My God, so much I like to drink Scotch that sometimes I think my name is Igor Stra-whiskey.
–Igor Stravinsky

I like to think of Jesus like with giant eagles wings, and singin’ lead vocals for Lynyrd Skynyrd with like an angel band and I’m in the front row and I’m hammered drunk!
–Cal Naughton Jr.

Whenever someone asks me if I want water with my Scotch, I say I’m thirsty, not dirty.
–Joe E. Lewis

In a study, scientists report that drinking beer can be good for the liver. I’m sorry, did I say “scientists”? I meant “Irish people.”
–Tina Fey

A good heavy book holds you down. It’s an anchor that keeps you from getting up and having another gin and tonic.
–Roy Blount, Jr.

No drug, not even alcohol, causes the fundamental ills of society. If we’re looking for the source of our troubles, we shouldn’t test people for drugs, we should test them for stupidity, ignorance, greed and love of power.
–P. J. O’Rourke

“The toes are the onramp to the panocha.”
–S.O. Mac

“The most important thing to remember about drunks is that drunks are far more intelligent than non-drunks. They spend a lot of time talking in pubs, unlike workaholics who concentrate on their careers and ambitions, who never develop their higher spiritual values, who never explore the insides of their head like a drunk does.”
–Shane MacGowan

Alcohol is necessary for a man so that he can have a good opinion of himself, undisturbed be the facts.
–Finley Peter Dunne

“I was never PC. When my teacher in grade school said, ‘Sit Indian style,’ I’d get a bottle of whiskey and lie down at the curb.”
–Rich Vos