Sup Peeps, Laz and his black crusted heart here.
So, I do not have a girlfriend. I know it is a totally shock that a 300 pound drunken slob whose goal in life is to watch 24 hours of sports while consuming a barrel of whiskey and peeing in a glass in the corner Howard Hughes style has not found his Mrs. Right, but alas, I have not found that someone that will bring back the feeling to my genitals. So naturally, V Day (I prefer this moniker for the day because it supports the association to D Day) is like the anti Super Bowl for Laz. I fucking hate it and all of its essence. So with out further ado
Top Ten Things that Suck about Valentines Day
10. CHICKS RULE – 364 days a year they are nothing more then wet holes and the only time we want you around is when we want to stick pieces of ourselves inside parts you have and on this day we are supposed to treat you like a princess. In the words of the immortal Tom
Leykis, “The only reason to put a girl on a pedestal is to look up her skirt.”
9. YOU HAVE TO BUY ALL THIS SHIT AND THEY DON’T HAVE TO SUCKIE SUCKIE – Most time men and women have a little unwritten rule. If we pay for your dinner and listen to you babble about how unfair it is that Jenny at work gets all of the good Post-It notes because she brushes up against the supply boys cock and we at least get a handie at the end of the night. On V Day, it would be totally expectable for us to spend an ass load of money and end up on the wrong end of a cuddle stick.
8. MAKES CHICKS FAT – Candy + Dinner = Fat Ass. It is a simple time tested formula. Get ready for a couple weeks of sweat pants.

7. BOOZE NOT CENTRAL – This one sucks big ole floppy donkey dick. I like wine more then most, but it is bad form to get sloppy drunk on your valentines date. Course drinking from a warm bottle of Jack Daniels that calls my nightstand home is probably bad form as well but the has never stopped me.
6. NO FOOTBALL – If you think that V day falling about 10 days after the end of Football season is a coincidence you are high. Hallmark planned that shit because they know that women are on the edge of snapping due to 16 some odd weeks of us not giving a crap if they live or die on Sundays playing into their daddy issues. Lesson here, everyone at Hallmark are Nazis, and not the good kind either.
5. CRAPPY FOOD – Fuck Candy. Pass the wings. Nuff said.
4. PORN NOT ACCEPTED GIFT – See, I would be on board with the day if along with a heart shaped box of Chocolate, I could give the gift that keeps on giving – Even Girls Do It 3 Strap it ON. But somehow that is out of line on this topsy turvy holiday. I just don’t get it.
3. NO SLUTTY OUTFITS – Yeah, I know sometimes if we are really lucky you will model that $800 nightie with the strappy things that we bought you over a shame filled lunch hour earlier that day, but V Day takes a distance 2nd to Halloween when it comes to trashy outfits for chicks. I am just saying if you put a slutty nurse outfit on during dinner, your man would be way more into it.
2. BOOZE NOT CENTRAL – I still can not get over this. At least on Christmas we have Brandy soaked Egg noggin. Yeah it sucks but it looks like puke going down and coming back up. There is something comforting in that.
1. I LOOK HORRIBLE IN LINGERIE – Ask Lou.
So there you have it, if there are any single ladies out there that feel like getting hammered and ending up on the wrong end of a Lazsicle, hit me up at Lazlo@sorryigotdrunk.com. I promise you a time you will never forget, and you will probably put you in therapy sometime soon. So happy V day everyone, I hope you all get a burning sensation when you pee.
This is Lazlo saying, I Love you.