Hey, all you American Pigs. This is your old buddy spotdog reporting live from Cannes. Mischa & I wish you were here. I’m not quite sure if all these people here are speaking French or if they’re just drunk. I know I’m drunk, so I’ll quickly dispense with the snark for the week. Here’s your review…
Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith – The 600 Billion Dollar Man returns this time to give the fans what he should have given them six years ago when he first realized he’d run out of new material and had to mine his past successes for some more cash. ILM doesn’t run on dilithium crystals, now does it? (Yes, I know that was a Star Trek reference).
So after the virtually pointless Episodes Eye and Double Eye, he brings us to the end of the beginning, which is actually the middle of the Star Wars saga. So, does he do it right this time? Of course not. The Head Ewok will still have us sitting through endless scenes of shitty dialogue, crappy CG environments, and Hayden Christensen before finally putting a fork in this puppy. That is, until he goes back in 2 years and completely changes everything for the re-release. There’s really only one way to summarize my feelings on this film and that’s by channeling the spirit of the Great Robert Evans.
Will I buy a ticket? You know it. Will the movie blow? Of course it will. Will I see it again, anyways? You bet your sweet ass.

6 Drinks to Enjoy