Due to the fact that I am a stumbling drunk, my scoop about the new X-Men director got posted on AICN as an exclusive to them 12 hours after we posted it. It ran several other places, including our friends over at Defamer, (who were good enough to at least try to give old Lazlo the credit his booze-addled mind deserves.) The fine print would have told us that it was an exclusive for non-drinking sites, but whatever. I’m not pissed and I’m not going to go Tony Montana on those guys. They are part of the reason this site exists and they get the shaft all the time from the print media so I guess I should be flattered. Truth be told, AICN probably got the story from some of the same people I did… just 12 hours later. So I raise my middle finger to them with a Lazlo Salute, and hope we have the good fortune to reach the point where they now sit.
This is Lazlo saying…THE DRUNKS WILL RISE AGAIN
Archive for June 2005
The Scooper Gets Scooped
Fighting, Skating And Young Girls’ Pants: AKA Saturday
Hey all, spotdog here with this week’s Pre-View Reviews…
Cinderella Man – Finally, a boxing movie that won’t end up being about kids in China. (Get it? Youth in.. Aw, forget it). I think this is the sequel to Seabiscuit, except the horse is now reincarnated into the body of Russell Crowe who has to get beaten up all day and then come home to the eternally puckered face of Renee Zellwegeronivich (sp?). Talk about the Depression. This masochistic tale is brought to you by Opie, so you know there will be no cussing, screwing, or really anything of great interest. I say stay home and watch Rocky 4.
5 Drinks to Enjoy
Lords of Dogtown – This is not, as I originally thought, the prequel to All Dogs Go To Heaven, and I’m pretty sure Dom Deluise isn’t in it, which sucks. Apparently, it’s a skateboading movie about the kids who figured out skateboarding didn’t have to be sucky, with handstands and other Beach Boys type crap. And it’s directed by that lady who made Thirteen, about young girls who get high, make out, and give head. So, you know I’m a fan of her work. I’ve been working on a documentary along the same lines for years.
4 Drinks to Enjoy
The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants – There was a time when a “sisterhood” like this with “magic pants” would have been burned at the stake. Ah, the good ole days. This movie is obviously a fantasy as these pants seem to fit on all of these girls, even though I’m pretty sure one of them, how do I say this delicately, has an enormous ass. I don’t throw out the 10 drink rating haphazardly, but I’m pretty sure if you were to see this movie sober, or conscious for that matter, people would end up dead. And you’d end up gay.
10 Drinks to Enjoy
Drunk Quote Of The Day
From Bill Simmons’ OC wrap up over at ESPN Page 2:
“By the way, just once I want to watch a show where somebody has a parent who drinks too much, only it doesn’t affect the people around them and actually makes them more fun to be around. I know people like this. You know people like this. Why aren’t they on TV?”
Read the rest of his write up here.
Lazlo Gets The Scoop
My studios spies, (AKA the drunks on the lot I pay off with boozy treats) have let me know who is in the front running to direct the next X-Man installment. Now that Fox has SWEPT AWAY (get it) Guy Ritchie’s chip of off the old Kabbalah Block, Matthew Vaughn, they are in need of a new dude at the helm. You may ask yourself what this has with being a Sorry Drunk… two words, BRETT RATNER. Now I am not saying that he is a drunk (that would be slander) I am saying that he is a no talent hack (that would be truth) who has one hell of a party boy image. Also of note, my peeps tell me that John Moore is also in the running, but having never lived on the same property as Robert Evens, no one really cares. Stay tuned for the announcement of new black wise-cracking characters that Brett will infuse into the franchise.
Lazlo saying, Hit it and quit it.
The Lazlo Ponders Life’s Most Important Questions Series Presents: Man On A Mission
Monday, May 30, 2005 10:07 AM
So, I guess being hung over is sort of how I am going to start a lot of these things, but today is kind of a special one. I spent last night terrorizing the streets of San Fran with my old drinking buddy K Dog. He was sans wife and I was sans sanity but that write-up will come later. So like the good little brainwashed traveler that I am, I show up really early for my flight and find myself at the Mission Bar with time to spare and brain cells to kill. I tear through 3 bloodys like a man on a mission and decided that this may be the worst airport bar in the history of inebriated travel. The drinks are high on price and low on both booze and flavor and they are served by a bartender named Chen that speaks no English and does not even attempt to rebuff my conversation. Dude’s job consists of getting me high and listening to me ramble while high and he can not do either with any grace. I debate in my head for a while if it is fair to judge a bar by my experience at said bar at 9 AM on a Monday and come to this conclusion:
UPDATED: Breaking News: Tommy Lee Blacks Out.. Wakes Up Engaged?
On my way into work this morning, I flipped over to KIIS FM and Seacrest (don’t ask) was teasing a story about Tommy Lee proposing to Perennial Party Girl™ and object of ridicule Tara Reid and then not remembering it in the morning. Of course I got to work before they got back to it, and it’s probably some bullshit play on words or some shit anyways, but it still lit up my morning.
More news as it rolls in… Until then, Lou, Out!
UPDATE: Somehow I missed this when it originally ran over at Perez Hilton’s last week. (Bad, Bad Blogger). The details differ a bit from how they teased it on the Super Seacrest Shit Show, but the drunken proposal remains. You can check out their article here.
