[Read Lazlo's Day 1 Account Here]
By: Lou
So, Laz has done a pretty good job of getting this whole adventure setup for you drunks reading this at home… Now it’s my turn to try and fill in some of the gaps…
Getting on the plane that morning, a bit of a buzz rocking off the 2 Bloody Marys, a fact that allowed me to completely walk away from my bag at the bar only realizing when I went to adjust the phantom strap on my shoulder as we’re waiting line in the terminal. Smooth move, I know.
Laz is not joking around about his fear of flight, trust me, when I scheduled these flights it was no accident that we didn’t sit next to each other. I get seated.. already looking for a stewardess or flight attendant or gay guy.. Whatever you call them. And I couldn’t help but notice the fact that all these ATA women look like aging witches. Seriously, 30 going on 60 with gray highlights and their own carryons under each eye.

I get seated next to hip hop wannnabe #1 with the fake diamonds in his ears and a bullshit platinumish watch on his wrist. And let me once again thank the black guys who are so anxious to get a white girl and still have the fat ass that they take these fat white girls off the market for us. Better than them roaming the bars all wild and willy nilly trying to get me drunk enough to bang them. There should be an award or something that goes out for that. From the bottom of my heart.. Thank you. Did I mention he had a fat, ugly tattooed and pierced white girl on his arm? Oh. Well, he did. Nice Girl.
Finally, Bruce #1 and Bruce #2 come around asking if I would like a drink. Uh.. lemme think about it Ponch, yes? How about a gin? What? No gin! Jesus fuck Christ. I give #1 a look and he holds up a bottle of vodka and goes, “This should do the trick, right?” And had he not totally understood the booziness of your dear Lou, I would’ve snapped back, “Smirnoff is no Tanqueray sir!,” but I didn’t. I took it, and drank the entire bottle before Laz could even get his open. Given, he was trying to eat some kind of snack they gave us. I, have no time for food when there is drink around. You can live for 2 weeks without food, but only 2 days without water… and vodka. I read that on the internet, so it must be true.
The in flight movie was The Fantastic Four. Actually an alright little flick. Better than that fucking piece of shit Batman Begins. This movie knew exactly what it was. A fucking comic book movie. Not Seven Days In Tibet By Way Of Gotham City.
Slept the rest of the flight… woke up just outside of Hawaii. We land. As we’re all waiting for the go to depart the plane, you know when everyone’s trying to grab their bags and figure out how they’re going to be the one person to cut the impossible line, all while crouched under the overheard bins? The girl seated right in front of me is hot and leaning over messing with her bags and for everyone in rows 16 & 17, she is providing our post flight entertainment by allowing us to look down her shirt while waiting. Nice girl.
Seated across the aisle from her was an honest to god monk and as soon as I saw him stand up, all I could do was silently wish for what he would provide me. My first real smile of State #50. He totally checked out this girls tits. Monks got needs too, right? If I could’ve jumped up in the air in celebratory glee without breaking my neck, I would’ve. With that, we exit…

For those that are wondering, its fucking hot and goddamn humid in Hawaii. I know. Who would’ve thunk it , right? So, after drunkenly trying to check in and realizing that it’s Thankgiving and we need to get some food and drink in our bellies, STAT! There it is. TGIF. It’s perfect. Where else would we eat after flying 2000 miles to a semi-foreign land than a fucking chain restaurant that we could’ve walked to from the Crack House. Thank God It’s Thankgiving.
Two Long Islands. One big ass burger. One Mind Eraser shooter. One Dallas Cowboys football game. A supercool bartender who wasn’t just supporting our goals of getting shit-faced before 1pm on Thanksgiving, he was egging us on coming up to us before drinks were done asking what we wanted next. His suggestion.. One Hawaiian Volcano.

Where was I? Oh yeah.. Two 17 year old hotties sitting next to us with their parents. Denver fans unfortunately. THE HOTTEST MILF I HAVE EVER SEEN sitting next to us with hubbie and daughter. She had on a little short black dress with “LOST” on the bottom edge of it except it was written like the AC/DC logo with the lightning bolt. Just a fan from what I could surmise. One 72 oz. beer that I couldn’t finish. A wonderful drunken walk home 3 hours after arriving in which I took these pics…

So, after getting checked in.. getting some Red Dog and Icehouse.. On Sale at ABC Stores. Check out the beach and have two Pacificos at Duke’s, we head back to call it an early night because we have a football game to attend tomorrow. Laz passes out. I, unfortunately have this thing about sleeping. Don’t like to do it. So, I decide to go down my phone book and call everyone I still give a shit about, which actually made me realize that I have a lot of people in my phone still that I could give two shits about. (And why is giving one shit a good thing and giving two a bad thing? Really giving any shit at all should not be a good thing. Just saying). By this time, it’s 1130-12 in Hawaii so it’s 2am in LA and even 4am to one person I talked to in NY. Gotta love my friends, though, call at 4am and not only do they answer, but are up and still talking to people around them.
So, after exhausting that time killer, I start getting these wonderful text messages from Rex and Bill..
From:Rex
Dude me and bill are gettin lap dances at planb never had one this is amwesome
4:22am 11/25/05
From:Rex
Best tgiving ever
4:50am 11/25/05
From:Bill
I have created a monster in Rex
5:00am 11/25/05
From:Rex
Lap dances rule goin to tj
5:50am 11/25/05
I finally get ahold of Rex.. Him and Bil, being jealous of us being in Hawaii, decided to take it to the next level… now they’re on the highway leaving the club on the way to TJ, likely for hookers and pharmies. Again, I love my friends. Time for bed…
To Be Continued…