Hey all, spotdog here with this week’s PreView Reviews…
The Adventures of Shark Boy and Lava Girl in 3-D – Unless you’re one of those poor bastards who passed out in their own vomit and woke up with a bunch of ankle biters, then I see no reason to bother with this crap. Yeah, I know it’s Rodriguez and he’s supposed to be God or some shit, but remember, his 8 year old kid came up with the idea for the movie, and 8 year old kids don’t know shit. Most of them can’t even make a decent martini. And don’t get me started on their constant “but the whiskey burns my throat” whining. I say skip it and get drunk in the nearest alley.
5 Drinks in the Alley to Enjoy
High Tension – It’s hard for me to a do a regular PreView Review on this one because I saw it last year when it was in French and called Haute Tension. I guess, now they’ve dubbed it in English for all the illiterate fucks who can’t be bothered to read during a movie. So, at the very least you’ll be able to mock the screen when their mouths don’t move with the words. All I really remember about the movie is that it had some pretty decent killings and the sexy little French broad was easy on the eyes. I’m pretty sure there’s a dubbing joke in there about putting something English in her French mouth, but I’m too lazy to be clever.
4 Drinks to Enjoy
Mr. & Mrs. Smith – What do you get when you put the two best looking actors in the world in a movie together? Divorce. And poor Jennifer Aniston is left to the wayside to continue her inevitable slide into Sarah Jessica Parker Face Land™. We all know that Angelina is hotter than shit and under the right circumstances, I think even I would fuck Brad Pitt, but what kind of movie can Brandgelina™ give us? Who really gives two shits? Grab a date, get liquored up, and get some, God damn it!
+ 
+
3 Drinks Before the Movie + 2 During + 4 Afterward Because You’ll Feel So Ugly = 9 Drinks to Enjoy
The Honeymooners – After last week’s Sisterhood 10 Drink rating, I’m cautious to throw it out there again so nonchalantly, but seriously, The Honeymooners? Cedric The (Non)Entertainer in another It’s just like ____________ except it’s “urban” movie? Please. And when the hell did “urban” become the P.C. word for black? What about all the black people that live in the country? I, for one, can’t wait for the white remake of Boyz N Tha Hood except Sub-urban. I need a drink.
10 Drinks to Enjoy
Archive for June 2005
Angelina, Lava Girl, & French Chicks… That’s Haute.
SorryIGotDrunk Buyer’s Guide: Gray Kangaroo Personal Liquor Filter
Being that we’re big fans of drinking cheap booze here.. Usually using whatever change we can scrape out of the couch to buy the stuff with, we love the idea of anything that makes that shit taste any better.
So, here we give you the Gray Kangaroo Personal Liquor Filter. Apparently this bad boy filters your cheap convenient store hooch into something more palatable. They also claim that it reduces the effects of hangovers, but when you’re drink as much as Laz and I do, it doesn’t matter whether its Osco Brand Vodka or Skyy – You’re gonna feel it in the morning. And probably the next morning, too.
Just imagine what you could do with this thing and The Shooter Buddy. Shit, you could probably drink rubbing alcohol. Not that you don’t already, but you know, it would taste better.
Creepy images of the actual Gray Kangaroo in the wild after the jump…
Chalk Up Another Lost Child Actor
I am just shocked.. SHOCKED at the news madeyoulaugh over at TVgasm is reporting about the real reason for the new and unimproved Lindsay Skelelohan. Her alleged cocaine and diet pill addiction. Actually, I’m not surprised at all as I also know some people who had to deal with her “exhaustion” on Herbie. I, being a ridiculous drug addict myself, spotted the signs some time ago, but was holding out hoping she might find Kaballah or Scientology or something so we can once again worship to the altar that was her heavenly rack.
But now that it’s plainly obvious that she’ll be dead in a year or so, I guess I can just move on to stalking someone else. I would like to take this time to thank the Jessica’s, Alba and Simpson. You ladies really stepped up when the world needed you most.
See Miss Alba’s Fantastic Two here and a ridiculously hot picture of Miss Simpson after the jump…
Now It All Makes Sense
Lazlo’s Top Ten Things That Will Get You Kicked Out Of A Ballpark
So the Cubs made their yearly West Cost swing last week, meaning my bank account and brain cell reserves are shot. Went to five games in seven days and decided to use what I have learned to help mankind. I can not comment on if I got removed from any stadium or stadium parking lots (court case pending) but here are a list of 10 things that will definitely get you kicked out of any ballpark worth its weight in peanut shells.
10. TAUNTING CHILDREN – Yeah, Yeah, they are cute and cuddly and shit, but if they are wearing the other colors I am on them like a gang banger at a swap meet. Nothing will alert the security to your drunken ass faster than making a few crumb crunchers bawl.
9. SEXUAL COMMENTS – It is one thing to cheer a team on, and it is another to tell the opposing players which position you had his mother in last night. One will show support to your team. They other will get you cut from the juice quicker then people hide there stash around Robert Downey Jr. For bonus points make your comment about homosexuality or bestiality.
8. PUBLIC URINATION – Whenever someone runs on to the field, how come they never take a leak? I mean with the long lines and all of the open green grass it would just seem logical that one time some drunk guy close to the action would hop the fence and start to relieve himself. The question then… would the cops let him finish or take him down?
SUBQUESTION – Would that be the mother of all times to get stage fright?
Video Game Geeks Unite
Judd Nelson: The Real Neo Maxi Zoom Dweebie
The Nip Seen Round The World
Remember when all the hubbub was about the possibility of seeing Britney’s nip? Seems like decades ago, doesn’t it? It’s hard to remember a time before Spederline when she was actually hot. Well, those days are long gone as we await the birth of little Red Bull Federline and of course the inevitable “Hey, remember me?!?” Playboy spread in 2006.
Now we have Jessica Alba, and although I’m a little late to the game on this post and I’m sure every other site on the planet already has this with something clever to say along with it, I’m posting it anyway with nothing clever to say. Nothing. Just some pictures of an innocent, young actress who was photographed in public in a see-through dress.
I feel dirty.
NSFW pics after the jump…
Oh, Tara, How Do I Love Thee? Let Me Count The Ways
1. Tiny, scared shitless dog.
2. Huge, Fugly boobs popping out of your dress.
3. That wonderful, “I think I just had sex” hairstyle.
4. That blank, cracked out stare.
5. The smell of Tommy Lee seeping out of your pores.
6. How about the simple fact that a 6 pack of Zima and a rented Hummer and I know I could do the dirtiest of dirty to you.
I Heart You, Tara.
-Pic snagged from those wonderful bastards at Bastardly.
The First SorryIGotDrunk Contest!
Lou here… Laz and I would like to first off welcome all the new Sorry Drunks to the site. We’ve been growing by leaps and bounds recently with a little love from our boys at TVgasm, Defamer, & CollegeHumor. We hope you’ve been enjoying our stories, but now it’s your turn…
In honor of Las Vegas turning 100 years old this year, (and I must say she doesn’t look a day over 89), we’re going to have our first giveaway.
We want you to send us in your best SorryIGotDrunk Story from Vegas. This can be that time that hooker took all your credit cards or when you woke up on the pirate ship at Treasure Island. The crazier the better. Just write it up, include pictures if you want. We’ll happily blur out the faces of the guilty, (or the innocent for that matter).
We’ll all vote on our favorite and we’ll send the winner this:
The World Series of Poker Set & Collector`s Tin
So, grab a bottle, sit down and do your worst, or I guess, your best. Send all your entries to:
vegas@sorryigotdrunk.com
Entries must be received by Midnight, Friday July 1st.
Better description of the prize after the jump.
