So the Cubs made their yearly West Cost swing last week, meaning my bank account and brain cell reserves are shot. Went to five games in seven days and decided to use what I have learned to help mankind. I can not comment on if I got removed from any stadium or stadium parking lots (court case pending) but here are a list of 10 things that will definitely get you kicked out of any ballpark worth its weight in peanut shells.
10. TAUNTING CHILDREN – Yeah, Yeah, they are cute and cuddly and shit, but if they are wearing the other colors I am on them like a gang banger at a swap meet. Nothing will alert the security to your drunken ass faster than making a few crumb crunchers bawl.
9. SEXUAL COMMENTS – It is one thing to cheer a team on, and it is another to tell the opposing players which position you had his mother in last night. One will show support to your team. They other will get you cut from the juice quicker then people hide there stash around Robert Downey Jr. For bonus points make your comment about homosexuality or bestiality.
8. PUBLIC URINATION – Whenever someone runs on to the field, how come they never take a leak? I mean with the long lines and all of the open green grass it would just seem logical that one time some drunk guy close to the action would hop the fence and start to relieve himself. The question then… would the cops let him finish or take him down?
SUBQUESTION – Would that be the mother of all times to get stage fright?

7. THEATENING HOAXES – Walk around with a water bottle full of strange colored liquid and ask an usher for a match and directions to the player entrance. Nuff Said
6. START A FIGHT – An oldie but a goodie. Toss a beer at a random stranger, kick a mom in the back of the head, say Nanny Nanny Poo Poo to anyone who looks at ya. This is the one area that we could take a lesson from our European hooligan brethren. They beat the living shit out of each other like it is the Source Awards. They take their shit serious over there and come prepared to get into a brawl. Soccer, the sport that sucks so bad, you’ll kick a skin head for entertainment.
5. BRING A HOOKER TO THE GAME – Nothing says “Sir, can you follow me” like fish nets and fuck me boots.
4. USE DRUGS – We they start passing sodas and hot dogs, ask for someone to hold your syringe as you reach for your wallet.
3. CHEER FOR THE LOSING TEAM – This actually almost happened to me. Snuck down to the front Row of the Cubs – Padres game with Lou on Saturday after they were up by forty or so runs. If there is one thing you do not want to see when your team is losing to my beloved Cubs is a drunk Lou and Laz. Because we had run out of horrible things to say about the Padres and their sisters and the game was so out of hand, we started Cheering for the Padres. Let me tell you, nothing will piss people off more then boozed out sarcasm, and we were laying it on think. It was like they came home and Laz was humping their pet cat while inviting OJ over for a Ginsu knife demo… AKA not good times. I can not recommend this enough.
2. START A FIGHT WITH A SENIOR CITIZEN – Another thing that actually happened. Grandpa must have been really pissed off that he spent 60 bucks and Lou and I snuck into the ballpark only to have our drunken asses singing Irish Shanties two rows in front of him. I calmly sat down behind him and asked if he would prefer to have me yelling behind him or sitting in front of him, where he can see me for the last several minutes of his lame ass life. He chooses option C which was to swat me with a program. I kicked his ass and stole his walker…BRING IT ON OLD MAN, LAZLO WILL GO THROUGH YOU LIKE GERITAL.
1. DRINK WITH RECKLESS ABANDON – This is always highly recommended by us when in public. It just makes life more interesting and people more interesting. Hell, it makes me strong and Lou good looking (did I just call Lou good looking?) [Ed. Note: Yes, you did.]
So there you go. Go out there and enjoy however much of the sporting experience you can handle before they toss your drunken ass out into the streets.
This is Lazlo saying……THREE STRIKES YOU’RE OUT