Lazlo's Lists
Top Ten Things That Suck About Valentines Day
Feb 14th 2006
Sup Peeps, Laz and his black crusted heart here.
So, I do not have a girlfriend. I know it is a totally shock that a 300 pound drunken slob whose goal in life is to watch 24 hours of sports while consuming a barrel of whiskey and peeing in a glass in the corner Howard Hughes style has not found his Mrs. Right, but alas, I have not found that someone that will bring back the feeling to my genitals. So naturally, V Day (I prefer this moniker for the day because it supports the association to D Day) is like the anti Super Bowl for Laz. I fucking hate it and all of its essence. So with out further ado
Top Ten Things that Suck about Valentines Day
10. CHICKS RULE – 364 days a year they are nothing more then wet holes and the only time we want you around is when we want to stick pieces of ourselves inside parts you have and on this day we are supposed to treat you like a princess. In the words of the immortal Tom
Leykis, “The only reason to put a girl on a pedestal is to look up her skirt.”
9. YOU HAVE TO BUY ALL THIS SHIT AND THEY DON’T HAVE TO SUCKIE SUCKIE – Most time men and women have a little unwritten rule. If we pay for your dinner and listen to you babble about how unfair it is that Jenny at work gets all of the good Post-It notes because she brushes up against the supply boys cock and we at least get a handie at the end of the night. On V Day, it would be totally expectable for us to spend an ass load of money and end up on the wrong end of a cuddle stick.
8. MAKES CHICKS FAT – Candy + Dinner = Fat Ass. It is a simple time tested formula. Get ready for a couple weeks of sweat pants.
Top Ten Reasons Why It’s Never A Good Idea To Volunteer To Help Take Care Of The “Drunk Girl” At A Club
Aug 8th 2005
[Submitted by Captain Kitchen]
10. As sweet as you think girls are going to think you are, you’re missing some serious “quality” time with your friends Jack, Jose, Jim and one of the new kids at school, Seagram.
9. The bouncers get all aggressive with you like you just punched some dude in the face. Whoa whoa whoa tough guy, I’m just tryin’ to help. Why you have to come at me like a fat lady at a cookout? Chill.
8. You think you’re just gonna help get her outside, but then you find yourself standing alone in the middle of the dance floor while you’re friend the “vomit projectile machine” springs in to action.
7. Drunk girls like to puke on the way over to your car.
6. Drunk girls like to puke all in your car.
5. Drunk girls like to puke while getting out of your car.
4. Drunk girls like to puke all over YOU!
Lazlo’s Top Ten Things To Say To A Dumb Ass Co-Worker
Jul 26th 2005
Co-Workers – Can’t live with them, can’t drink them. We all work with/for stupid pieces of shit that suck major taint to Hell I work with more then a few, and to them I am probably a stupid piece of shit that sucks major taint (mmmmm taint). So the next time you are chatting up the little cutie from accounting whom you hope to score a night of drunken sex that she will regret for a long time, and some douche bag with no sense of smell comes by and tries to ask you about an email he sent you and if you have had the time to address it, say one of the following and let the good times roll.
10. How about never? Is never good for you?
9. You know I drive by your place on my way home, and in completely unrelated news I carry a gun.
8. I’m really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
7. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don’t give a damn.
6. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be…?
Lazlo’s Top Ten Pick Up Lines That Will Get You Slapped
Jul 12th 2005
Hey Kids,
Sorry for the lack of questionably funny shit lately, but when you live the life of a drunken sailor it is really hard to maintain a schedule. It’s summer and love is in the air (or in the fist for yours truly). So in honor of summer boning I give you the top ten pick up lines that will get you slapped. This one is dedicated to my co-worker Rosie, who has been perfecting some of these at bars for years
10. “I might not be the best looking guy here, but I’m the only one talking to you.”
9. “Is that a keg in your pants, ’cause I’d like to tap that ass!”
8. “Girl, you are definitely Hummer worthy, and by that I definitely do not mean the Truck”
7. “You wanna get a Pizza and Fuck?” SLAP “What, you don’t like Pizza?”
6. “Do you know the difference between a Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich and a BJ? No, well then would you like to go back to my place for a sandwich.”
Top Ten Things To Do If You Want To Get Fired
Jun 23rd 2005
So, my job really sucks today and I would like to quit, but for some reason I think it would be more fun to make them fire me. And it is with this mindset that I bring you this week’s list…
10. COME TO WORK WITHOUT SHOWERING – Really want to piss of those fuckers that make your mind melt with their stupidity. Work up a stench so bad that no one will be able to get near you. For a little extra kick, toss some rotting fish guts down your pants. As Yoda would say ”Laid, you will not get… But severance package, have you will.”
9. START PREACHING SCIENTOLOGY – Alright I’ll admit it, this one made the list solely because I hate Tom Cruise. I have avoided talking about it so far because it seems like everyone is doing it and even though I am Irish, I do not like beating people that are down. He is a pig fucker, plain and simple. It is kind of just amazing that we all have not noticed until now. It really tells you the power of these fuck ball celebrity’s PR Flacks. Good ones have you seeming like the all American boy who everyone ones to fuck their apple pie-assed daughters. Bad ones (or sisters, instead of good ones) have people counting the days until your movie tanks and hoping he moves to Santa Barbara and some Scientology hating DA plants kiddy porn in his IMAC. If there is a non alien-god out there, I would like use this forum to ask him to PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE let us find Tom Cruise dead in some seedy motel with a male hooker and a mound of Coke that he PERSONALLY, PERSONALLY just got off of. All kidding aside, I will buy beers if anyone shoots the guy in the head with something non liquid.
Lazlo’s Top Ten Things You Do Not Want To Hear A Chick Say In A Bar
Jun 16th 2005
Chatting up chicas in bars is always an interesting social experiment. Lazlo has heard many things come out of girls’ mouths. OK, that is a lie. I have been there and they have said stuff, but usually I am just staring at their fun bags. Here are the worst things you can hear come of a broad’s pie hole.
10. ”Let me tell you about my Ex” – There is no way this could end in anything but me listening to a pair of tits instead of slobbering all over them. The girl is obviously not in to you, and you run not walk to the closest whore house, cause off of this girl you are not getting shit.
9. ”The Pistons will cover the spread but there is no way they hit the over.” – No one is a bigger sports fan then me, and I love a chick that will watch/go to the game with me, but if she is in to it more then I am, SCARY. Also what the fuck am I going to bring to the conversation? It would be nice to nail her and then watch sports center together but experience tells me that you will be just watching Sports Center together and you will be pulling it alone.
Lazlo’s Top Ten Things That Will Get You Kicked Out Of A Ballpark
Jun 6th 2005
So the Cubs made their yearly West Cost swing last week, meaning my bank account and brain cell reserves are shot. Went to five games in seven days and decided to use what I have learned to help mankind. I can not comment on if I got removed from any stadium or stadium parking lots (court case pending) but here are a list of 10 things that will definitely get you kicked out of any ballpark worth its weight in peanut shells.
10. TAUNTING CHILDREN – Yeah, Yeah, they are cute and cuddly and shit, but if they are wearing the other colors I am on them like a gang banger at a swap meet. Nothing will alert the security to your drunken ass faster than making a few crumb crunchers bawl.
9. SEXUAL COMMENTS – It is one thing to cheer a team on, and it is another to tell the opposing players which position you had his mother in last night. One will show support to your team. They other will get you cut from the juice quicker then people hide there stash around Robert Downey Jr. For bonus points make your comment about homosexuality or bestiality.
8. PUBLIC URINATION – Whenever someone runs on to the field, how come they never take a leak? I mean with the long lines and all of the open green grass it would just seem logical that one time some drunk guy close to the action would hop the fence and start to relieve himself. The question then… would the cops let him finish or take him down?
SUBQUESTION – Would that be the mother of all times to get stage fright?