lazlo.jpgChatting up chicas in bars is always an interesting social experiment. Lazlo has heard many things come out of girls’ mouths. OK, that is a lie. I have been there and they have said stuff, but usually I am just staring at their fun bags. Here are the worst things you can hear come of a broad’s pie hole.
10. ”Let me tell you about my Ex” – There is no way this could end in anything but me listening to a pair of tits instead of slobbering all over them. The girl is obviously not in to you, and you run not walk to the closest whore house, cause off of this girl you are not getting shit.
9. ”The Pistons will cover the spread but there is no way they hit the over.” – No one is a bigger sports fan then me, and I love a chick that will watch/go to the game with me, but if she is in to it more then I am, SCARY. Also what the fuck am I going to bring to the conversation? It would be nice to nail her and then watch sports center together but experience tells me that you will be just watching Sports Center together and you will be pulling it alone.


8. ”Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your personal lord and savior?” – Nothing against the great one (anyone who prefers wine over water is fine in my book), but his born against followers usually do not spread thigh meat. Not to say that they don’t, but you are better off going with the damaged goods, not the people trying to make up for all of the other people they fucked when they were smutty bang bang girls.
7. ”My Uncle used to let me sleep in his bed” – See this one can go both ways, but I have been with my fair share of the bruised and battered and I have come to this conclusion (and I know Lou will argue this to the grave with me); they are not worth it. If you get sex off them it will be amazing. It will also be the last thing that happens to you before she cuts you dick off and makes a smoothie out of it for you.
6. ”I have this strange rash” – Check please.
5. ”What is your friend’s name” – Ouch, nobody really wants to be the wingman. We do it out of some sort of guy code. Lou is a firm believer in not helping other guys get laid. It is like he believes that there are a finite amount of fucks in the universe and if you get a taste that is one less possibility for him. I am with him in this case though. The second she asks about your friend the appropriate response should be ”He’s Gay.”
4. ”Sure you can get me a drink. I’ll take a water” – Heard this one this weekend, I am trying to get this girl boozed up so I can flip her over and punish her, and she tells me she will have a water. Nobody is going to win here. She is going to be more sober and you are going to be less laid.
3. ”You are really great, I have to call my husband and tell him about you” – This happened to me 2 weeks ago. Fact: Guys do not look for wedding rings. Ladies if you are married and not up for a little romp outside of the relationship, you should wear a neon sign. Preferable over your cleavage. And I under no circumstances want to meet your boyfriend/husband. Frankly, I would like to get rid of some of the guy friends I have now, but I am a guy and have no idea how to do that.
2. ”I am the biggest tease” – This on happened to me last weekend as well. I thought at first that is was part of her game but she went on to talk about politics and how big of a Bush supporter she was and I could tell that she was not going to show me hers. She did end up making out with my boy Geoff which led to her saying this ”I want to fuck you so bad right now, but I can’t and I won’t.” Man was I glad I punted.
1. ”I read this disgusting web page the other day, Sorry I was drinking or something like that” – Ok, so this one has never happened to me before, but a guy can dream can’t he? Actually this would be a great situation. I would agree with her that the chauvinistic web page is written by a bunch of assholes who would probably never get laid blah blah and play that sympathy card into a hate fuck and make her feel really great about herself as old Laz gives her the high and hard.
So they you go. I am sure there are others, but I am a lazy drunk so F off.
This is Lazlo saying – I have this strange rash.