By Ben Gleib
GLEIB.COM
Every year I watch the MTV’s Video Music Awards. And every year I’m left disappointed and angry. This year was worse.
Diddy’s opening dance number was hilarious. And really funny. What the fuck was he doing when he came out? He was like trying to be a magician. Without any tricks. But a big effects budget. Just because you throw expensive parties, doesn’t mean you would make a good award show host. Diddy would have been a better host if he was retarded. I think the ‘P’ went up inside him and turned into a pussy.
“It’s a night when anything can happen!” That was the theme, and Diddy repeated it over and over again. And he didn’t lie.
Anything definitely happened… Like a 20 second horrible dance-off between Diddy and Omarion. Or a one minute version of “U Cant Touch This” with the actual MC Hammer! I guess “anything happening” can include a lot of shitty stuff. Once you’ve been on the Surreal Life, you can’t be a good surprise guest.
What about how Shakira reinvented herself with a song no one could understand and the same stomach shake and ass shake that is honestly way too fast to be attractive. That certainly was anything. They never said the “anything” would be good, or exciting. And they were right!
I’ll never forget how Piddy totally gave that guy in the crowd his watch! Security didn’t believe it. And neither could I. It doesn’t even make sense. But believe me, it happened. I’ve always wanted to see someone get a watch on TV!

I was totally caught off guard when Jessica Alba came out with Dwayne Wade, and he kept saying he runs this town, and “they call me Big Daddy.” I couldn’t believe it at all when Shaq then came out! He’s the Big Daddy! That sketch was so good! And totally unexpected! And I gotta say, really well written.
But how did they get Shaq? This award show was all the way in Miami. What a surprise!
Then for some reason RKelly acted out this weird musical story while badly mouthing words, and showing the acting ability of a dead Paris Hilton. I’d rather he piss on more young girls. I guess in a night of possibilities, one of them is RKelly doing a horrible one-man show ending in a gay kiss. THANKS
P DADDY!
I’d like to fuck Hillary Duff. But I still don’t think she’s cool at all. She delivered a side-splitting joke where she called “The Killers” “The Murderers.” It made me want to kill myself. I mean murder myself. (Also as an important side note, can Missy Elliot please stop trying to be attractive? It’s ridiculous. She looks like one of the Klumps.) After watching The Killers perform I decided that I will no longer like any band if the lead singer wears eye shadow. Unless he is openly gay it is just plain ridiculous. Don’t sing about taking off a girl’s dress and wear more eye shadow then my mom. It’s just annoying.
Duddy conducting an orchestra to old Biggie raps, with Snoop rapping live was cool. But it lasted like 90 seconds.
I don’t know what was worse. The show, or having to hear Halle Berry say “Fabulash” every other commercial. “Fabulash” is not a fucking word. Neither is Diddy. Then in another bland suprise, they had three reggae guys no one’s heard of play together for the first time. Wow. Yesterday my brother met a friend of mine from college. But I didn’t televise that shit!
Then Puff Doodie brought people with shitty seats down to party with him. I took this break in the excitement to go to my room and jerk off.
Kanye West proved that when you whine about not winning a grammy, they give you MTV awards.
Dane Cook being introduced by Snoop was tight, and he did well doing standup to a tough-ass room.
Then, suddenly, anything really did happen! Eva Longoria came out in the absolutely sexiest pink underwear panties breast showing thing, and fucking hands down stole the show!!! Then an old Mariah Carey sang in a pool. She looked sorta beat and it was creepy.
50 Cent performed. It was alright, but it’s kinda like seeing Mike Tyson sing. I know he was shot like 40 times, but he comes off sorta tender. Except at the end of his medley when he called Fat Joe a fucking pussy. And it made it to air. So maybe he’s not so soft after all. Go on with your bad-romantic-rap-song-self!
Then Deedee, our host, gave a huge exciting intro, saying that because he loves rock, and he knows people in high places, he has a surprise performance. I thought it was gonna be the Rolling Stones. It was My Chemical Romance! FUCKING EYE SHADOW AGAIN! And why does MTV need Puff Daddy’s help to get My Chemical Romance? I thought the show was done, but there was more.
Green Day won an award, and there was a hilarious moment when Billy Joe and Bow Wow awkwardly kissed each other.
I’ll skip over the irony of him thanking the bands that supported live aid, an effort to end world poverty, just seconds after Paris Hilton and Lil’ Bow Wow bantered over who was wearing more hundreds of thousands of dollars of diamonds.
There was also the beyond completely retarded Taco Bell commercial where the guy falls in love with the girl cause she makes up the word “crunchaweezy.” I did enjoy the commercial right after it, where Susan Sarandon tells Halle Berry to put on her pants. I think I dreamed that one into existence. Then Destiny’s Child, who is breaking up, came on stage, and the first two girls said how much the group has meant to them, and Beyonce ignored it and just said, “and the nominees are.” You could see the “these girls are dead weight” in her eyes.
Then at the actual end of the show, I heard Puff Diddy say these exact words, “What you’re about to see is incredible… Kelly Clarkson!” And with that, the hip-hop world melted. I learned an important lesson watching the VMA’s. Just because anything can happen, doesn’t mean it will.
The show sucked, but ’cause of Eva Longoria I’ll give it an 8.
Ben Gleib performs weekly at CollegeHumor.com / National Lampoon nite at the Hollywood Improv, with Dane Cook, Dave Attell, Sarah Silverman, and more.
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