So, my job really sucks today and I would like to quit, but for some reason I think it would be more fun to make them fire me. And it is with this mindset that I bring you this week’s list…
10. COME TO WORK WITHOUT SHOWERING – Really want to piss of those fuckers that make your mind melt with their stupidity. Work up a stench so bad that no one will be able to get near you. For a little extra kick, toss some rotting fish guts down your pants. As Yoda would say ”Laid, you will not get… But severance package, have you will.”
9. START PREACHING SCIENTOLOGY – Alright I’ll admit it, this one made the list solely because I hate Tom Cruise. I have avoided talking about it so far because it seems like everyone is doing it and even though I am Irish, I do not like beating people that are down. He is a pig fucker, plain and simple. It is kind of just amazing that we all have not noticed until now. It really tells you the power of these fuck ball celebrity’s PR Flacks. Good ones have you seeming like the all American boy who everyone ones to fuck their apple pie-assed daughters. Bad ones (or sisters, instead of good ones) have people counting the days until your movie tanks and hoping he moves to Santa Barbara and some Scientology hating DA plants kiddy porn in his IMAC. If there is a non alien-god out there, I would like use this forum to ask him to PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE let us find Tom Cruise dead in some seedy motel with a male hooker and a mound of Coke that he PERSONALLY, PERSONALLY just got off of. All kidding aside, I will buy beers if anyone shoots the guy in the head with something non liquid.

8. OPEN DRUG USE – It is one thing to go to the bathroom for a little pick me up, but if you really want to get them to kick you out, start shooting up at your desk, or better yet the conference room or your bosses office. This puts the company in a strange place. They do not want your dopy ass around anymore, but you are obviously a sick ass freak. But if they fire you the run the risk of you suing there ass for not getting you help. Can you say HUGE FUCKING SEVERENCE… I knew you could.
7. DEFECATE – Whether it is on the floor, on the walls, in the coffee pot, nothing says ”I really dislike you guys” like a corny log in someone Sanka. I will now pause for people to let that image sink in.
(pause)
6. THREATEN CO-WORKERS PETS – anyone can threaten your co-workers or their families, but that will just lead to a bench warrant or two. So with pet lovers, (why does it seem like I always working with semi-PETA fucks), the best way to get at them is through their breathing fuzz bucket. Start off by showing them pictures of dead and mutilated fluffy little kittens. Then Crank it up a notch by burning an effigy of a cat and tell them how much it looks like their precious hair ball.
5. WRITE FOR YOUR WEBPAGE – Seeing titles like ”Drunken Man Fucks Baby Squirrel… In The Ass” fly through the company email is not only a great way to get fired but it makes for a very uncomfortable room when facing the firing squad.
4. SLEEP AT WORK – I am not talking about a small cat nap here or there, all out full blown cot and pajamas sleep. Hell, bring an alarm clock so you know what time you need to get the hell out of there and go grab Margaritas and try to nail the girls in the secretary pool.
3. HONOR JEWISH HOLIDAYS INAPPROPRIATELY (an LA or NY special) – 2 words, ARM BAND, and I do not mean the little black arm band that Jacko wore when those monsters had the nerve to arrest him for sucking off a 12 year old cancer kid.
2. CELEBRATE: TAKE A HOOKER TO WORK DAY – Preferably on “Take Your Daughter to Work Day.”
1. COME TO WORK DRUNK – Wake at 5AM and eat no breakfast and immediately start dinking like it’s St. Paddy’s Day and your last name is O’Patensheh’an’fuck. You will need a ride into work, (late so people will take notice), and let the fun and games begin. If they do you not fire you after this, then you should be happy that you have such a cool job and shut the fuck up.