By Ben Gleib
GLEIB.COM
Every year I watch the MTV’s Video Music Awards. And every year I’m left disappointed and angry. This year was worse.
Diddy’s opening dance number was hilarious. And really funny. What the fuck was he doing when he came out? He was like trying to be a magician. Without any tricks. But a big effects budget. Just because you throw expensive parties, doesn’t mean you would make a good award show host. Diddy would have been a better host if he was retarded. I think the ‘P’ went up inside him and turned into a pussy.
“It’s a night when anything can happen!” That was the theme, and Diddy repeated it over and over again. And he didn’t lie.
Anything definitely happened… Like a 20 second horrible dance-off between Diddy and Omarion. Or a one minute version of “U Cant Touch This” with the actual MC Hammer! I guess “anything happening” can include a lot of shitty stuff. Once you’ve been on the Surreal Life, you can’t be a good surprise guest.
What about how Shakira reinvented herself with a song no one could understand and the same stomach shake and ass shake that is honestly way too fast to be attractive. That certainly was anything. They never said the “anything” would be good, or exciting. And they were right!
I’ll never forget how Piddy totally gave that guy in the crowd his watch! Security didn’t believe it. And neither could I. It doesn’t even make sense. But believe me, it happened. I’ve always wanted to see someone get a watch on TV!
For those of you wandering, I was no where near Pocatello, Idaho earlier this month, and I have the scabies to prove it. I know I have a new hero everyday around here, (everyone needs father figures), but anyone who gets into 2, count ‘em 2 fights with store clerks who won’t sell him beer after hours is a man of impeccable character, and impeccable girth. I have one thing to say to the authorities in Idaho who want this man put away for his Robin Hoodesque antics… YOU LIVE IN FUCKING IDAHO! The man should be allowed to have a heroin IV to kill the potato-laced boredom that is IDHAO. This great man is only following in the liberating tradition of such freedom fighters as Che Guevara, Rosa Parks, and Fatty Arbuckle. This man is a patriot and we should hoist him on our shoulders and… on second thought, dude ways like 4 tons. Maybe just a pat on the back and a 12 pack of Schlitz will do.
This is Lazlo saying, Steal from the Sober, Give to the Drunk
- Where the White Women At?
- I’m just here to see the Killers… I mean Kayne.
- He was there to represent East Flava in his ongoing Cause of Death feud with Robert Blake.
- “No R. Kelly, my daughter could not make it tonight.”
- One cigar for each victim.
- Maybe that is why Ja Rule went from yelling “Murda in the House” to “No, seriously guys, there is a murderer in the house, Aisle five, Row 15, Seat J”
- Is it ironic that he has a LiveStrong bracelet on?
- This guy is such an asshole he needs 2 big black phallic symbols in his mouth.
- “Wait, this isn’t a golf course? I’m going to kill my agent.”
- “Funny story. I killed my ex-wife and her boyfriend. Eh, you had to be there.”
Posted by: B-Side
- “Pork Chop Sandwiches!!”
Posted by: rex
- “Uh, yeah, then I slit her throat, hahahaha.”
Posted by: m
- 14:45, 14:46, 14:47….The Juice’s 15 minutes are almost up. Stay out of the public, you murdering fuck.
Posted by: el duderino
- Who would have thought blood makes leather gloves shrink?
Posted by: TheDude
- The Juice is Loose! Yeah, I’m here to kill…er, see the Simpson sisters… Check out these fingers I found in my car.
Posted by: S.O. Mac
- Audi proudly sponsors the 2005 “Still Hunting For the Real Killers Tour”.
Posted by: Chris
Hey all, spotdog here with this week’s PreView Reviews…
The Brothers Grimm – Let me tell you a fable about an truly amazing visionary director who has been throughly chewed up and spit out by the Hollywood machine and now brings us a bullshit fantasy film with a bunch of bullshit CGI and lets Harvey Fucking Weinstein fuck with his film and his poster and his movie so that it ends up homogenized fantasy pap with Matt Fucking Damon instead of Johnny Depp like it was intended. Oh wait, that’s not a fable. That’s the sad fucking truth. Where’s that giant foot that Terry used to draw for Monty Python when you need it? (Cue squish sound).
8 Drinks to Enjoy
Undiscovered – Ashlee Simpson is in this movie.*
9 Drinks to Enjoy
The Cave – Unless this is Bruckheimer’s version of Plato’s Cave, then I’ve got nothing to say. I just want Nic Cage as the leader of a ragtag group of virtually blind togo-wearing bandits as the come to escape their shackles, running as fast as they can through goons with poor shooting skills to the nearest strip club. All to the sounds of Kid Rock. Or Motley Crue. Yeah, Motley Crue would totally thrash!
7 Drinks to Enjoy
*That’s it. That’s the joke.
Another SorryDrunk day another SorryDrunk Major Leaguer arrested for hitting the sauce and getting behind the wheel (in between Tara Reid shiznit of course). I say let him be, it is only the 2nd time he got caught this year. And anybody who drives drunk that often has to be pretty damn good at it. This guy may be my new idol.
A) He is a knight on the Dutch Royal House.
B) He is a pro baller with a tendency to get all trashed and race around the Maryland freeways like he is Lou and me on a late night Taco Bell run.
C) He also spent some time in lockdown when he got into a brawl in his native Aruba that left 4 people injured… ON CHRISTMAS DAY. Daddy?
This is Lazlo saying, only 14 more shopping days until Christmas (FOOTBALL SEASON)
And only because I feel contractually, if not psychically, obligated to do so, I give you today’s bit of Taraoism from this week’s Taradise:
“I wish all the mean people, if you want to be mean to each other, just buy a country together and blow each other up. Then we’d have no terrorists left. Like, don’t kill innocent people for no reason. It’s not fair. We love everybody. We’d even like them if they said they’re sorry. It’s not fair that innocent people are getting hurt. It makes me sad.” [pouts]
And she continued on to say, “.. and we’ll have another country for all those skinny bitches who are always stealing my drinks, and like, another country just for, no, wait, oh, oh, I know… Another one that just has Red Bull and Jager and we’ll go there to do Jager bombs and you guys can all come cause you’re soooo cool…” It was at this point that she passed out and her head slammed into her margarita.
[Gridskipper]
Every night, when I’m having trouble falling asleep, the only thing that brings me comfort is that I know that somewhere in the world Tara is flailing around drunk having a better time than I can ever imagine, making me feel better about all my embarassing drunken exploits. It’s with these visions dancing in my head that I fall soundly asleep, knowing that if I’m lucky enough, when I wake up, some estute interwebber will have provided me with pics of this wonderful woman doing what she does best.
Apparently here, Miss T was at a county fair or a pig farm by the looks of her huge red rubber shit kicking, wading boots. And to top it off, she doesn’t even look drunk. Definitely a few dozen pounds heavier, but sober nonetheless. That’s too bad, really. But like I always say, a day without Tara… Enjoy
[More Pics At IDontLikeYouInThatWay]
What is worst then being a sport-celeb with a checkered past? Being a SorryDrunk sport-celeb who is so pathetic that when he runs from the cops, they don’t even chase. Dwight Gooden started off by doing his best Darrel Strawberry tribute down in Florida when he got pulled over by Tampa PD. He refused to get out of the car, (I have tired this and it never works), and then the best part.. He tried to run from the cops after he gave them his ID. I can just see these guys, with his license in their hand and he pulls away from the curb, almost killing his stick shift Datsun RX, as the PoPo just look at him and say “Oh, that is so sad.” So what do we say? THAT IS SORRY DRUNK to you mister.
Just so you don’t feel too sorry for him, here is his rap sheet showing that he beat the crap out of his chick earlier this year. We in no way condone that, unless the bitch had it coming.
This is Lazlo saying TAKE ME OUT TO THE BALL GAME
