Archive for May, 2005
The Lazlo Ponders Life’s Most Important Questions Series Presents: Drinking With The Duke
May 31st
Saturday, May 28, 2005 4:06 PM
Airports suck. Hangovers suck. Together, lethal.
The only thing that can improve either of these things is booze. I find myself today at the Orange Bar And Grill at the John Wayne Intl airport. The Duke is somewhat of a hero of mine. Not because of his movies or such, but because he was a man. The kinda man who wasn’t afraid to wave a gun around or threaten an actor who was dating his daughter because he was “A Commie.” He is the kinda guy I try to be when I am sloshed. The difference is I come of like an asshole when the duke comes off like an icon. Something about boots and filling and me not.
Tuesday’s Hangover: Oliver Stoned?
May 31st
I realize in internets time, this story is about as old as Bob Barker’s herpes, but what can I say, it’s been a long drunken weekend and the DirecTV guy f’d up our DSL at the Crack House, so everything had to wait until I got to work today.
What a weekend for drunks, huh? Friday, Oliver Stone got nabbed for drunk driving and he was holding, no less. Was it crack? Mushrooms? Cialis? The world may never know, but I’m sure we’ll get a scathing film about the injustice of the drug laws and the corruption of the police system or some paranoid coke-head shit.
More later… still fighting through a nasty stadium beer and Dodger Dog induced hangover and I suppose I should “work” or something… Later, Lou
True Romance Indeed
May 31st
Lazlo here, busy weekend all around, (more on that coming up), but I saw this and just could not resist. Actor/Heartthrob/Jack Nicholson impersonator was arrested for a drunken grope early this morning. I now realize that my own brush in with the po po over the holiday weekend will now be totally overshadowed in the news media. Thank God, and Christian.
This is Laz saying if you can’t beat em, fuck em.
Warning: OC Rant Ahead
May 26th
So, I was too lazy to write another damn story about SkeleLohan this week, and yes, I saw the Paris nipple slip too, but I just wanted to come home and chill tonight, content on not giving a shit about anything internets related.
But tonight, spotdog and I watched the OC, knowing it was a rerun, but not knowing that they were going to replay what is possibly one of the best episodes of any show of my young life. Yes, now our TVgasm roots are showing through.
Sandler vs. Stiller vs. Sith – No Matter Who Wins, We Lose
May 26th
Hey all, spotdog here. First off, I would like to welcome all the TVgasm peeps who have stumbled onto our little site over the past couple days. Hopefully some of you will stick around, and now that the TV season has taken a break, (until Big Brother that is, right B-Side?), feel free to send in anything you think would be of interest to us here.
Well, now that we’ve finally got that Sith off our backs, I guess we can finally get on with the good movies, right? Let’s see…
The Longest Yard – Adam Sandler plays the Burt Reynolds role in this remake. I just hope he makes a career of it. I can’t wait for his take on Deliverance. Just think of the possibilities. Nelly could redo Dueling Banjos with Bo Bice. Angelina Jolie’s dad could work again. And instead of the audience bending over and taking it, well, you know where I’m going with this.
Besides, everyone knows who the real stars of this film are…
5 Drinks to Enjoy
Madagascar – Chris Rock is in this one too, except instead of playing a wise-cracking, street-wise stripe-wearing criminal behind bars in prison, he plays a wise-cracking street-wise zebra behind bars in a zoo. Get it? He’s black AND white. I just blew my mind. Oh, and David Schwimmer’s in it, so, well, there’s that.
7 Drinks to Enjoy
Probably The Best Thing I’ve Ever Seen
May 25th
So, let’s just say that hypothetically, I’m just some loser burnout hanging out in Hollywood bitching to my friends about my Babymama, when out of nowhere comes Britney Spears who wants to take me away with her to share her “chaotic” life and then, hypothetically, I implant my seed in her as well, and even though I tell her I don’t think it’s a good idea because I’m a loser with God knows how many little bastards running around the greater Los Angeles area, we go and get married anyway and I just sit around the house all day, not bathing or shaving or bothering to change my clothes, spending her money all day as she gets fatter and her infamous boobs get bigger and bigger, leading up to the birth of our child. Wouldn’t you think that hypothetically, while she tries to maintain the figure she’s known for that’s quickly fading into the past, that I MIGHT get out of the golf cart and walk with her for a minute. Wouldn’t you think? You know, hypothetically.
(P.S. KFed is still my idol. May I someday make something of myself as well.. Lou)
Lazlo’s Top Ten Reasons That Summer Kicks Ass
May 25th
Because of that damn hot Carl’s Jr. ad, I have found myself humming I LOVE PARIS IN THE SUMMER all of the freaking time the last couple of days. I also found myself in the midst of some self-love, but who hasn’t. But today after I pulled my pants up and cleaned myself off, I found myself thinking about summer. The weather outside has been hotter then the dream I had one time where I was doing Jessica Alba from behind when her head fell off and she turned into, uh huh yeah you probably do not want to hear where it went from there. So in honor of the solstice, I give you
THE TOP TEN REASONS SUMMER KICKS ASS
But because this is SorryIGotDrunk.com, what I am really bringing you is…
THE TOP TEN REASONS DRINKING IN THE SUMMER KICKS ASS
Sublime Memories
May 25th
Sorry to take a quick break from our attempts at comedy… I’m not real big on eulogies and not one to usually remember the day that people died, so I’m not really surprised that I failed to realize that on today, May 25, back in 1996, Bradley James Nowell, front man to the band Sublime, was found by his dog, Lou, dead of a heroin overdose in his San Francisco hotel room.
I’m sure this would’ve continued to miss my radar except for the fact that on the way home from work, KROQ was playing back to back Sublime songs and reading from a book about Bradley. And actually, I’m caught a bit off guard and I don’t have much anything to say except that Sublime’s music has been a large part of my life since first hearing it back in high school, wondering if I’d ever make it out there to California, and I know it always will be. I can’t tell you how long “40 oz. To Freedom” and “Sublime” were the only cds in my car.
Well, that’s it. Just listening to that music as I drove home to my house in L.A. and hearing of him made me feel like I should write something. Rest Easy Bradley.. Lou.
And now back to the funny… Hopefully.
Laz & Lou At Trader Vic’s: A Short Photo Essay – As Told By Tiki Salt & Pepper Shakers
May 25th
This is when we arrived. That’s Laz on the left, obviously drunk with the garnish on his head.
The Lazlo Ponders Life’s Most Important Questions Series Presents: Where Should I Get Drunk? Part One
May 25th
Where everybody knows your name.
Maybe.
Where you are always glad you came.
Sometimes, but not always.
But the spot that you choose to drink is second only to your choice of drug in the battle against sobriety. Natch, (for the one and only Lou), you want a place that has that right blend of what the French call “Fuck the Americans.” Man do those Froggy bastards have a way with words. My Mom once told me that life is about the journey not the destination. My Dad once told me to “SHUT THE FUCK UP AND DRINK YOUR BEER.” Although my parents have been miserable for years with each other I feel that between these two pearls must be the secret to a happy life.
I, Lazlo, have dedicated my life to the Journey of Drinking. And because location is an important part of said Journey, I will be hitting up wet holes (some people prefer watering holes, I prefer wet) in my area (and yours if you are lucky) and judging them like the little Catholic School girls they are for the benefit of mankind and the detriment to the evil brain cells.