Lazlo Ponders
The Lazlo Ponders Life’s Most Important Questions Series Presents: Just A Backstage Kind Of Lazlo
Nov 18th 2005
Sup Booze heads…
So I have not written one of this bar review type things in a while. It was not because I had stopped drinking/died (I always tend to lump these things together) but it is due to the fact that lately I have found myself blind drunk on my coach and not suitable for public consumption. My sincerest apologies/fuck off.
Finding yourself sober in Beverly Hills is a bitch. Hell, finding yourself in Beverly Hills without pitchforks to stab the eyes of the rich is a drag, but I progress. Stu Copland, who managed the Police (kick ass) and Bangles (yicks) owns the downiest outest little bar off of the Rodeo. THE BACKSTAGE CAFE, with its Gold Records and rock paraphernalia lined walls has a pimp/cafe vibe to it which makes it one of the only places I can wet my beak in Beverly Hills that does not make me want to puke on a Botoxed lady wearing a mink.
The Lazlo Ponders Life’s Most Important Questions Series Presents: The Times They Are A’Irish
Jun 28th 2005
I know it’s a little against the spirit of these things, but the last two weeks I have been reviewing my favorite bars instead of trying new places to get my shit right and liquored. But, to us drunks, our watering holes are like our teams; we are with them thick and thin. I would call my favorite bar a member of my family, but that would mean I wouldn’t call them back and hate their kids.
So, I find myself sitting in one of the better Gin Joints in LA, THE IRISH TIMES. This West LA suds guzzler is both neighborhood bar and hip yet not too trendy pad where you can belly up to the bar and pound Guinness after Guinness while bullshitting with the locals or jam out to some cover band that sounds like a less annoying version of The Cranberries. The food is, well, it’s Irish food. Irish food is the fat chick of the culinary world. They both get the job done but nobody, with the exception of Lou, is really happy with themselves when the deal is done.
The Lazlo Ponders Life’s Most Important Questions Series Presents: Bean Town Baby
Jun 21st 2005
Ah the Beanery. Legendary West Hollywood drinking establishment, Barney’s Beanery is kind of like an old girlfriend of mine, a fucking great time with the possibility the night may result in an arrest of some sort. I have been happily single for the past year or so and in that time I have found myself hanging out at this little gem quite a bit. Hell, in a whiskey induced haze last summer I tried to drag Lou over the patio railing cause he didn’t call me back or some pussy shit like that (I think I was on my man-period or something and Lou was gracious enough to accept my SorryIGotDrunk olive branch of Golden Tee and pitchers at the scene of the crime the next day. Like I said, great fucking time. The decor is straight out of a Hazzard repair garage. Keep in mind this place is in the heart of West Hollywood with bars called SPIKE, TRUNKS and COME GET DICK HERE (ok, I made that last one up) so what is essentially a rough and tumble biker bar (at least the Southern Cali version of one) is a nice change of pace. I will not go so far as to say that I support the sign that used to reside at the entrance pronouncing NO FAGS ALLOWED. People are not “doing drinks” at Barneys, they are tossing back little brain cell assassins quicker then Tom Cruise can take a bride.
The Lazlo Ponders Life’s Most Important Questions Series Presents: Stay Classy Maloney’s
Jun 14th 2005
Ah, San Diego, she is a powerful mistress. Living in LA is great, but seeing as I do not drive a Porsche, (more like Prelude), or look like Fabio, (more like Kevin James), women are very tricky to get in this town. Seeing as I have to rely on things other than my Hills pad and a mountain of coke, (1 out of 2 is not bad), I am forced to rely on charm. Sometimes I just do not have the energy to deal with all of the bullshit that comes with trying to date in LA. So that is when I take a trip to our bitchin’ little cousin city to the south, San Diego. San Diego is like the really hot friend of a supermodel who doesn’t get what the big deal is about her friend. And get this; you can talk to girls there without feeling like you should apologize for wasting their time when you are done. Plus most of them are really good looking. I keep thinking back to Eli Manning getting picked by the Chargers in the 2004 draft and then refusing to go there. If I am a 22 year old guy and you want to PAY me millions of dollars to go to some place with hot, cool chicks and great weather year round, I would bypass the post draft interviews quicker then Ricky Williams trying to find a lighter at a reggae festival and head straight for PB Beach Bar and start picking up chicks in bikini tops and sandals.
The Lazlo Ponders Life’s Most Important Questions Series Presents: Stopping Short Of Drunkiness
Jun 9th 2005
Take me out to the bar stool
Take me out to the pub
By me a pint of P B R… You get the idea
If you ever head to Dodger Stadium to watch a game or a stabbing or such, you should give yourself a couple of hours and head to THE SHORT STOP on Sunset Blvd. before the game. It is a bar that used to be a cop bar (boooo) and is now a bar for East Hollywood Tattooed Hipsters (yeahhh). Old Laz had mixed feelings about the place when I walked in. But then I saw the most beautiful thing I have ever laid my bloodshot eyes upon. Then the tatted up hottie pouring beers moved to the side and I saw an even more beautiful thing – $1 PINT DRAFTS. You don’t understand, finding $1 drafts in LA makes you feel like Indiana Jones without the hat and whip. I order up a round for my friends (5 bucks) and we nestled in for an afternoon of dinking dirt cheap and trucker hat trendy beer.
The Lazlo Ponders Life’s Most Important Questions Series Presents: Man On A Mission
Jun 1st 2005
Monday, May 30, 2005 10:07 AM
So, I guess being hung over is sort of how I am going to start a lot of these things, but today is kind of a special one. I spent last night terrorizing the streets of San Fran with my old drinking buddy K Dog. He was sans wife and I was sans sanity but that write-up will come later. So like the good little brainwashed traveler that I am, I show up really early for my flight and find myself at the Mission Bar with time to spare and brain cells to kill. I tear through 3 bloodys like a man on a mission and decided that this may be the worst airport bar in the history of inebriated travel. The drinks are high on price and low on both booze and flavor and they are served by a bartender named Chen that speaks no English and does not even attempt to rebuff my conversation. Dude’s job consists of getting me high and listening to me ramble while high and he can not do either with any grace. I debate in my head for a while if it is fair to judge a bar by my experience at said bar at 9 AM on a Monday and come to this conclusion:
The Lazlo Ponders Life’s Most Important Questions Series Presents: Drinking With The Duke
May 31st 2005
Saturday, May 28, 2005 4:06 PM
Airports suck. Hangovers suck. Together, lethal.
The only thing that can improve either of these things is booze. I find myself today at the Orange Bar And Grill at the John Wayne Intl airport. The Duke is somewhat of a hero of mine. Not because of his movies or such, but because he was a man. The kinda man who wasn’t afraid to wave a gun around or threaten an actor who was dating his daughter because he was “A Commie.” He is the kinda guy I try to be when I am sloshed. The difference is I come of like an asshole when the duke comes off like an icon. Something about boots and filling and me not.