7. BOOZE NOT CENTRAL – This one sucks big ole floppy donkey dick. I like wine more then most, but it is bad form to get sloppy drunk on your valentines date. Course drinking from a warm bottle of Jack Daniels that calls my nightstand home is probably bad form as well but the has never stopped me.
6. NO FOOTBALL – If you think that V day falling about 10 days after the end of Football season is a coincidence you are high. Hallmark planned that shit because they know that women are on the edge of snapping due to 16 some odd weeks of us not giving a crap if they live or die on Sundays playing into their daddy issues. Lesson here, everyone at Hallmark are Nazis, and not the good kind either.
5. CRAPPY FOOD – Fuck Candy. Pass the wings. Nuff said.
4. PORN NOT ACCEPTED GIFT – See, I would be on board with the day if along with a heart shaped box of Chocolate, I could give the gift that keeps on giving – Even Girls Do It 3 Strap it ON. But somehow that is out of line on this topsy turvy holiday. I just don’t get it.
3. NO SLUTTY OUTFITS – Yeah, I know sometimes if we are really lucky you will model that $800 nightie with the strappy things that we bought you over a shame filled lunch hour earlier that day, but V Day takes a distance 2nd to Halloween when it comes to trashy outfits for chicks. I am just saying if you put a slutty nurse outfit on during dinner, your man would be way more into it.
2. BOOZE NOT CENTRAL – I still can not get over this. At least on Christmas we have Brandy soaked Egg noggin. Yeah it sucks but it looks like puke going down and coming back up. There is something comforting in that.
1. I LOOK HORRIBLE IN LINGERIE – Ask Lou.
So there you have it, if there are any single ladies out there that feel like getting hammered and ending up on the wrong end of a Lazsicle, hit me up at Lazlo@sorryigotdrunk.com. I promise you a time you will never forget, and you will probably put you in therapy sometime soon. So happy V day everyone, I hope you all get a burning sensation when you pee.
This is Lazlo saying, I Love you.

3. As great as things are going with drunk girl’s hot friend and as sure as you are that ass will be yours if you step up to the plate to help out her friend, she won’t want anything to do with you when you have puke on your arms, shirt, pants, shoes and car. Which makes the whole night’s a big uneventful jerk off. I could’ve stayed home for that.
2. You’ll be so busy carrying said friend out the front doors that the gift bag people completely ignore you. WHAT ABOUT MY NEEDS DAMN IT?! I might’ve wanted/needed some facial moisturizing cream and stick of beef jerky… you just never know.
And the number 1 reason why it’s never a good idea to volunteer to help take care of the “drunk girl” at the club is…
You can’t hook up with the “drunk girl” unless you’re both so drunk, you don’t even realize that the other is probably passed out already, which means you probably won’t remember hooking up with her in the first place, which means even though you may have had some sex, you might not have, and you’ll have no idea either way cause you were too damn hammered to remember in the first place, and that just plain old sucks.

5. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
4. Did your parents ever try and leave you at the park
3. I can see your point, but I still think you’re full of shit.
2. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
1. I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
This is Lazlo, saying – if you wake up next to a girl and you have to check her pulse, you had a good night in my book.

5. “A few more beers and I might consider nailing you.”
4. “I am really into Women’s Issues. Not so much feminism, but I like chicks with problems” © Lou 1998. [Ed. Note: Amen brotha]
3. “Nice Shoes wanna fuck?”
2. “Are you retarded? ’cause I think you’re special.”
1. “Were your parents terrorists? ’cause you’re tits are da bomb.”

8. OPEN DRUG USE – It is one thing to go to the bathroom for a little pick me up, but if you really want to get them to kick you out, start shooting up at your desk, or better yet the conference room or your bosses office. This puts the company in a strange place. They do not want your dopy ass around anymore, but you are obviously a sick ass freak. But if they fire you the run the risk of you suing there ass for not getting you help. Can you say HUGE FUCKING SEVERENCE… I knew you could.
7. DEFECATE – Whether it is on the floor, on the walls, in the coffee pot, nothing says ”I really dislike you guys” like a corny log in someone Sanka. I will now pause for people to let that image sink in.
(pause)
6. THREATEN CO-WORKERS PETS – anyone can threaten your co-workers or their families, but that will just lead to a bench warrant or two. So with pet lovers, (why does it seem like I always working with semi-PETA fucks), the best way to get at them is through their breathing fuzz bucket. Start off by showing them pictures of dead and mutilated fluffy little kittens. Then Crank it up a notch by burning an effigy of a cat and tell them how much it looks like their precious hair ball.
5. WRITE FOR YOUR WEBPAGE – Seeing titles like ”Drunken Man Fucks Baby Squirrel… In The Ass” fly through the company email is not only a great way to get fired but it makes for a very uncomfortable room when facing the firing squad.
4. SLEEP AT WORK – I am not talking about a small cat nap here or there, all out full blown cot and pajamas sleep. Hell, bring an alarm clock so you know what time you need to get the hell out of there and go grab Margaritas and try to nail the girls in the secretary pool.
3. HONOR JEWISH HOLIDAYS INAPPROPRIATELY (an LA or NY special) – 2 words, ARM BAND, and I do not mean the little black arm band that Jacko wore when those monsters had the nerve to arrest him for sucking off a 12 year old cancer kid.
2. CELEBRATE: TAKE A HOOKER TO WORK DAY – Preferably on “Take Your Daughter to Work Day.”
1. COME TO WORK DRUNK – Wake at 5AM and eat no breakfast and immediately start dinking like it’s St. Paddy’s Day and your last name is O’Patensheh’an’fuck. You will need a ride into work, (late so people will take notice), and let the fun and games begin. If they do you not fire you after this, then you should be happy that you have such a cool job and shut the fuck up.

8. ”Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your personal lord and savior?” – Nothing against the great one (anyone who prefers wine over water is fine in my book), but his born against followers usually do not spread thigh meat. Not to say that they don’t, but you are better off going with the damaged goods, not the people trying to make up for all of the other people they fucked when they were smutty bang bang girls.
7. ”My Uncle used to let me sleep in his bed” – See this one can go both ways, but I have been with my fair share of the bruised and battered and I have come to this conclusion (and I know Lou will argue this to the grave with me); they are not worth it. If you get sex off them it will be amazing. It will also be the last thing that happens to you before she cuts you dick off and makes a smoothie out of it for you.
6. ”I have this strange rash” – Check please.
5. ”What is your friend’s name” – Ouch, nobody really wants to be the wingman. We do it out of some sort of guy code. Lou is a firm believer in not helping other guys get laid. It is like he believes that there are a finite amount of fucks in the universe and if you get a taste that is one less possibility for him. I am with him in this case though. The second she asks about your friend the appropriate response should be ”He’s Gay.”
4. ”Sure you can get me a drink. I’ll take a water” – Heard this one this weekend, I am trying to get this girl boozed up so I can flip her over and punish her, and she tells me she will have a water. Nobody is going to win here. She is going to be more sober and you are going to be less laid.
3. ”You are really great, I have to call my husband and tell him about you” – This happened to me 2 weeks ago. Fact: Guys do not look for wedding rings. Ladies if you are married and not up for a little romp outside of the relationship, you should wear a neon sign. Preferable over your cleavage. And I under no circumstances want to meet your boyfriend/husband. Frankly, I would like to get rid of some of the guy friends I have now, but I am a guy and have no idea how to do that.
2. ”I am the biggest tease” – This on happened to me last weekend as well. I thought at first that is was part of her game but she went on to talk about politics and how big of a Bush supporter she was and I could tell that she was not going to show me hers. She did end up making out with my boy Geoff which led to her saying this ”I want to fuck you so bad right now, but I can’t and I won’t.” Man was I glad I punted.
1. ”I read this disgusting web page the other day, Sorry I was drinking or something like that” – Ok, so this one has never happened to me before, but a guy can dream can’t he? Actually this would be a great situation. I would agree with her that the chauvinistic web page is written by a bunch of assholes who would probably never get laid blah blah and play that sympathy card into a hate fuck and make her feel really great about herself as old Laz gives her the high and hard.
So they you go. I am sure there are others, but I am a lazy drunk so F off.
This is Lazlo saying – I have this strange rash.

7. THEATENING HOAXES – Walk around with a water bottle full of strange colored liquid and ask an usher for a match and directions to the player entrance. Nuff Said
6. START A FIGHT – An oldie but a goodie. Toss a beer at a random stranger, kick a mom in the back of the head, say Nanny Nanny Poo Poo to anyone who looks at ya. This is the one area that we could take a lesson from our European hooligan brethren. They beat the living shit out of each other like it is the Source Awards. They take their shit serious over there and come prepared to get into a brawl. Soccer, the sport that sucks so bad, you’ll kick a skin head for entertainment.
5. BRING A HOOKER TO THE GAME – Nothing says “Sir, can you follow me” like fish nets and fuck me boots.
4. USE DRUGS – We they start passing sodas and hot dogs, ask for someone to hold your syringe as you reach for your wallet.
3. CHEER FOR THE LOSING TEAM – This actually almost happened to me. Snuck down to the front Row of the Cubs – Padres game with Lou on Saturday after they were up by forty or so runs. If there is one thing you do not want to see when your team is losing to my beloved Cubs is a drunk Lou and Laz. Because we had run out of horrible things to say about the Padres and their sisters and the game was so out of hand, we started Cheering for the Padres. Let me tell you, nothing will piss people off more then boozed out sarcasm, and we were laying it on think. It was like they came home and Laz was humping their pet cat while inviting OJ over for a Ginsu knife demo… AKA not good times. I can not recommend this enough.
2. START A FIGHT WITH A SENIOR CITIZEN – Another thing that actually happened. Grandpa must have been really pissed off that he spent 60 bucks and Lou and I snuck into the ballpark only to have our drunken asses singing Irish Shanties two rows in front of him. I calmly sat down behind him and asked if he would prefer to have me yelling behind him or sitting in front of him, where he can see me for the last several minutes of his lame ass life. He chooses option C which was to swat me with a program. I kicked his ass and stole his walker…BRING IT ON OLD MAN, LAZLO WILL GO THROUGH YOU LIKE GERITAL.
1. DRINK WITH RECKLESS ABANDON – This is always highly recommended by us when in public. It just makes life more interesting and people more interesting. Hell, it makes me strong and Lou good looking (did I just call Lou good looking?) [Ed. Note: Yes, you did.]
So there you go. Go out there and enjoy however much of the sporting experience you can handle before they toss your drunken ass out into the streets.
This is Lazlo saying……THREE STRIKES YOU’RE OUT

10. DRINKING TO COOL OFF – There are many reasons to drink (trust me on this I find a new one everyday), but drinking when you are parched is why drinking was invented. And few things are better then that ice cold intoxicating beverage on a hot as ball sack day. Those are the moments that you know the there is a god, and at that moment he probably has a cold one in her barcalounger in the sky.
9. DRINKIN ON THE GO – I know that sounds bad, but for once I am not talking about drinking and driving. During the summer people always seem to be headed here or there. If they are like me they are also polishing off a drink or as I like to call them “pain go bye-bye juice.” Being from the Midwest, pub crawls are brutal during the winter months. But summer means you can flip flop it from dry heave hole to dry heave hole.
8. DRINKING ON THE 4TH OF JULY – Nothing makes me feel more patriotic then getting sloshed and blowing up shit. Funny how patriotism and acting like a redneck go hand in hand.
7. DRINKING WITH GIRLS IN BIKINIS – Girls wearing hardly anything + Me Drinking + Me wearing sunglasses that hide my eyes = ME HAPPY.
6. DRINKING ON VACATION – Most of the known universe takes vacations during the summer. I seem to even though I have not had an official “Summer Break” in 6 years. And there is nothing like drinking in new places. I find it the best way to soak in the local culture.
5. DRINKING WHEN IN THE EVENING WHEN IT IS STILL LIGHT OUT – I hate the fact that I do not get out of work until 7 each night. It sucks Lou’s third Nipple. [Ed. Note: No one. And I mean NO ONE sucks my third nipple!] So when I trudge home after a long day of shoveling creative shit, I head straight for the cocktail dispenser (my fridge) and get something to calm my nerves. After I polish off the drink or so, I move away from the fridge and what is that I see coming in the window? The L.A. Sunset. God damn it feels good to be a gangster.
4. DRINKING BUDWEISER IN THE SUMMER. – If you know Laz you know that this is a staple. But somehow the rice and hops that have been given to us by the king himself just seems a little sweeter in the summer months.
3. DRINKING DURING CUBS GAMES. – Ah, the holiest of holiest events. I lost a relationship after a girlfriend witnessed my binge drinking during the 2003 playoffs and I would do it again in a heartbeat. Baseball sucks for a lot of reasons but if you do not enjoy have a beer at a baseball game on a nice summer day, then damn it you have no love in that black pit you call a heart.
2. DRINKING AT THE BEACH. – While I am not the biggest beachgoer in So Cal, I do loves me a cocktail by the ocean. Maybe I listened to too much Jimmy Buffet during my formative years, but with the waves in the background I swear my buzz seems a little more buzzy. Which leads us back to…
1. DRINKING WITH GIRLS IN BAKINIS. I swear, the invention of the bikini is up there with the Wheel and Born On Dating the side of beer bottles as the most innovative thing man has pooped out of his brain.
And with that…
I am headed to the bar.
Lazlo

10. Sombreros – What better way to sleep of a hangover then with a really big fucking hat? No one can see how blood shot your eyes are, and if it is big enough it can keep people at bay for your wrecked grain alkie breath.
9. Drunken Character Actors in Old Westerns – Where would the Danny Trejos of today be without “I have no idea what his name was but he had a big stash and played the drunk passed out in the sun in all of those John Wayne movies” guy of yesterday.
8. Futbol – I just think it is cute that people below the border are so into the NFL that they have a cute little nickname for it.
7. Mexican food – Nothing better or worse for a hangover or drunken stupor then Mexican food. If you have not had a Chulupa from an all night Taco Bell drive-in at 4:30 in the morning, you have not lived, Amigo.
6. Chicas – Latin Women: They drink, they fight, they fuck….they are Lazlo with an extra X chromosome. They cook for their man and they, unlike how Lou likes his women, have the meat in all the right places, so to speak. Mamacita, Lazlo likely.
5. TJ – There are no words that excite and strike fear in my liver like TJ. It is kinda like dating a girl that can drink more than you. It is not going to end well but the adventure is worth it. TJ is like the Vegas for hard core degenerate drunks with very little money. I will let Lou fill you in on all of the details but let me just say this one thing……if a stripper asks you if you want a special lap dance in TJ, make sure you are UP for it cause it will be memorable to say the least.
4. Budweiser – I just can not have a top ten list without the King.
3. Tequila – A friend of mine once described a drinking situation to me that is the best way I can describe drinking Tequila. He had been drinking rum all not in high quantities and then switched over to tequila for shot and lost the contents of his dinner lunch and about 3 days worth of breakfasts OVER (note I said over not on) a bar. He told me that he was Chillin’ on Captain Morgan’s yacht just sailing along, when he notices a dusty El Camino tearing ass on the shore swerving all over the place and hitting little old ladies with baby strollers everywhere he went. Sure enough it was Jose and there was no way that he was going to make it out of the water alive if Jose had anything to say about it. Next thing he knew the Captain had been tied up and Jose was forcing him to rape his sister. I will tell that story to my friends kid when he is 12.
2. Chicas – Lordy, they so nice I had to pick them twice.
1. Mexicans – Great people. Great culture. So, all you sorry ass drunks raise a glass of your favorite cerveza to the 51st state – VIVA MEXICO. Long may she wave.