Ah, San Diego, she is a powerful mistress. Living in LA is great, but seeing as I do not drive a Porsche, (more like Prelude), or look like Fabio, (more like Kevin James), women are very tricky to get in this town. Seeing as I have to rely on things other than my Hills pad and a mountain of coke, (1 out of 2 is not bad), I am forced to rely on charm. Sometimes I just do not have the energy to deal with all of the bullshit that comes with trying to date in LA. So that is when I take a trip to our bitchin’ little cousin city to the south, San Diego. San Diego is like the really hot friend of a supermodel who doesn’t get what the big deal is about her friend. And get this; you can talk to girls there without feeling like you should apologize for wasting their time when you are done. Plus most of them are really good looking. I keep thinking back to Eli Manning getting picked by the Chargers in the 2004 draft and then refusing to go there. If I am a 22 year old guy and you want to PAY me millions of dollars to go to some place with hot, cool chicks and great weather year round, I would bypass the post draft interviews quicker then Ricky Williams trying to find a lighter at a reggae festival and head straight for PB Beach Bar and start picking up chicks in bikini tops and sandals.
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The Lazlo Ponders Life’s Most Important Questions Series Presents: Stay Classy Maloney’s
Lazlo Scoops Rides Again: Halo Sells
After being the ass end of the joke when they sent out the script with high demands on Monday, it looks like those nihilists at CAA and Microsoft will have the last laugh. Lazlo’s spies tell me that Fox and Universal are working out a deal to buy Halo for $5 million; split costs. It is about half of what they were asking for on Monday, but it is more coin then our drunks asses will ever see. The movie should be in theaters by 2007.
Your loyal soldier,
Lazlo
The Lazlo Ponders Life’s Most Important Questions Series Presents: Stopping Short Of Drunkiness
Take me out to the bar stool
Take me out to the pub
By me a pint of P B R… You get the idea
If you ever head to Dodger Stadium to watch a game or a stabbing or such, you should give yourself a couple of hours and head to THE SHORT STOP on Sunset Blvd. before the game. It is a bar that used to be a cop bar (boooo) and is now a bar for East Hollywood Tattooed Hipsters (yeahhh). Old Laz had mixed feelings about the place when I walked in. But then I saw the most beautiful thing I have ever laid my bloodshot eyes upon. Then the tatted up hottie pouring beers moved to the side and I saw an even more beautiful thing – $1 PINT DRAFTS. You don’t understand, finding $1 drafts in LA makes you feel like Indiana Jones without the hat and whip. I order up a round for my friends (5 bucks) and we nestled in for an afternoon of dinking dirt cheap and trucker hat trendy beer.
Lazlo’s Top Ten Things That Will Get You Kicked Out Of A Ballpark
So the Cubs made their yearly West Cost swing last week, meaning my bank account and brain cell reserves are shot. Went to five games in seven days and decided to use what I have learned to help mankind. I can not comment on if I got removed from any stadium or stadium parking lots (court case pending) but here are a list of 10 things that will definitely get you kicked out of any ballpark worth its weight in peanut shells.
10. TAUNTING CHILDREN – Yeah, Yeah, they are cute and cuddly and shit, but if they are wearing the other colors I am on them like a gang banger at a swap meet. Nothing will alert the security to your drunken ass faster than making a few crumb crunchers bawl.
9. SEXUAL COMMENTS – It is one thing to cheer a team on, and it is another to tell the opposing players which position you had his mother in last night. One will show support to your team. They other will get you cut from the juice quicker then people hide there stash around Robert Downey Jr. For bonus points make your comment about homosexuality or bestiality.
8. PUBLIC URINATION – Whenever someone runs on to the field, how come they never take a leak? I mean with the long lines and all of the open green grass it would just seem logical that one time some drunk guy close to the action would hop the fence and start to relieve himself. The question then… would the cops let him finish or take him down?
SUBQUESTION – Would that be the mother of all times to get stage fright?
The Lazlo Ponders Life’s Most Important Questions Series Presents: Man On A Mission
Monday, May 30, 2005 10:07 AM
So, I guess being hung over is sort of how I am going to start a lot of these things, but today is kind of a special one. I spent last night terrorizing the streets of San Fran with my old drinking buddy K Dog. He was sans wife and I was sans sanity but that write-up will come later. So like the good little brainwashed traveler that I am, I show up really early for my flight and find myself at the Mission Bar with time to spare and brain cells to kill. I tear through 3 bloodys like a man on a mission and decided that this may be the worst airport bar in the history of inebriated travel. The drinks are high on price and low on both booze and flavor and they are served by a bartender named Chen that speaks no English and does not even attempt to rebuff my conversation. Dude’s job consists of getting me high and listening to me ramble while high and he can not do either with any grace. I debate in my head for a while if it is fair to judge a bar by my experience at said bar at 9 AM on a Monday and come to this conclusion:
The Lazlo Ponders Life’s Most Important Questions Series Presents: Drinking With The Duke
Saturday, May 28, 2005 4:06 PM
Airports suck. Hangovers suck. Together, lethal.
The only thing that can improve either of these things is booze. I find myself today at the Orange Bar And Grill at the John Wayne Intl airport. The Duke is somewhat of a hero of mine. Not because of his movies or such, but because he was a man. The kinda man who wasn’t afraid to wave a gun around or threaten an actor who was dating his daughter because he was “A Commie.” He is the kinda guy I try to be when I am sloshed. The difference is I come of like an asshole when the duke comes off like an icon. Something about boots and filling and me not.
Lazlo’s Top Ten Reasons That Summer Kicks Ass
Because of that damn hot Carl’s Jr. ad, I have found myself humming I LOVE PARIS IN THE SUMMER all of the freaking time the last couple of days. I also found myself in the midst of some self-love, but who hasn’t. But today after I pulled my pants up and cleaned myself off, I found myself thinking about summer. The weather outside has been hotter then the dream I had one time where I was doing Jessica Alba from behind when her head fell off and she turned into, uh huh yeah you probably do not want to hear where it went from there. So in honor of the solstice, I give you
THE TOP TEN REASONS SUMMER KICKS ASS
But because this is SorryIGotDrunk.com, what I am really bringing you is…
THE TOP TEN REASONS DRINKING IN THE SUMMER KICKS ASS
The Lazlo Ponders Life’s Most Important Questions Series Presents: Where Should I Get Drunk? Part One
Where everybody knows your name.
Maybe.
Where you are always glad you came.
Sometimes, but not always.
But the spot that you choose to drink is second only to your choice of drug in the battle against sobriety. Natch, (for the one and only Lou), you want a place that has that right blend of what the French call “Fuck the Americans.” Man do those Froggy bastards have a way with words. My Mom once told me that life is about the journey not the destination. My Dad once told me to “SHUT THE FUCK UP AND DRINK YOUR BEER.” Although my parents have been miserable for years with each other I feel that between these two pearls must be the secret to a happy life.
I, Lazlo, have dedicated my life to the Journey of Drinking. And because location is an important part of said Journey, I will be hitting up wet holes (some people prefer watering holes, I prefer wet) in my area (and yours if you are lucky) and judging them like the little Catholic School girls they are for the benefit of mankind and the detriment to the evil brain cells.
Lazlo’s Top Ten Favorite Things About Mexico
Ah, our crazy step brothers to the south. Of all of the “People of the Sauce,” (Lazlo’s way of categorizing his favorite historically drinking races), I would have to say that the Mexican people are a close 2nd to my own half heritage, the Irish. And living in Los Angelexico, I can not help but love a culture so rich in drunkenness that the (WARNING: totally made up Lazlo fact) Aztec were the first people to have a word for sloshed. The people of Mexico have given us so much in the way a nebriation that I feel the need to honor them with an outwardly drunken dance……..ah maybe I will save that for when I get off of work. Until then I will honor the proud people of Mexico with:
LAZLO’S TOP TEN FAVORITE THINGS ABOUT MEXICO
