By: Sweepea
Tonight’s drink is the Long Island Iced Tea. I decide to give it a whirl with some co-workers at a dinner in Hollywood. I’m always nervous ordering a Long Island Iced Tea, because I’ve had my share of bad ones. So when I order it up I eye the bartender’s process very carefully. Wow, he’s using Jack Daniels instead of Coke to give it that tea color. Brilliant!
Drink #1: The substitution of more alcohol for soda is definitely a plus – and that goes for any drink. The Tea still goes down really smooth – and it tastes like a real iced tea. The guy’s an effing genius. More people from work are coming in and I spot one of my million bosses. I hide behind Tall Thomas. Not in the mood for business-small-talk-bullshit.
Tall Thomas notes my drink and I get a look of doubt. “You know what’s in that thing?” he asks me. Yes, and to prove it I order a second one, making the bartender smile. “You’re the smartest girl here,” he says. “You’re ordering the drink with the most alcohol!” I give a smug look back at Tall Thomas.
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BoozeQuest: The Long Island Iced Tea
BoozeQuest: The Bloody Mary
By: Sweepea
Tonight’s drink is going to be the Bloody Mary. I’m going to my friend Missy’s surprise birthday party in Hollywood and I thought I’d give the classic tomato juice mixture a try. I reach the restaurant with enough time to hit the bar before Missy arrives, and I order my first one. Strangely the bartender asks, “With salt?” and I pause. They all come with salt – and pepper, and celery salt. So, a bit confused, I say yes.
Drink #1: *cough cough* The bartender – although cute – made this Bloody Mary way too spicy. Lay off the Tabasco, my man! Not only that, but he took my salt request as putting salt on the rim. A third look and I realize he’s forgotten the celery stalk! Bad bartender! Bad!
Sweepea is not too happy a camper at this point. But I’m halfway back to my seat and deep into a throng of party people, so I attempt to try this Bloody Mary instead of fighting the crowd again. I sit with my friends and we chat as we wait for Missy’s grand entrance. A quick poll of the table confirms my confusion over putting salt on the rim of a Bloody Mary. No one’s ever seen it served this way before. Maybe it’s this place’s version of the cocktail, we rationalize. It’s actually quite good with the salted rim…but then again I could eat a whole salt lick by myself.
BoozeQuest: The Cape Cod
By: Sweepea
Since going to Bartending School, I realized that there are a lot of drinks out there that sound fantastic but I’ve never tried. So I’ve decided that for every night I go out I’ll dedicate the entire night to one drink. And thus each shall make up what will be dubbed thine Booze Quest.
Tonight’s drink is going to be the Cape Cod, which is simply vodka and cranberry juice. Lou and I go to see my friend’s band perform at this place in Santa Monica. It’s a wanna-be jazz club, decorated with red velvet curtains and huge black and white pictures of old stars. A little kitschy, but nice.
Drink #1: The waitress brings me my first drink and it’s rather pink – meaning there’s more vodka than cranberry. This bartender seems to know his stuff: get the customer drunk on the first one, and bring on the watered-down ones progressively. I know his game… Anyway, we’re sitting among friends and they’re talking about work and movies and things I’ve never seen or heard of. And I’m really thirsty, so I finish the Cape Cod quickly and order another.
Bartending 101: Exam Results!
By: Sweepea
So did I pass the test? I needed to get a 90% or more. I know you’ve all been waiting with anticipation, so here’s the conclusion…
Well, I finish taking the Bartending written exam and take the papers to Betty, who seems pretty proud of herself. I mean, here I have taken Graduate-level courses in college and was never this stressed. But I must look pretty nervous because she says, “So how’d you do?” with a big smug grin on her face.
“You tell me,” I say, and I hear the woo-ee-oo tones from the movie “High Noon” ringing in my head.
She gets out her red pen, and I sit and watch her correct my test. Check, check, check… Hey look at that, I got one right… check, check, check…
Bartending 101: Mid-Term Exam – The Test!
By: Sweepea
I decided a while ago that I was going to take the written exam. Well, I did as much “research” as I could (step 1 of The Plan) and also procrastinated as long as I could (step 2 of The Plan). So now it was time to face the inevitable tunes.
I don’t want to fail in front of a bunch of people, so I leave work early and drive to the school. Against my plan, four other people are there, including a guy from my class (a huge basketball player-slash-college student).
“Hey,” I say. “You testing today too?”
“At this very moment,” he says.
“How’s it going?” I ask, seeing that he’s still working on the first page.
He groans and shakes his head as an answer. I’m feeling even less confident now.
Bartending 101: Mid-Term Exam Preparation
By: Sweepea
I decide that I’m going to take the written exam. Yeah, before that whole “12 drinks in seven minutes” practical exam, you have to pass the written exam – which I am told usually takes around 2 hours to complete and is a complete bitch.
I interrogate Betty all week about what the test is like. She says you have to get a 90% to pass the test, and that she has seven different versions of it. More importantly, no one is allowed to take the test home, whether they pass or fail it. Damn, no chance of getting an underground photocopy. There goes Plan A.
Plan B begins to take shape. First I must keep grilling Betty about what’s on the exam. I get out of her that the first part is recipes, where you have to write out complete ingredients for 36 – yes, thirty-six – drinks. Down to the ounce. If you get anything wrong – even a stupid garnish, it’s a point off. The next section is glassware identification, which should be no problem – I’ve been using the glasses the whole time. But then there’s Liquor Dictionary. Not only do we have to identify alcohol types based on brand names, but ingredients and how to make the stuff.
Bartending 101: Pass the Poseur
By: Sweepea
Back at Bartending School, Betty lets us know that the latest trends can change the popularity of drinks ordered. Apparently whenever a new song or TV show highlights a particular drink or alcohol, people flock to it, most of the time not even knowing what the heck they’re ordering.
For example, before you go all Snoop Dogg at the bar and order a gin and juice, you might want to decide what juice you’ll be wanting with your gin. Apparently when posed this question many wanna-bes acquire a vacant expression on their face. Snoop Dogg was not specific, but you need to be. Suggested juices that go well with gin are cranberry or grapefruit juice.
Women who watched “Sex and the City” not only started ordering more martinis (especially Cosmos), but Manhattans. And most were ordered without the knowledge that Manhattans have whiskey in them – a lot of whiskey. If you want to order the trendy Manhattan but not end up puking at the taste, try a Soco Manhattan. The Southern Comfort has a sweeter taste that is easier for a non-whiskey drinker to endure. And you’ll still have that cute cherry garnish, don’t worry.
For those of you who’d like to “Pass the Courvoisier,” Busta Rhyme with a Baby Doll: it’s got Courvoisier, Grand Marnier, and a splash of lemon juice, served in a sugar-rimmed cocktail glass. For something more manly-sounding, try a Georgia: same drink on the rocks, without the girly sugar rim.
Cheers!
Bartending 101 (Not Really): Dumpster Drama
By: Sweepea
So I had this absolutely brilliant piece written that outlined my complete genius in becoming a bartender. It was inspiring, stimulating, and breathtaking, and I guarantee that there would’ve been a tear in your eye by the end. But then my stupid work computer crashed and the doc was lost. Okay, maybe I shouldn’t have been doing this stuff at work, but that’s really not the point. The point is that with the SIGD offices closed the past week I really had no motivation to write it all over again. So now you’re stuck with this.
Bartending 101: Don’t F With The Bartender
By: Sweepea
Today in class we learn about basic customer service. What I really learn is…
Don’t Fuck with the Bartender
There are a lot of ways to make a bartender do “tricks” when you order. But beware: bartenders are taught to get even. If you ask for a Cuba Libre NFL-style*, expect a watered-down drink and a lot less attention.
After Betty talks to us about how the customer is always right and good service means good tips blah blah blah, she talks about ways bartenders can mess with the customers when they’re pissing you off.
She starts by showing us how to make it look like you are pouring heavy when you’re actually not pouring much at all. All the bartender has to do is put their finger over the pour hole and touch the tip to the glass. It looks like alcohol is coming out of the bottle, when it’s just the glass image distorted through the ice.
Bartending 101: Alcohol On The Brain
By: Sweepea
All I can think about is alcohol. It’s Saturday night and I am going out for a much-needed Girls’ Night. But all I can think of are drinks based on the color of my friends’ outfits. Gina is wearing pink, so naturally I think of a Pink Lady; Ali’s in a brown halter, so I think of a Dirty Mother. And Ali doesn’t even have kids.
We go to the Liquid Kitty and sit in a corner booth. Loud but slow acid jazz is blaring. I should be relaxing and enjoying the time with my friends. But looking over at the bar, I feel like I’m in an office supply store. It affects me as much as looking at a row of file folders. I’m seeing the bar the way it is in the classroom; it all looks like colored water to me. I can smell the food-coloring and paint. None of it looks appetizing.
