By: Lazlo
PRE-TRIP THOUGHTS
So, free flight to Hawaii, some people’s thoughts would be:
1. Chance for a relaxing time on a topical island.
2. Chance to take in a Luau and learn important cultural lessons.
3. Chance to relax and feel cool pacific breezes on beautiful secluded beaches.
Well, I gave up being pussifed when my last girlfriend put up her profile on J – Date (she was Catholic) so Lazlo’s thoughts (and what better way to start off one of these then referring to one’s self in the third person) are:
1. New place to get off of my rocker drunk.
2. An international island must know how fun/bullish I can be after 4 beer bongs and 12 shots of motor oil.
3. Slight (read: Large) chance of a hooker being involved in some fashion.
4. Spending a night in jail cells very likely.
Translation: HELL FUCK SHIT YEAH.

This trip was brought to Lou and Lazlo courtesy of those fuckers who fucked up our flights last Christmas. As luck would have it, the one time my flight back to the motherland is fucked up, I happen to be out of my gourd drunk. Actually scratch that, I pretty much show up at everything including my niece’s baptism cukoo for coco puffs on grain ethanol. I’m sorry Mikayla, Uncle Lazlo loves you but you have to understand, Mommy and Daddy are very selfish people. They think that just because you’re a very special little girl, that your Uncle Lazlo isn’t going to spend his New Years Eve erasing another year of failure in what amounts to his piss poor life by sucking on a tube of booze while yelling at Dick Clark. I know extremely selfish, right? I will make it up to you by not molesting you when you are 12. Deal?
Where the fuck was I? Oh yeah, the airport. So, they fucked up our travel and I was just drunk enough to be a little bitchy and I demanded that to make up for it the fly us home the next day first class and we both get a ticket anywhere they fly in the world. While I was at it I should have asked for a pony, because ATA doesn’t have first class and they do not fly out of the US. Add to that, the sober people who got knocked off of the same flight got 2 tickets each. Fucking racist bastard. So the only option. Waikiki on Thanksgiving. Done.
DAY ONE – Pre flight
Lou and I woke up at 5 am, hungover natch, and make our way to LAX courtesy of the very sleepy roommate Bill who no doubt loves the fact that he has to start his long weekend by driving his hopped up roommates to the airport. Two quick double bloody marys and we are onboard the ATA pineapple express. Lazlo has a thingy for slanty eyed bitches, so I am going to be in hog heaven when we land.

- During flight
We are over the Pacific to be specific and the effects of two screwdrivers on top of the double bloodies Lou and I had for breakfast keep me a little calmer then usual while flying in the packed confines of ATA. I do not fly well. And when I say I “do not fly well” I am not talking I about the “I get uncomfortable sitting that long” kind of “do not fly well.” I am knock me out with Rhino tranquiller like Mr. T or your going to pity the magazine I rip up in a panic attack when we get turbulence. What can I say, under it all I am a pussy who is SCARED to fly. By the way, if you have a chance to fly ATA before you head the way of the dodo, stab yourself in the eye with a pointy stick first so you have a good idea what is in store for you.
- Landing
So we land in Oahu without incident – read with me punching the asshole next to me who keep treating the staff like lower class citizens. OK, so they were, but the guy was still a prick. We make our way over the hotel and drop our stuff at the front desk and hit the TGIF for our Thanksgiving dinner of beer and wings – life at this point is pretty good and I am thankful that we poisoned the Injins and took their land so I can enjoy a plate of wings and a 72 ounce beer in a crappy chain restaurant. We got pretty shitty and it got so bad that Lou could not fit any more substance in widdle tummy. Old Laz stumbled up to the plate and polished it off his 72 ounce beer (is that even legal) and we start the journey back to the Outrigger Reef having no idea where we were or how to get home. Sweet.
We stumble back to our hotel from TGIF looking like the bumblefuck tourists that we are (I think Lou took a picture of a duck at one point) and checked in. It was at this point when we realized that the folks here are some of the nicest folks in the history of folks. Lou and I are city folk so we are always looking for an angle if folks are nice to us. Anywho – we stop by the room for a quick pick me up and we are off to the beach in search of booze and broads. A pimp little beach spot called Dukes provides one of the two and we wet our beak for a couple and head back to the room to kick the jetlag (read: do a ton of drugs and booze).
To Be Continued…