August 21 — A strike by a local beer distributor leaves Wrigley Field without beer for one game, forcing 40,000 Cubs fans to watch a game sober and realize for the first time that they’ve been watching some pretty awful baseball over the past 100 years.
[ESPN Page 2]

”I think you’ll know I’m telling the truth here: I was not a user. I was not a steroid guy. If you see me, I’m body by booze.
–Mark Grace

My manager told me, “Mitch, don’t use alcohol as a crutch.” I can’t use alcohol as a crutch because a crutch is something that helps me walk. Alcohol severely fucks up the way I walk. It’s more like the step I didn’t see.
–MItch Hedberg

“If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.”
– Jack Handy

“I only drank Scotch. Dewar’s White Label.” He adds, “In this business, [going to rehab] is like going to get your teeth cleaned.”
–Billy Joel
[A Socialite's Life]

“I don’t know why anyone would want to take coke now. It was different in my day, because it was all so much purer.”
–Rod Stewart
This coming from a guy who used to wriggle around the stage in pink skin tight pleather pants and leopard print sleeveless t-shirts with hair sprayed to the ceiling asking, “Do you think I’m sexy?”
Well, come to think of it, maybe he’s right after all.

“What is it about a beautiful sunny afternoon, with the birds singing and the wind rustling through the leaves, that makes you want to get drunk?”
–Jack Handy

“The whole world is three drinks behind. If everyone in the world would take three drinks, we would have no trouble. If Stalin, Truman and everybody else in the world had three drinks right now, we’d all loosen up and we wouldn’t need the United Nations.”
–Humphrey Bogart

After “The West Wing’s” second season, Sorkin was arrested at Burbank Airport on charges of possession of cocaine, hallucinogenic mushrooms and marijuana (the charges were later dismissed after he completed a rehabilitation program). He once told TV Guide that he smoked crack every day while writing his 1995 film “The American President.” “That is why it took me three years to write the script,” he said.
I need to hang out with Aaron Sorkin.
[LA Times via Defamer]