Hey, all you American Pigs. This is your old buddy spotdog reporting live from Cannes. Mischa & I wish you were here. I’m not quite sure if all these people here are speaking French or if they’re just drunk. I know I’m drunk, so I’ll quickly dispense with the snark for the week. Here’s your review…
Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith – The 600 Billion Dollar Man returns this time to give the fans what he should have given them six years ago when he first realized he’d run out of new material and had to mine his past successes for some more cash. ILM doesn’t run on dilithium crystals, now does it? (Yes, I know that was a Star Trek reference).
So after the virtually pointless Episodes Eye and Double Eye, he brings us to the end of the beginning, which is actually the middle of the Star Wars saga. So, does he do it right this time? Of course not. The Head Ewok will still have us sitting through endless scenes of shitty dialogue, crappy CG environments, and Hayden Christensen before finally putting a fork in this puppy. That is, until he goes back in 2 years and completely changes everything for the re-release. There’s really only one way to summarize my feelings on this film and that’s by channeling the spirit of the Great Robert Evans.
Will I buy a ticket? You know it. Will the movie blow? Of course it will. Will I see it again, anyways? You bet your sweet ass.
6 Drinks to Enjoy
Archive for May 2005
Cannes You Dig It? (Alt: The Wrath of Cannes) Depends On Your Pronunciation
Drunk Walking – Bushy Jr. Style
Some of you that have been around the site may remember the original Drunk Walking link. This is basically the same thing except it’s with everybody’s favorite recovering alcoholic, The President.
This one’s a little harder because the screen is smaller, but I did manage to squeek out 56 meters.
Click here for the link…
Quick Shots: Coors, Chicks, & Kudzo?
– Fireworks, Lucy Lui, Hentai, & now a plant that gets you drunk quicker. I Heart Asians.
- The King of Beers proclaims “Thou shalt not consume any other beer before me.”
- Sure the booze may hit women’s brains faster, but what is it going to take to get me in their pants faster? Seriously. What, like 2 more shots? Cause I am NOT working out!
- What is it about drinking and pissing outside? What about one of those prison bathrooms we’re always hearing about? You know the one’s with the nice welcoming committees.. Oh, maybe pissing outside was the way to go after all.
Monday’s Hangover: Chappelle’s Not Crazy, Bitch!
TIME Magazine gets to the bottom of Dave Chappelle’s sudden South African hiatus… Some guy took one for the team by going to jail after throwing a beer at Jason “It’s Not A Tumor” Giambi… The Supreme Court steps in as Lazlo can now get blitzed on wine from 49 more states… My muse, Paris Hilton, goes on a 9 hour booze binge in Cannes.
Favorite Quote: “Look! I’ve got vodka and tequila all over my dress and my skin!”
(Click on the image for a better look at Ms. Hilton’s new Carl’s Jr. ad)
Friday The 13th – Bad Movies Rising
Seriously, can we just get to next week so I can start hating on Star Wars, already? This crap isn’t even fun to mock, so I’m just going to review them with the same half-assed intensity that the filmmakers put into them. Enjoy.
Kicking & Screaming – You’ll be kicking and screaming with laughter!*
7 Drinks to Enjoy
Mindhunters – How do you review an obviously ridiculous movie that was made over 2 years ago starring burnouts like Christian Slater and LL Cool J that is already available on DVD in pretty much every country except for the U.S.?**
9 Drinks to Enjoy
Unleashed – You see, Jet Li is a dog, and they take his leash off. No, seriously, that’s the plot. I’m not sure if there’s anything more I can say. Wait, yes there is.. Shoot me.
8 Drinks to Enjoy
Monster-In-Law – Jennifer Lopez AND Jane Fonda? How can I put this delicately? How about, oh, I don’t know.. Fuck No.
3 Drinks, 2 Roofies, & 1 Vicodin To Enjoy
*I wrote this stupid thing a few days ago, and on the way to work this morning, I heard this actual quote on a radio ad for this movie. Guess I’m not so stupid now, am I? Oh, wait, I still am.
**You understood that was rhetorical, right?***
***That one too.
Self-Serving Defamer Link & Lohan’s Ribs
In my little Lindsay Lohan/Crackhouse Rant last week, I mentioned at the end that I had had a Richard Grieco sighting at a Starbucks up in The Valley. Well, today, the fine folks over at Defamer have included it in this week’s Privacy Watch.
And while I’m on that whole thing, I would like to say that now my new place is looking better and better everyday, while Miss Lohan is looking more and more like a crackhead.
Ain’t it funny how life has a way of just balancing things out?
SorryIGotDrunk Buyer’s Guide Vol. 1
As drunk as we’ve been lately, Laz & I have been doing pretty good at posting something almost every day now, and all day today, everytime I see that it’s apparently still Tuesday in SorryDrunkLand, I get a little pissed at my laziness.
So, in the spirit of virtually useless posts, I give you a couple alcohol-related gadgets I’ve come across at Gizmodo over the past couple of weeks.
The first is the Bottle Opener Sandals I spoke of in my very First Drunk Story way back in March. (Remember how much simpler life was back then? Sigh). You can find them over at Reef. Just in time for Summer. They’re called “The Fanning”. I can only assume they’re named after Dakota, being the raging alcoholic beach-goer she is.
Secondly, is one of the coolest little doodads I’ve yearned for in some time. It’s the Ring Thing Bottle Opener. This is the greatest thing to come along for my middle finger since The Shocker.
I guess this post wasn’t completely useless.. These are some good Tools Of The Trade.. Lou
I Think I’m In Love
Avril Lavigne: Hot, Drunk, & Underage. What more could a man ask for? I always knew there was something I liked about that little Canadian bombshell, and it wasn’t her songwriting ability.
I snagged these 2 photos over at All Things Christie. (She’s also got a great link to a nice little drunk video of Avril’s here.
One of my other favorite pics of Avril after the jump…
This Morning In Booze
While I wait for Tuesday’s hangover to subside, I give you the following bits of Booze News.
Apparently in Scotland, women going 2 days without a drink is enough of a concern that making a confusing t-shirt is necessary… Whiskey not only fights boredom, but also cancer, Dave Grohl’s throat infections, and kidney disease is no match for a couple beers. Yay, booze!
My favorite quote, “It’s easier than taking vitamins,” said Chris Hardy, 25, who relaxes with a few drinks after his shift…” You’re right, Chris. Drinking IS easier. Fucking vitamins.
Wait! Don’t Delete Your Dealer’s Number Just Yet
In a coup for all habitually heavy drug users, (cough, cough), Ozzy Osbourne announced this weekend that he has been diagnosed with Parkinson’s Disease, and that it wasn’t the years of drug and alcohol “abuse” that caused his current shaky condition. Still awaiting word on why his kids are so fat and stupid, though. Probably drugs.
In a related story, Michael J. Fox quietly wishes he had also his spent his youth snorting enough cocaine to support small Columbian economies and not just dealing with Mallory and Doc Brown’s hijinks.
