-Side?), feel free to send in anything you think would be of interest to us here.
Well, now that we’ve finally got that Sith off our backs, I guess we can finally get on with the good movies, right? Let’s see…
The Longest Yard – Adam Sandler plays the Burt Reynolds role in this remake. I just hope he makes a career of it. I can’t wait for his take on Deliverance. Just think of the possibilities. Nelly could redo Dueling Banjos with Bo Bice. Angelina Jolie’s dad could work again. And instead of the audience bending over and taking it, well, you know where I’m going with this.
Besides, everyone knows who the real stars of this film are…

5 Drinks to Enjoy
Madagascar – Chris Rock is in this one too, except instead of playing a wise-cracking, street-wise stripe-wearing criminal behind bars in prison, he plays a wise-cracking street-wise zebra behind bars in a zoo. Get it? He’s black AND white. I just blew my mind. Oh, and David Schwimmer’s in it, so, well, there’s that.

7 Drinks to Enjoy

Hey, all you American Pigs. This is your old buddy spotdog reporting live from Cannes. Mischa & I wish you were here. I’m not quite sure if all these people here are speaking French or if they’re just drunk. I know I’m drunk, so I’ll quickly dispense with the snark for the week. Here’s your review…
Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith – The 600 Billion Dollar Man returns this time to give the fans what he should have given them six years ago when he first realized he’d run out of new material and had to mine his past successes for some more cash. ILM doesn’t run on dilithium crystals, now does it? (Yes, I know that was a Star Trek reference).
So after the virtually pointless Episodes Eye and Double Eye, he brings us to the end of the beginning, which is actually the middle of the Star Wars saga. So, does he do it right this time? Of course not. The Head Ewok will still have us sitting through endless scenes of shitty dialogue, crappy CG environments, and Hayden Christensen before finally putting a fork in this puppy. That is, until he goes back in 2 years and completely changes everything for the re-release. There’s really only one way to summarize my feelings on this film and that’s by channeling the spirit of the Great Robert Evans.
Will I buy a ticket? You know it. Will the movie blow? Of course it will. Will I see it again, anyways? You bet your sweet ass.

6 Drinks to Enjoy

Seriously, can we just get to next week so I can start hating on Star Wars, already? This crap isn’t even fun to mock, so I’m just going to review them with the same half-assed intensity that the filmmakers put into them. Enjoy.
Kicking & Screaming – You’ll be kicking and screaming with laughter!*

7 Drinks to Enjoy
Mindhunters – How do you review an obviously ridiculous movie that was made over 2 years ago starring burnouts like Christian Slater and LL Cool J that is already available on DVD in pretty much every country except for the U.S.?**

9 Drinks to Enjoy
Unleashed – You see, Jet Li is a dog, and they take his leash off. No, seriously, that’s the plot. I’m not sure if there’s anything more I can say. Wait, yes there is.. Shoot me.

8 Drinks to Enjoy
Monster-In-Law – Jennifer Lopez AND Jane Fonda? How can I put this delicately? How about, oh, I don’t know.. Fuck No.

3 Drinks, 2 Roofies, & 1 Vicodin To Enjoy
*I wrote this stupid thing a few days ago, and on the way to work this morning, I heard this actual quote on a radio ad for this movie. Guess I’m not so stupid now, am I? Oh, wait, I still am.
**You understood that was rhetorical, right?***
***That one too.

Hola, all. spotdog here. While I’m sure after Cinco tonight I’ll be nursing a mean hangover all weekend and won’t have the fortitude to make it to any of these fine cinematic selections, I still offer up to you this week’s Pre-View Re-Views, you know, cuz i care…
Crash – Unfortunately, there will be no sex with scabby open wounds in this non-Cronenberg film, that is unless you count Sandra Bullock, but it’s independant, so you know Don Cheadle’s in it. But, it also has Matt Dillon and Ludacris in it, so there’s about a 63% of it being complete shit.

5 Drinks to Enjoy
House of Wax – Speaking of scabby open wounds, Paris Hilton, and her dilapidated vagina will, oddly enough, be in this apparent autobiography of Russell Simmons and the building of the DefJam empire. I might be wrong about the details. I haven’t been able to get past Elisha Cuthbert’s bounding bosom in the trailer. Now THAT’S hot.

7 Drinks to Enjoy
Kingdom of Heaven – Orlando Bloom didn’t get the memo about the One Ring, and continues his quest. Except this time, instead of Orcs, he’s slaughtering thousands of people who believe in a slightly different imaginary man in the sky than his Elves, oops, Christians do. The First Great Date Movie of the Summer! Grab a Muslim, a Jew, and what the heck, even a Republican and don’t forget the Jesus Juice.

4 Cans of Jesus Juice to Enjoy