My Grandmother is over eighty and still doesn’t need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.
-Henny Youngman (1906 – 1998)

Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking.
–Dave Barry (1947 – ), “The Taming of the Screw”

Slash sat me down at his house and said, You’ve got to clean up your act. You know you’ve gone too far when Slash is saying, Look, you’ve got to get into rehab.
Charlie Sheen

I don’t need a baby growing inside me for nine months. For one thing, there’s morning sickness. If I’m going to feel nauseous and achy when I wake up, I want to achieve that state the old fashioned way: getting good and drunk the night before.
–Ellen DeGeneres

Not being a page freed up quite a bit of time in my schedule. I was 19, the legal drinking age in New Orleans was 18, and Bourbon Street was within walking distance of the hotel. It was a great convention.
–Mary Cheney

Marriage is based on the theory that when man discovers a brand of beer exactly to his taste he should at once throw up his job and go work in the brewery.
–George Jean Nathan (1882 – 1958)

He doesn’t have the greatest smarts in the world. His main interests in school were broads and booze.
–J. Danforth Quayle’s Father, 08/23/88

All right, brain, you don’t like me, and I don’t like you, but let’s just get me through this, and I can get back to killing you with beer.
–Homer Simpson

“A drunk man’s words are a sober man’s thoughts.”
–Oliver Reed

“You’re not drunk if you can lay on the floor without holding on.”
–Jerry Lewis