[Ed.Note: Not that it really matters, but either Lazlo has stepped into another plane of existence, (which is entirely possible), or the times on all these posts are screwed up in his Blackberry. Not that it really matters, but according to this, he was at a bar at 5AM and his latest post is at 9PM tonight and I'm writing this at 3PM Illinois time, so take it for what it is... Drunk Standard Time]
Aug 4, 2005 1:55 PM – So, my last adventure must have struck a cord with somebody in my front office because they decided to unleash old Lazlo at another convention. This time they have sent me to my kind of town. That’s right, the one and only Chicago. So what better way to remind myself of all of the trouble I get into in my hometown, then to liveblog it so that all three of our loyally Sorry Drunk readers can join in the fun. Off I go to LAX, with hopefully enough time to get hammered before my flight.
2:36 PM – Two shots of Jack and a Budweieser chaser at Generic LAX Bar #895 and I am forced to run to my flight. I’m flying Southwest so I can not wait to dig into my spam casserole dinner with Old English wash down. Bring on the tube tops and aqua net, Lazlo is in the house.
9:41 PM – Just saw a couple of signs for Southwest’s new slogans… Southwest: We are the New Jersey of airlines… Southwest: If your gums don’t bleed, you are on the wrong line… Southwest: No shoes, No shirt, No problem… Southwest: Welcome back Lazlo, you’re usual table?
10:22 PM – 150 trailer trash fucks and 3 pieces of checked luggage. Somebody just jammed a Datsun RX in the overheard bin. God bless dirt poor America.
Aug 5, 2005 1:30 AM – New slogan. Southwest: We suck so bad we fuck up a bloody mary. Kansas city smells like dog vagina.

4:56 AM – I get off my air Suck Taintlines flight and land in sweet home. Only to be confronted by Southwest’s evil stepsister, Budget Rental Car. The have 2 junior high drop outs working the counter and 800 people in line. Don’t they know I have drunk drivin to do?
5:09 AM – Standing in line with fat dumb Midwesterns really makes me wish I would have brought my weed.
7:45 AM – So after 2 hours of waiting for a fuckball rental car, I b-line it for the closest bar with an Old Style sign in the window. I end up at the Forrest View Tavern on Harlem Ave on the south side of Chicago. First thing I noticed, lots of girls… fat girls… with baseball jerseys… and mullets. That is right kids, Lazlo just got wasted with lesbos. Factory working, beer drinking, fat girl fucking midwestern lesbians. And you know what, it took me 15 min to figure it out. I took a small pride neon rainbow old style sign. This trip has been a sucess I can go home now.
9:10 PM – After a night of sleep in my childhood semen encrusted bed, I wake up to my sister’s 3 ankle biters hitting me in the head to play with them. After 2 hours of playing the role of Uncle Lazlo, I am off to grab a drink before heading to the convention.
3:39 PM – So, I have officially cleansed my uncle status with a healthy dose of Jack Daniels and Old Style at my hometown throwdown Berta’s Tap, Lazlo’s Midwest Cheers. I run into a few old high school teachers and some people who wouldn’t speak to me who buy me drinks. I grit my teeth and smile at them and as soon as they turn around I spit in their Miller Lites. I hit the highway with a head full of booze and head towards the convention.
8:20 PM – So after hella Friday rush hour traffic, I finally get to the convention and get my credentials and head immediately for the closest Gino’s East for pizza and beers with some of Lazlo’s college buddies.
10:24 PM – After eating at Ginos I realize why chicks are 30 pounds heavier here than in LA. If I lived here, I would be the size of a Volvo. I am full and drunk and I am making a b-line to a small town, dippy shitty festival and hit on some hometown bitches with mini van ass.
Aug 6, 2005 9:49 AM – So, last night I missed a Dave Matthews cover band (I almost cried tears of joy) but did make it back to the place of my youth, O town, in time to suck back about 15 Miller Lites.
If you are a fat chick, move to a small town in the Midwest. Dudes in Nascar tear into you like Lou at a Junior Prom. I saw 3 chicks last night who I have at one point or another shoved parts of my body down parts of theirs and all three of them put on wieght like they had been working out with Barry Bonds. If you like fat chicks with big hair, the midwest is your oyster. I am up and on the road to the convention that I ditched on fri.
11:05 AM – This sums up the difference between the Wizard Convention in Chicago and Comic Con in San Diego.. The Klingon I just saw used styoform on his costume.
11:36 AM – Just saw a trailer for Rob Mckittrick’s movie WAITING at the Lions Gate booth. If you have an ounce of irreverant cool in you, go see this movie on the first night. I read Rob’s script almost 6 years ago and know what this guy has been through to get this funny mofo to the screens. Guys, I hesitate to promise you will get laid if you take a girl to go see this movie, but I will give you a million dollars if you do (offer only valid if the girl sleeps with Lazlo and Lou instead).
12:47 PM – I now have a new top lass for my down and dirty spank sessions. Jizz rocket heaven, thou has a name, and it is Evangeline Lilly. This scorching hot piece of Canadian ass is here to promote all things LOST. Hopefully my dick will get lost in various dark holes in her body. I can not remember what she said because I was too busy going over sports stats in my head to put off the urge to rub one off and toss my man juice one stage as a display of affection. Man I need a smoke.