AIM IM with LAZLO: 9:52 AM
LOU: hey champ… how u doin today?
LAZLO: great how about you
LOU: contemplating quitting just so i can nap
LAZLO: nice
LOU: cleand up the yard
LAZLO: thanks
LOU: movd couch
LOU: again apparently
LAZLO: good work
LOU: paced for 20 minutes about how i could call in sick
LOU: threw up while brushing teeth
LOU: GTs
LOU: i wanna go home
LOU: my eyes are closed as i type this
LAZLO: nice
So, you wake up and Laz is asking for your keys to jump his car and he’s telling you to clean up the yard.. Hmm, the yard?.. You get up out of bed and find the couch is in the hallway.. Hmm, that’s strange. Let’s see.. I remember watching Wildboyz after we got home from the club and I kept hitting the 3 second back button on the Tivo because Pontius hit his head on a door and it was fucking hilarious. It’s at this point that things become a bit blurry. And by blurry, I mean non-existent. Shit, I could’ve fucked a camel in the kitchen as far as I’m concerned. Now, as I write this, I’m aware of the fact that I could ask Laz what went down, but it’s just more fun to deal with the futile attempt to remember the details on my own.
Archive for June 2005
My Kind Of Folks
Lazlo here… Ever hear of Belgium? … Me neither, but apparently these guys love their beer so much that politicians there would not meet with some Iranian counterparts because the Muslims asked that beer not be served. WHAT NO BEER? FUCK YOU, YA TERRORIST. I love how what offended them the most was the fact that they could not drink, not the fact that these alkie-haters would not shake the hand of the female head of senate. I think that all world negotiations should be handled with mass amounts of booze. Sure this may lead to a fight or two, but we’ll be too hung over the next day to get up and go to war.
This is Lazlo saying… ALL WE ARE SAYING, IS GIVE BEER A CHANCE.
Get Pissed And Then Piss: The Game
Humpday (heehee) is upon us again and you know what that means. Actually, I don’t know exactly what it means, but how about another drunken flash game to occupy you for the afternoon?
This one is actually a contest from some English drink called J2O, but since I live in America and am completely fucking ignorant of other cultures, I’ve never heard of it before. It looks like 7Up or some shit to me. Whatever. The game is all about getting drunk and pissing, two things I excel in. Enjoy.
-Cheers, Lou.
Click here for the game…
The Lazlo Ponders Life’s Most Important Questions Series Presents: The Times They Are A’Irish
I know it’s a little against the spirit of these things, but the last two weeks I have been reviewing my favorite bars instead of trying new places to get my shit right and liquored. But, to us drunks, our watering holes are like our teams; we are with them thick and thin. I would call my favorite bar a member of my family, but that would mean I wouldn’t call them back and hate their kids.
So, I find myself sitting in one of the better Gin Joints in LA, THE IRISH TIMES. This West LA suds guzzler is both neighborhood bar and hip yet not too trendy pad where you can belly up to the bar and pound Guinness after Guinness while bullshitting with the locals or jam out to some cover band that sounds like a less annoying version of The Cranberries. The food is, well, it’s Irish food. Irish food is the fat chick of the culinary world. They both get the job done but nobody, with the exception of Lou, is really happy with themselves when the deal is done.
Monday’s Hangover: Lou’s UrinalCam Experience
Morning, Kids (1:15pm)… Still getting used to the fact that it’s Monday already. Laz has been on walkabout up in wine country all weekend getting blitzed on Pinot and playing golf, and is on his way to Vegas as I write this, at work. Bastard. While going through my camera phone over the weekend and clearing out some old pics, I noticed an interesting trend. Apparently, I like to take drunken pictures of the bathrooms at bars. No idea why, but some interesting pictures, nonetheless. So with no further ado, I give you Lou’s UrinalCam 2005™.
Another place in LA with the Co-Ed bathrooms. On the outside of these doors, they display the “Señoritas” prominently on the top with the “y Señors” small at the bottom. The first time I went here, I kept walking past the doors getting more and more frustrated that I couldn’t find the damn Men’s room. I know, I’m a drunk idiot, but I’m just sayin’.
“I Did Not Have Vegetable Relations With That Legume”
Coincidence? I Think Not. I came across this at the grocery store last night. I guess even the paperback Clinton can’t resist getting a peas. And he likes ‘em just like I do…Very Young, Small and Early.
-Lou
Witches, Zombies, & Skeletons… Oh My
Hey all, spotdog here with this week’s PreView Reviews…
Bewitched – Okay. Let me try to get this straight. It’s a remake of a tv show, but the actual movie is about some assholes trying to remake the tv show. Deep. And let’s just say that if you didn’t feel bad for Nicole Kidman back after the divorce, now you have to. Xenu only knows what kind of hell (do those freaks believe in hell?) she had to deal with back before we all found out that ole Thomas Mapother IV (real name) was a raving brainwashed lunatic pedophile. I’m not one to judge, but really, brainwashed? Shit. I’ve gotten off topic again. I would love to be able to say that because Will Farrell is in this one that it will be tolerable, but I think it’s plainly obvious that this is going to make you wish also you had a broomstick, so you could jam it up your or your nearest neighbor’s ass.
8 Drinks to Enjoy
George Romero’s Land of the Dead – So, after 28 Days Later, Shaun of the Dead, and Million Dollar Baby, everyone’s jumping on the Zombie Bandwagon and trying to squeeze some coin out of this “dead” franchise. I’m not sure who this Romero dude is, but the real Zombie movies went out of style in the 70s and no one will ever be able to top the guy who made those originals. I can’t remember his name right now, but I can guarantee that if he were around today to see your crappy ass remake or whatever it is, he’d agree with me.
4 Drinks to Enjoy
Herbie: Fully Loaded – This should have been the review I’d been waiting my whole year to write, right? Well, it would have been at one point. But now both the reasons I used to be excited about are shriveled down and hanging off some bleached blond human hat rack. Sure, she’s still an 18 year old drunk, drug addled nymphomaniac, and yes, that’s usually what I look for in a girl, but there’s just something missing now. Now, she’s just become no better than most of the coked out gutter sluts I usually take home and that just isn’t right. So, what about Herbie? Did you really think I was going to waste this opportunity and write about Herbie? Please.
2 Lines, 1 Cigarette (picked up off ground), & 2 Virgin Bloody Mary’s (Hold the Virgin) To Enjoy
Yahoo! Headline Of The Day
Well, Marijuana’s Marijuana-like Chemicals Postpone Boredom, Work, Girlfriend’s Bitching, Bills, Responsibility, shit, I could go on and on… And let’s give it up for the brain, huh? Stepping up and getting us all high instead of all hurty. Yeah, brain!
Top Ten Things To Do If You Want To Get Fired
So, my job really sucks today and I would like to quit, but for some reason I think it would be more fun to make them fire me. And it is with this mindset that I bring you this week’s list…
10. COME TO WORK WITHOUT SHOWERING – Really want to piss of those fuckers that make your mind melt with their stupidity. Work up a stench so bad that no one will be able to get near you. For a little extra kick, toss some rotting fish guts down your pants. As Yoda would say ”Laid, you will not get… But severance package, have you will.”
9. START PREACHING SCIENTOLOGY – Alright I’ll admit it, this one made the list solely because I hate Tom Cruise. I have avoided talking about it so far because it seems like everyone is doing it and even though I am Irish, I do not like beating people that are down. He is a pig fucker, plain and simple. It is kind of just amazing that we all have not noticed until now. It really tells you the power of these fuck ball celebrity’s PR Flacks. Good ones have you seeming like the all American boy who everyone ones to fuck their apple pie-assed daughters. Bad ones (or sisters, instead of good ones) have people counting the days until your movie tanks and hoping he moves to Santa Barbara and some Scientology hating DA plants kiddy porn in his IMAC. If there is a non alien-god out there, I would like use this forum to ask him to PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE let us find Tom Cruise dead in some seedy motel with a male hooker and a mound of Coke that he PERSONALLY, PERSONALLY just got off of. All kidding aside, I will buy beers if anyone shoots the guy in the head with something non liquid.
Please Tilt Your Beer Bottle Up To Its Upright Position And Prepare For Yeah-Ha
Hey Kids, Lazlo here. Nothing warms the soul like the story of someone doing something really stupid while drunk. Hell, it’s the reason I get up in the morning. Philippe Patricio and a couple of Connecticut buddies, got wicked wasted and stole a 4 seat Cessna from the Danbury (Conn.) Airport for a little 3 hour stroll through the New England Skies. Good so see all of those folks up in the Northeast take their airport Security Seriously. Philly, this Bud’s for you.
This is Lazlo saying… You can’t stop the drunks. You can only hope to contain their flight paths.
