By: Captain Kitchen
I was informed last week to keep my eyes out for a gift from UTA that was a Holiday Lucky Chocolate Bar. While that in itself is great news, the really interesting part is that a few dozen recipients were said to receive “Golden Tickets” worth anywhere from $100 – $5,000.
Well, you guessed it, I WON BITCHES!!!!! Yep, I opened up my gift bar and looked inside and won myself a nice big pile of cashola. While I don’t think it’s appropriate to share how much I won……well………..ah screw it. I GOT A GRAND BITCHES!!!!!!
The next logical question I had to ask myself was: How much booze can I buy with a grand. I crunched the numbers a bit and came up with the following analysis.
I could get:
62 – 30 packs of Coors Lite, Miller Lite or Bud Lite
71 bottles of Seagrams 7
13 of the big honking Grey Goose bottles
40 bottles of Absolut Mandarin
45 bottles of Jameson Whiskey
4 bottles of Macallan’s 21 year fine oak scotch whiskey
10 bottles of Cristal
And a partridge in a pair tree!
The second question I had to ask myself was: How many “back room” lap dances could I get from shitty strip clubs in Las Vegas.

Spearmint Rhino – 6
Green Door – 9
Heart Throbs – 8
Angel Brandy & Suzy – 17
Burn Baby Burn – 29
The last question that I had to ask myself was: Is it cheap of me to feel love and appreciation to an agency that’s flat out buying my love this holiday season, which they hope will last at least the next 10 years?
Answer: Hell no. I love those guys now. Frankly, while most of you are pissed at me that I won, I’m going to give that company some props. They could have sent out a battery powered egg beater, a $10 gift card to Tower Records or an astronaut pen that lets you write upside down, but instead, they got creative and created a level of buzz around the industry that I haven’t seen since Paris Hilton’s last sex tape or Lindsey Lohan’s last drug escapade. Strong showing UTA.
A little can go a long ways, or a lot can go a little ways, but the one thing we know about this industry, nothing says “I’ll love you when you’re paying me and I’ll stab you in the back when someone pays me more” than a nice lump sum to make my holiday sweeter. Honestly, I’m more interested to see what Endeavor, WMA and ICM are going to do now….. Perhaps mass distribution of lotto tickets? We’ll just have to wait and see.