Hey all, spotdog here with this week’s PreView Reviews…
The Adventures of Shark Boy and Lava Girl in 3-D – Unless you’re one of those poor bastards who passed out in their own vomit and woke up with a bunch of ankle biters, then I see no reason to bother with this crap. Yeah, I know it’s Rodriguez and he’s supposed to be God or some shit, but remember, his 8 year old kid came up with the idea for the movie, and 8 year old kids don’t know shit. Most of them can’t even make a decent martini. And don’t get me started on their constant “but the whiskey burns my throat” whining. I say skip it and get drunk in the nearest alley.

5 Drinks in the Alley to Enjoy
High Tension – It’s hard for me to a do a regular PreView Review on this one because I saw it last year when it was in French and called Haute Tension. I guess, now they’ve dubbed it in English for all the illiterate fucks who can’t be bothered to read during a movie. So, at the very least you’ll be able to mock the screen when their mouths don’t move with the words. All I really remember about the movie is that it had some pretty decent killings and the sexy little French broad was easy on the eyes. I’m pretty sure there’s a dubbing joke in there about putting something English in her French mouth, but I’m too lazy to be clever.

4 Drinks to Enjoy
Mr. & Mrs. Smith – What do you get when you put the two best looking actors in the world in a movie together? Divorce. And poor Jennifer Aniston is left to the wayside to continue her inevitable slide into Sarah Jessica Parker Face Land™. We all know that Angelina is hotter than shit and under the right circumstances, I think even I would fuck Brad Pitt, but what kind of movie can Brandgelina™ give us? Who really gives two shits? Grab a date, get liquored up, and get some, God damn it!
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3 Drinks Before the Movie + 2 During + 4 Afterward Because You’ll Feel So Ugly = 9 Drinks to Enjoy
The Honeymooners – After last week’s Sisterhood 10 Drink rating, I’m cautious to throw it out there again so nonchalantly, but seriously, The Honeymooners? Cedric The (Non)Entertainer in another It’s just like ____________ except it’s “urban” movie? Please. And when the hell did “urban” become the P.C. word for black? What about all the black people that live in the country? I, for one, can’t wait for the white remake of Boyz N Tha Hood except Sub-urban. I need a drink.

10 Drinks to Enjoy