Where everybody knows your name.
Maybe.
Where you are always glad you came.
Sometimes, but not always.
But the spot that you choose to drink is second only to your choice of drug in the battle against sobriety. Natch, (for the one and only Lou), you want a place that has that right blend of what the French call “Fuck the Americans.” Man do those Froggy bastards have a way with words. My Mom once told me that life is about the journey not the destination. My Dad once told me to “SHUT THE FUCK UP AND DRINK YOUR BEER.” Although my parents have been miserable for years with each other I feel that between these two pearls must be the secret to a happy life.
I, Lazlo, have dedicated my life to the Journey of Drinking. And because location is an important part of said Journey, I will be hitting up wet holes (some people prefer watering holes, I prefer wet) in my area (and yours if you are lucky) and judging them like the little Catholic School girls they are for the benefit of mankind and the detriment to the evil brain cells.

So the spot. Well on most nights I drink alone with the lights off at the Crack House, but seeing as I was a good boy/employee last year, I have a gift certificate for a Swanky Beverly Hill eatery / 70 year old B-celeb hang out, Trader Vic’s, that is burning a hole in my pocket. I decided to treat Lou to some good eats and check out a new place to drink.
FIRST IMPRESSION: Uh, wow there are a lot of Jr. Agents hanging out in the pretty small bar area. Not sure I would feel comfortable hanging out here on a daily basis. I drink too much to be hanging around these assholes.
Give it a 6 because I am feeling giving…..and sober.
SPECIALITIES: Trader Vic’s is supposed to be like a South East Asian watering hole, which is ironic because I think I just saw Charlie Okuma from the Three Stooges complete with the buck teeth and coke bottle glasses serve me a drink, Ah Sank You. The Drink Menu here as about 4 pages long (LAZLO LIKIE) and serves up every kind of mix of rum and fruit you can imagine (insert Bacardi and Ricky Martin Joke here).
Give it an 8.
DRINKS – Wow, where to start. I drank things called Gun Club Punch, Trader Vic’s Sling, Doctor Funk of Tahiti, Tiki Puka Puka, while Lou had such delights as Raffles Bar Gin Sling, Mai Tai, Suffering Bastard, Mohito. They all had couple of things in common. Booze and sweet fruity taste. Now I don’t want to downer here, but Lazlo likes his drinks like his women, bitter and divorced. It was fun for a while and then I realized I was going through a lot and not getting drunk or laid (sorry Lou).

Give it a 6.
GRUB – Well, it is a restaurant and I did have a gift cert. so let’s just say that this is probably the best food of any place I will be drinking in the near future. Me – steak, Lou – fish. Actually that sums us it up pretty good.
Give it an 8.
OVERALL – You ever hear the phrase “It’s got a beat, but you can’t fuck a 12 year old Polynesian prostitute to it?” My sensei used to say that a lot and never have a found it so true. All the fruity drinks in the world can not make up for the fact that this is just not a comfortable place to drink in. Sure it has all of the equipment but it lacks in what Lazlo likes most, Heart. Without the heart pumping blood to our crusted up liver where would we be? Dead or worse yet, sober. And that my friend is no way to go through life.
Give it a 5 for effort.
So until next time this is Lazlo saying
What the fuck are you looking at?