Drafts On Draft Day AKA Lazlo Tries To Kill A Keg While Watching The NFL Draft

Hey, all you Sorry Drunks out there. Lazlo, barely here.
I guess the first question is why. The NFL draft takes place every Spring about 3 months after football season stopped giving me reasons to drink at 9AM every weekend (who says people in LA are flaky). The draft is perfect for us sports fans who like to talk bullshit because it is all speculative, and we all know how well speculation and drunks go together. So I will honor the Football Gods and Booze Gods – I will try and kill a pony keg of beer (5gallons) while watching the first 4 rounds of the draft. What can I say? I love DRAFTS (get it) of all kinds.
The 3 Rules are simple:
1. We must watch the entire Draft.
2. We must finish all the beer.
3. I must not call my ex girlfriend and ask her to get back together.

Prep time. GMs and Heads of Personnel from around the league spend years preparing their draft day selections. Now Lazlo is not really known for his prep work but not unlike trying to nail a hot chick with low self esteem, in this case, massive preparations have to be made.
The beer needs to be decided on, (this also works for the girl with low self esteem). Can’t be too heavy or dark, (this is an all day affair that starts at 9AM). So I decide on a beer will remain nameless (starts with a B and sounds like Budweiser). You also need to know where to watch and who to watch with. Now this one is key. Don’t watch with a chick or with someone who lives with a chick. For that matter, don’t watch with anyone who has a girlfriend (not a problem for me), it will inevitably ruin your day at some point. You need to be free from distraction with plenty of room for drunken bullshit. For me the choice was easy. My boy and C-Lo and I have been looking forward to a day of drinking our asses off and talking bullshit about sports. I grab the keg and C-Lo gets all of the food and we are off at 8:45AM.
1. 49ers are on the clock
Pre pick thoughts:
Has any team been more fucked either way? They are like a bunch of guys at a wedding garter toss, praying that someone else is stupid enough to take the poison. They have to go Smith or Rodgers for a QB. They just showed the commercial for the new Madden game I think I need To change my shorts. Clean up Isle Me.
ALEX SMITH Utah QB. Nothing says sports like a white guy from Utah. His 8 wives just went nuts. I think he waxes his eyebrows. He is being Interviewed by Suzy Kolber who looks she is wearing a Lime green sweater from the Michael Irving collection. He heard Green Room Interviewer and went for it. They just interviewed Alex’s agent, who looks like someone from an SNL skit making fun of an agent. It is good to note here that he is also the agent of last years first pick Eli “Don’t call me …” Manning Congrats Niners good luck on the next 10 years of rebuilding.
CONSUMPTION TALLY: 3 beers and 1 Cig. We are off and running.
2. DOLPHINS are on the clock
Pre pick thoughts:
Rickey Williams and weed. THESE ARE A FEW OF MY FAVORITE THINGS. I love this mentality….Pot head on the field BAD. Drunk beating his wife on the field FINE. While we are on the subject of weed, doesn’t Chris Berman kind of look like Chief wiggums younger hipper stoner brother. I should really do some reseach on this. If my beer tastes better when Chris Berman is talking does that make me gay. 49ers just said they are not trading Alex Smith. I may be buzzed but the GM just sounded a lot like Bill Clinton telling us he never poked Monica Lewinski (I realize my language is getting worse but hey, it is 10AM and I am pouring my 5th beer).
Ronnie Brown AUBURN RB – Great pick. Guy runs like Priest Holmes and like him he still looks like he has a ton of gas in the tank. How many times do you think this guy gets drug tested in the first week as replacement Ricky? I think he just had to pee in his cup on the way to the podium. By the way, these guys could really learn something from the NBA guys about Draft Suit Etiquette. Deon Sanders and his crew should be brought out to make fun each guy who did not go to Marc Jacobs to get Blinged out for the day. Tony Seguisa can substitute for the white guys. Kind of like a football’s version of Queer Eye…uh I mean if I would have ever seen that show.
CONSUMPTION TALLY: 3 beers no cigs
3. BROWNS are on the clock
Pre pick thoughts: Poor Cleveland just has never figured out this whole draft thingy. Camera just showed Browns fan in NY. Nice thing about the draft is like MLK, it gives people hope. The hope of a better tomorrow. The hope of future playoffs. The hope that your team will not go 4 and 11 next year. A guy from my high school plays for Cleveland so I hope for the best, but no matter how close they get, they’re like a Ben Affleck movie, great idea on paper but the end result is Gigli.
Braylon Edwards MICH WR – ouch this just reeks of a bad pick. My team (DA bears) took a Michigan receiver really high about 3 years ago and it did not work. He is cocky and he is headed to Cleveland. Meltdown potential off the charts. They just showed several members of the NE PATS being interviewed on what looks like the set of THE VIEW. I need to start drinking more or less, I can’t tell.
CONSUMPTION TALLY: 2 beers and I am too Nervous to smoke cause…..
4. BEARS are on the clock
Pre pick thoughts: BEAR DOWN CHICAGO BEARS LET EVERY PLAY LEAD THE WAY TO VICTORY! I wore my number 54 (The last really good pick by this team) Jersey today to bring a little luck for my boys. I think this pick comes down to either Williams out of USC or Benson out of Texas. Since my boy C Lo is from Texas we are going for Benson. He has all of the makings of a 1,400 yard back who is not going to be a pain in the ass. He will score touchdowns and help win games without bitching about his number of carries and how many of his boys get to be in the Mountain Dew commercial. I have to pee so bad my elbow hurts.
Cedric Benson UT RB – MVP MVP MVP MVP (I told you it was all about hope……ok that is a lie. The booze is kicking in). This is a great pick. We will win at least 5 more games next year with a workhorse like this. THE MAN CUT HIS DREADS FOR THIS. Wait, are those tears. Oh shit, I am not sure how I feel about this, the City of Broad Shoulders does not like whiners. Please let these not be whiner’s tears. OK, he is just caught up in the process of being poked and prodded in his skivvies for the past 2 months while being asked about smoking a joint that one time. Love the fact that he feels like he has something to prove. Love the fact that C-Lo and I just did a our first of many fist taps. Love the fact that I can finally pee and smoke. Let the good times roll.
CONSUMPTION TALLY: 2 beers and 1 victory chugged cup of hope.
5. BUCCANEERS are on the clock
Pre pick thoughts: BEAR DOWN…uh sorry I have a one track mind right now. My boy C-Lo points out that Aaron Rodgers, the consensuses 1st pick a couple of weeks ago, is still on the clock and most of teams coming up don’t want him or have other needs.
Carnell Williams AUBURN RB – Smooth pick (and ride) who will fit with Chuckie well. He just told Susie that teammate Ronnie Brown being picked before him means that he “May have won the War, But he has not won the Battle.” OK, I am now officially drunk and I even knew that did not make sense.
CONSUMPTION TALLY: 1 beer and 1 well deserved smoke.
6. TITANS are on the clock
Pre pick thoughts: So many needs, so little of my brain cells still working.
Adam “Yeah” Jones S WVU – Ok, this has to be my favorite moment of the Draft. I am pretty sure ESPN replaced my regular scheduled Draft Pick with Little John. Jones looks like he is in a club with a pimp cup and a kid. WORDS CAN NOT DESCRIBE….THEY SHOULD HAVE SENT A POET. I was born in the great state of West Virginia, and I have never felt more proud of that act. Oh, and the cream on the crispy is his nickname – PAC MAN…..no comment no comment.
CONSUMPTION TALLY: 1 beer and blunt and a YEAH
7. VIKINGS are on the clock
Pre pick thoughts: Still reeling from an appearance by the KING OF CRUNK. Speaking of Crunk, when did all of the coors adds become hip hop videos? Did I miss the memo when the Aw shucks little beer from the mountains became the plasma screen H2 soundtrack of beers. Oh yeah football. Only thing that pops up is the replacement of randy moss. They better (and are lucky he is still on the board) pick Mike Williams. Love everything about that guy and….
Troy Williamson WR South Carolina – No disrespect Mister Williamson but I Know Mr. Williams and you are no Mr. Williams. OK you could say that hopps and lager are now in complete control.
CONSUMPTION TALLY: 2 beers and 1 smoke and one game of mental PAC MAN
8. Cardinals are on the clock
Pre pick thoughts: Aaron Rodgers is still sitting in the green room (although he is keeping his composure way more then I am) Denny Green is a great coach who is going to need a QB to replace Warner by week 4 and if he passes on Rodgers he is going to fall fast.
Antrel Rolle CB Miami – Rolle Out. I just said out loud five times before C-Lo yelled from the bathroom for me to “SHUT THE FROG UP”. Aaron Rodgers is starting to look like my date on Prom night – SCARED. My mind is drifting cause C-Lo is busting out the grill and I am losing my grip on sobriety. To Quote my idol, Page 2’s Bill Simmons, “Aaron Rodgers” is making the Payton Manning face. It is thinly veiled wince that he does when he just tosses his 3 INT to the pats every time they play.
CONSUMPTION TALLY: 1 beer and 1 mental molestation of the girl from the last Coors light commercial
9. Redskins are on the clock
Pre pick thoughts: Oh shit, C-lo cooked a fat burger up. uh what. (that is a direct quote from my notes). I hope the Redskins trade their pick for Lawrence Taylor who they will promptly sign to a big money contract. Actually the best pick for them is Carlos Rogers. He will give them a shut down defense that can win them a division.
Carlos Rogers CB AUBURN – My first real solid “Call” of the draft. Redskins WILL have the best D in the NFC next year. You heard it here first. Trust me. I am dependable.
10. Lions are on the clock
Pre pick thoughts: Got to be defense, or a John Wayne. (Drunken historical fact…John Wayne was actually drafted by some dumbass GM who thought that this Hollywood tough guy would make a good tight end). Really if it is not defense I will sleep with the fat girl in my office.
Mike Williams USC WR – Oh shit, I have to fuck the fat girl from work. Good thing there is a keg in the bathroom. Seriously, (and with my mind set it should be pronounce SHERUOUSKQY), what the fuck are they doing? I just said 3 picks ago that Williams is great but the Lions have picked a WR in the top 10 the last 3 years. It is like when your buddy who has been divorced 2 times in the last 3 years tells you he is going to get married again. DUDE chill out. You are not the Marrying type. And who is for that matter? (ut oh the booze has now reached the x chromosome in Lazlo) shit cock fuck. C-Lo just caught me yawning in the middle of a rant.
CONSUMPTION TALLY: 2 beers a smoke and 1 call to the fat girl from work
11. Cowboys are on the clock
Pre pick thoughts: DRUG DEALER. I am not sure if that thought is a result of the cowboys picking, or the fact that I am need help. If they take a big fat D lineman who will probably get busted for drugs I do not have to call the fat girl from work.
Demarcus Ware DE Troy – This is a tough call cause he is not fat or slow but he will definitely have a drug bust so I am torn as to whether or not to fuck the fat girl from work (these are things you think about when the cowboys are drafting).
CONSUMPTION TALLY: 1 beer 1 smoke – another call to the fat girl from work
12. Chargers are on the clock
Pre pick thoughts: Aaron Rodgers is going to kill himself on live TV. He better get a big gun to get through all of that product. Oh Yeah Chargers. Fuck them (Christ we are almost half way through this keg) all I know is….
I just passed out mid-thought and have woken up in the 2nd round when someone (who was not in the room at my last thought says Bears pick Blah Blah receiver Blah Blah Oklahoma. I believe my response is something in the realm of “FUCK THE SOONERS AND LOU” before I pass out again only to wake towards the end of the first day with an empty keg in the bathtub.
Like George Bush on an aircraft carrier this Mission is Accomplished.