By: Lazlo
PRE-TRIP THOUGHTS
So, free flight to Hawaii, some people’s thoughts would be:
1. Chance for a relaxing time on a topical island.
2. Chance to take in a Luau and learn important cultural lessons.
3. Chance to relax and feel cool pacific breezes on beautiful secluded beaches.
Well, I gave up being pussifed when my last girlfriend put up her profile on J – Date (she was Catholic) so Lazlo’s thoughts (and what better way to start off one of these then referring to one’s self in the third person) are:
1. New place to get off of my rocker drunk.
2. An international island must know how fun/bullish I can be after 4 beer bongs and 12 shots of motor oil.
3. Slight (read: Large) chance of a hooker being involved in some fashion.
4. Spending a night in jail cells very likely.
Translation: HELL FUCK SHIT YEAH.
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The Lazlo Ponders Life’s Most Important Questions Series Presents: Just A Backstage Kind Of Lazlo
Sup Booze heads…
So I have not written one of this bar review type things in a while. It was not because I had stopped drinking/died (I always tend to lump these things together) but it is due to the fact that lately I have found myself blind drunk on my coach and not suitable for public consumption. My sincerest apologies/fuck off.
Finding yourself sober in Beverly Hills is a bitch. Hell, finding yourself in Beverly Hills without pitchforks to stab the eyes of the rich is a drag, but I progress. Stu Copland, who managed the Police (kick ass) and Bangles (yicks) owns the downiest outest little bar off of the Rodeo. THE BACKSTAGE CAFE, with its Gold Records and rock paraphernalia lined walls has a pimp/cafe vibe to it which makes it one of the only places I can wet my beak in Beverly Hills that does not make me want to puke on a Botoxed lady wearing a mink.
Top Ten Reasons Why It’s Never A Good Idea To Volunteer To Help Take Care Of The “Drunk Girl” At A Club
[Submitted by Captain Kitchen]
10. As sweet as you think girls are going to think you are, you’re missing some serious “quality” time with your friends Jack, Jose, Jim and one of the new kids at school, Seagram.
9. The bouncers get all aggressive with you like you just punched some dude in the face. Whoa whoa whoa tough guy, I’m just tryin’ to help. Why you have to come at me like a fat lady at a cookout? Chill.
8. You think you’re just gonna help get her outside, but then you find yourself standing alone in the middle of the dance floor while you’re friend the “vomit projectile machine” springs in to action.
7. Drunk girls like to puke on the way over to your car.
6. Drunk girls like to puke all in your car.
5. Drunk girls like to puke while getting out of your car.
4. Drunk girls like to puke all over YOU!
Lazlo The Jet Set Drunk Rides His Trusty Clydesdale Back In Search Of The Great American Geek: Chi Town Edition: UPDATED SATURDAY 12:47 PM
[Ed.Note: Not that it really matters, but either Lazlo has stepped into another plane of existence, (which is entirely possible), or the times on all these posts are screwed up in his Blackberry. Not that it really matters, but according to this, he was at a bar at 5AM and his latest post is at 9PM tonight and I'm writing this at 3PM Illinois time, so take it for what it is... Drunk Standard Time]
Aug 4, 2005 1:55 PM – So, my last adventure must have struck a cord with somebody in my front office because they decided to unleash old Lazlo at another convention. This time they have sent me to my kind of town. That’s right, the one and only Chicago. So what better way to remind myself of all of the trouble I get into in my hometown, then to liveblog it so that all three of our loyally Sorry Drunk readers can join in the fun. Off I go to LAX, with hopefully enough time to get hammered before my flight.
2:36 PM – Two shots of Jack and a Budweieser chaser at Generic LAX Bar #895 and I am forced to run to my flight. I’m flying Southwest so I can not wait to dig into my spam casserole dinner with Old English wash down. Bring on the tube tops and aqua net, Lazlo is in the house.
9:41 PM – Just saw a couple of signs for Southwest’s new slogans… Southwest: We are the New Jersey of airlines… Southwest: If your gums don’t bleed, you are on the wrong line… Southwest: No shoes, No shirt, No problem… Southwest: Welcome back Lazlo, you’re usual table?
10:22 PM – 150 trailer trash fucks and 3 pieces of checked luggage. Somebody just jammed a Datsun RX in the overheard bin. God bless dirt poor America.
Aug 5, 2005 1:30 AM – New slogan. Southwest: We suck so bad we fuck up a bloody mary. Kansas city smells like dog vagina.
Lazlo’s Top Ten Things To Say To A Dumb Ass Co-Worker
Co-Workers – Can’t live with them, can’t drink them. We all work with/for stupid pieces of shit that suck major taint to Hell I work with more then a few, and to them I am probably a stupid piece of shit that sucks major taint (mmmmm taint). So the next time you are chatting up the little cutie from accounting whom you hope to score a night of drunken sex that she will regret for a long time, and some douche bag with no sense of smell comes by and tries to ask you about an email he sent you and if you have had the time to address it, say one of the following and let the good times roll.
10. How about never? Is never good for you?
9. You know I drive by your place on my way home, and in completely unrelated news I carry a gun.
8. I’m really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
7. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don’t give a damn.
6. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be…?
Lazlo’s Top Ten Pick Up Lines That Will Get You Slapped
Hey Kids,
Sorry for the lack of questionably funny shit lately, but when you live the life of a drunken sailor it is really hard to maintain a schedule. It’s summer and love is in the air (or in the fist for yours truly). So in honor of summer boning I give you the top ten pick up lines that will get you slapped. This one is dedicated to my co-worker Rosie, who has been perfecting some of these at bars for years
10. “I might not be the best looking guy here, but I’m the only one talking to you.”
9. “Is that a keg in your pants, ’cause I’d like to tap that ass!”
8. “Girl, you are definitely Hummer worthy, and by that I definitely do not mean the Truck”
7. “You wanna get a Pizza and Fuck?” SLAP “What, you don’t like Pizza?”
6. “Do you know the difference between a Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich and a BJ? No, well then would you like to go back to my place for a sandwich.”
The Lazlo Ponders Life’s Most Important Questions Series Presents: The Times They Are A’Irish
I know it’s a little against the spirit of these things, but the last two weeks I have been reviewing my favorite bars instead of trying new places to get my shit right and liquored. But, to us drunks, our watering holes are like our teams; we are with them thick and thin. I would call my favorite bar a member of my family, but that would mean I wouldn’t call them back and hate their kids.
So, I find myself sitting in one of the better Gin Joints in LA, THE IRISH TIMES. This West LA suds guzzler is both neighborhood bar and hip yet not too trendy pad where you can belly up to the bar and pound Guinness after Guinness while bullshitting with the locals or jam out to some cover band that sounds like a less annoying version of The Cranberries. The food is, well, it’s Irish food. Irish food is the fat chick of the culinary world. They both get the job done but nobody, with the exception of Lou, is really happy with themselves when the deal is done.
Top Ten Things To Do If You Want To Get Fired
So, my job really sucks today and I would like to quit, but for some reason I think it would be more fun to make them fire me. And it is with this mindset that I bring you this week’s list…
10. COME TO WORK WITHOUT SHOWERING – Really want to piss of those fuckers that make your mind melt with their stupidity. Work up a stench so bad that no one will be able to get near you. For a little extra kick, toss some rotting fish guts down your pants. As Yoda would say ”Laid, you will not get… But severance package, have you will.”
9. START PREACHING SCIENTOLOGY – Alright I’ll admit it, this one made the list solely because I hate Tom Cruise. I have avoided talking about it so far because it seems like everyone is doing it and even though I am Irish, I do not like beating people that are down. He is a pig fucker, plain and simple. It is kind of just amazing that we all have not noticed until now. It really tells you the power of these fuck ball celebrity’s PR Flacks. Good ones have you seeming like the all American boy who everyone ones to fuck their apple pie-assed daughters. Bad ones (or sisters, instead of good ones) have people counting the days until your movie tanks and hoping he moves to Santa Barbara and some Scientology hating DA plants kiddy porn in his IMAC. If there is a non alien-god out there, I would like use this forum to ask him to PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE let us find Tom Cruise dead in some seedy motel with a male hooker and a mound of Coke that he PERSONALLY, PERSONALLY just got off of. All kidding aside, I will buy beers if anyone shoots the guy in the head with something non liquid.
The Lazlo Ponders Life’s Most Important Questions Series Presents: Bean Town Baby
Ah the Beanery. Legendary West Hollywood drinking establishment, Barney’s Beanery is kind of like an old girlfriend of mine, a fucking great time with the possibility the night may result in an arrest of some sort. I have been happily single for the past year or so and in that time I have found myself hanging out at this little gem quite a bit. Hell, in a whiskey induced haze last summer I tried to drag Lou over the patio railing cause he didn’t call me back or some pussy shit like that (I think I was on my man-period or something and Lou was gracious enough to accept my SorryIGotDrunk olive branch of Golden Tee and pitchers at the scene of the crime the next day. Like I said, great fucking time. The decor is straight out of a Hazzard repair garage. Keep in mind this place is in the heart of West Hollywood with bars called SPIKE, TRUNKS and COME GET DICK HERE (ok, I made that last one up) so what is essentially a rough and tumble biker bar (at least the Southern Cali version of one) is a nice change of pace. I will not go so far as to say that I support the sign that used to reside at the entrance pronouncing NO FAGS ALLOWED. People are not “doing drinks” at Barneys, they are tossing back little brain cell assassins quicker then Tom Cruise can take a bride.
Lazlo’s Top Ten Things You Do Not Want To Hear A Chick Say In A Bar
Chatting up chicas in bars is always an interesting social experiment. Lazlo has heard many things come out of girls’ mouths. OK, that is a lie. I have been there and they have said stuff, but usually I am just staring at their fun bags. Here are the worst things you can hear come of a broad’s pie hole.
10. ”Let me tell you about my Ex” – There is no way this could end in anything but me listening to a pair of tits instead of slobbering all over them. The girl is obviously not in to you, and you run not walk to the closest whore house, cause off of this girl you are not getting shit.
9. ”The Pistons will cover the spread but there is no way they hit the over.” – No one is a bigger sports fan then me, and I love a chick that will watch/go to the game with me, but if she is in to it more then I am, SCARY. Also what the fuck am I going to bring to the conversation? It would be nice to nail her and then watch sports center together but experience tells me that you will be just watching Sports Center together and you will be pulling it alone.
