Lazlo
https://twitter.com/LazloDrunk
Homepage: http://sorryigotdrunk.com
Posts by Lazlo
Fat And Drunk Is No Way To Go Through Sundance
Jan 22nd 2006
Read Lazlo’s Entire Account Here
Jan 22, 2006 10:19 AM – But it has worked well for Harvey Weinstein. So it is fucking cold up in this piece. Having lived in Southern Cali for the last 6 years you forgot that the cold, especially mountain cold, is sobering. Which sucks billy goat balls. So for film folk, Spring Break doesn’t end with college graduation, it just moved to Park City and got higher end sponsors. This place is nuttier then Flava Flav at a “white women who love cracked out black men” convention.
I stayed sober long enough to see one movie yesterday, a Paul Giamatti flick called A HAWK IS DYING. It is the tale of a man and his hawk and the bond they form after the death of the man’s nephew. I wish that last sentence was a joke but it is so not. I will now directly address Mr. Giamatti:
Paul, we get it. You are a good actor. Probably one of the bests for your archetype in the game today. But if you don’t get your head out of your ass and make fun movies instead of this depressing man love animal shit, I will cut you. Make me laugh clown.
Guess what? After that depressing piece of bird shit, I needed a drink, and several. Went to a little watering whole on Main Street called Cicero’s and erased all the crap indie film from my mind. After a little din din and some nasal congestor medicine, it was into the belly of the beast. We went to the Motorola party and Lazlo proceeded to put a huge fuckin’ dent in their supply of Jack Daniel’s. The placed was insanely packed, as all of these things are. After about my 800th Jack and Coke and coke, I look next to me and Sting was having a conversation with Kevin Sorbo. Normally I would chalk seeing that up to an acid flashback from my hippie days, but seeing shit like this is what Sundance is all about.
Bout 4am, I could not see straight so I figured that was my cue to leave. That is when the funniest thing happened. Walking down an empty Main Street, a black SUV screeches to a hault and a stick thin blond somersaults out and stumbles to the door of the party. The door guy stops her and tells her to wait at the front entrance. She replied “I am Paris Hilton, the biggest celebrity at Sundance.” I proceed to fall down laughing, much to the delight of the door guy, and mockingly repeat her line as I went upon my merry way. Funny, cause I would have assumed she would have no problem with going backdoor.
Off to get drunk and watch football on the company dime while I should be seeing movies.
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Park City Bitch Slap
Jan 21st 2006
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Jan 21, 2006 10:11 AM – That John Denver was full of shit. On the flight up yesterday, I sustained myself on Jack and Coke and coke. It was about 8 hours from the time I arrived at LAX until I land in the Salty Lakey City. I am fully tossed by the time I arrive and I am no help to the retard driving my shuttle in finding my condo. I get in about 45 minutes late so I lay my bags inside and head out to a party being held on main street by International Creative Management. The only person of note in attendance is Guy Pierce who is sufficiently fucked up. I down a couple of Jack and Cokes and head to the bathroom for others. The party winds down and we stumble back to my boys condo with a few chicks and make with the love.
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Sundance? Hell, I Was Lucky To Sunstumble
Jan 20th 2006
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Sup Kids, Laz Here…
So my company is sending my warm weather loving ass to Park City UT because I have fooled them into thinking that I am a Hollywood big shot and not the fucked up drunk that I truly am. So I have packed my suitcase full of bottles of hooch and I am catching the first Delta piece of shit flying contraption and heading North to Hollywood Mormon country. Think of the potential. I may get myself married several times. I may beat me up some gays.* I may get into a drunken brawl with members of the Youth Nazi Society aka CAA agents. I make steal a car and take off Bandit style and take out Harvey Weinstein and wake up in prison with many wives. Whatever happens, there is one thing I know… I will be Drunk. Very Very Drunk.
Stay Tuned…
* This comment was made, not as a reflection of the way that Lazlo feels about homosexuals, but as a reflection of current news events that have shown that some people from this mountainous region have the wrong attitude towards those of the same sex ilk that is less than honorable. Me.. I love the gays. Can’t get enough of them. They make me laugh. Hell, if it wasn’t for the fact that nothing about man ass turns me on, I would totally be gay.
Thanksgiving In Paradise: Journey Into The Drunk Bliss – Day 1
Dec 9th 2005
By: Lazlo
PRE-TRIP THOUGHTS
So, free flight to Hawaii, some people’s thoughts would be:
1. Chance for a relaxing time on a topical island.
2. Chance to take in a Luau and learn important cultural lessons.
3. Chance to relax and feel cool pacific breezes on beautiful secluded beaches.
Well, I gave up being pussifed when my last girlfriend put up her profile on J – Date (she was Catholic) so Lazlo’s thoughts (and what better way to start off one of these then referring to one’s self in the third person) are:
1. New place to get off of my rocker drunk.
2. An international island must know how fun/bullish I can be after 4 beer bongs and 12 shots of motor oil.
3. Slight (read: Large) chance of a hooker being involved in some fashion.
4. Spending a night in jail cells very likely.
Translation: HELL FUCK SHIT YEAH.
The Lazlo Ponders Life’s Most Important Questions Series Presents: Just A Backstage Kind Of Lazlo
Nov 18th 2005
Sup Booze heads…
So I have not written one of this bar review type things in a while. It was not because I had stopped drinking/died (I always tend to lump these things together) but it is due to the fact that lately I have found myself blind drunk on my coach and not suitable for public consumption. My sincerest apologies/fuck off.
Finding yourself sober in Beverly Hills is a bitch. Hell, finding yourself in Beverly Hills without pitchforks to stab the eyes of the rich is a drag, but I progress. Stu Copland, who managed the Police (kick ass) and Bangles (yicks) owns the downiest outest little bar off of the Rodeo. THE BACKSTAGE CAFE, with its Gold Records and rock paraphernalia lined walls has a pimp/cafe vibe to it which makes it one of the only places I can wet my beak in Beverly Hills that does not make me want to puke on a Botoxed lady wearing a mink.
Top Ten Reasons Why It’s Never A Good Idea To Volunteer To Help Take Care Of The “Drunk Girl” At A Club
Aug 8th 2005
[Submitted by Captain Kitchen]
10. As sweet as you think girls are going to think you are, you’re missing some serious “quality” time with your friends Jack, Jose, Jim and one of the new kids at school, Seagram.
9. The bouncers get all aggressive with you like you just punched some dude in the face. Whoa whoa whoa tough guy, I’m just tryin’ to help. Why you have to come at me like a fat lady at a cookout? Chill.
8. You think you’re just gonna help get her outside, but then you find yourself standing alone in the middle of the dance floor while you’re friend the “vomit projectile machine” springs in to action.
7. Drunk girls like to puke on the way over to your car.
6. Drunk girls like to puke all in your car.
5. Drunk girls like to puke while getting out of your car.
4. Drunk girls like to puke all over YOU!
Lazlo The Jet Set Drunk Rides His Trusty Clydesdale Back In Search Of The Great American Geek: Chi Town Edition: UPDATED SATURDAY 12:47 PM
Aug 6th 2005
[Ed.Note: Not that it really matters, but either Lazlo has stepped into another plane of existence, (which is entirely possible), or the times on all these posts are screwed up in his Blackberry. Not that it really matters, but according to this, he was at a bar at 5AM and his latest post is at 9PM tonight and I'm writing this at 3PM Illinois time, so take it for what it is... Drunk Standard Time]
Aug 4, 2005 1:55 PM – So, my last adventure must have struck a cord with somebody in my front office because they decided to unleash old Lazlo at another convention. This time they have sent me to my kind of town. That’s right, the one and only Chicago. So what better way to remind myself of all of the trouble I get into in my hometown, then to liveblog it so that all three of our loyally Sorry Drunk readers can join in the fun. Off I go to LAX, with hopefully enough time to get hammered before my flight.
2:36 PM – Two shots of Jack and a Budweieser chaser at Generic LAX Bar #895 and I am forced to run to my flight. I’m flying Southwest so I can not wait to dig into my spam casserole dinner with Old English wash down. Bring on the tube tops and aqua net, Lazlo is in the house.
9:41 PM – Just saw a couple of signs for Southwest’s new slogans… Southwest: We are the New Jersey of airlines… Southwest: If your gums don’t bleed, you are on the wrong line… Southwest: No shoes, No shirt, No problem… Southwest: Welcome back Lazlo, you’re usual table?
10:22 PM – 150 trailer trash fucks and 3 pieces of checked luggage. Somebody just jammed a Datsun RX in the overheard bin. God bless dirt poor America.
Aug 5, 2005 1:30 AM – New slogan. Southwest: We suck so bad we fuck up a bloody mary. Kansas city smells like dog vagina.